Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Cliff Bastow]

All so true Gary.

[Peter Miller]

Some once said that Common Sense was the rarest thing in the world.

[cymaz]

Cheap balloons........can be a real let down

[Steve Colman]

Common sense obituary. An alarming resume of modern society.

Edited By Steve Colman on 06/09/2020 06:23:58

[Peter Miller]

Or, to use one of my favourite expressions:

If they had any more brains they would be half wits.

Or

One track minds and no engine on the track

Or

One track minds and they live on the wrong side of the tracks

[cymaz]

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?

———|—————-

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[Daithi O Buitigh]

[David Holland 2]

Man jumps out from the crowd, pointing a gun at Trump. Secret Service man shouts "Mickey Mouse". Colleague asks "why on Earth did you shout Mickey Mouse?" First man says "I got confused, meant to shout Donald duck".

Sorry.

[Peter Miller]

[cymaz]

As we Silver Foxes know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I calledGeorgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgieclicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgiegrinned .'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

[cymaz]

Bought a chameleon.....can’t find it anywhere.

Bought a Christmas Tree. The seller said,”Are you going to put it up yourself?” I replied, “ No, I was thinking of the lounge”

[Robin Colbourne]

Have you ever had the feeling that your boss set you up to fail?

Edited By Robin Colbourne on 13/10/2020 21:19:44

[Gary Manuel]

Hi Everyone.

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter and yacht for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 31st) morning from Humberside and will fly to Bridlington where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast and then flying back to Humberside in time for dinner.

If interested please pm me..

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

[Colin Carpenter]

😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

[cymaz]

FOR SALE

Solo hang glider, used once. If interested please phone after 2pm as going to a funeral in the morning.

Edited By cymaz on 15/10/2020 22:38:26

[Peter Miller]

A Chinese man went to see a Chinese stamp collector.

He said " Oh Sir! You are the greatest stamp collector ever! You have the finest, most complete collection of stamps in the world! You are the envy of every other stamp collector everywhere.!!!

And the stamp collector looked at the man and said,

"Philately will get you no where"

[Eric Robson]

An Eskimo feeling the cold bought a paraffin heater heater for his kayak, hitting some rough water the heater overturned and burnt the kayak out. Morel, You can't have your Kayak and heat it.

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by Robin Colbourne on 13/10/2020 21:17:42:

Have you ever had the feeling that your boss set you up to fail?

Edited By Robin Colbourne on 13/10/2020 21:19:44

Pandamonium!

[John Bisset]

That Panda video is super. I wonder if it was deliberately set up for fun; that zookeeper obviously knows and likes those pandas. A very happy bit of playing going on!

[Daithi O Buitigh]

I phoned an engineering friend of mine the other day and asked him what he was doing.

"I'm working on aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel in a constrained environment."

I was impressed until I found out that he was washing the dishes under the watchful eye of SWMBO

[cymaz]

[ken anderson.]

my marra has just got a job as a" vision technician"...……………… or to you and I a window cleaner.

ken anderson...ne...1..clear view dept.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Workshop tools:

PILLAR DRILL : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SHIFTING SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

 

Edited By Daithi O Buitigh on 20/10/2020 10:32:47

[cymaz]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Lol.