Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[ken anderson.]

really cold this morning in ne...1.land,dogs frozen to lamposts etc..

 

ken anderon....ne..1..weather dept.

[cymaz]

[cymaz]

 

[Gary Manuel]

 

 

 

 

[ken anderson.]

[ken anderson.]

[cymaz]

My mate Ted is at it again...

 

These are genuine answers (from 16 year old’s).......and just remember they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U........(DUH!!!!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight(brilliant)

 

 

[cymaz]

[Zflyer]

Cooking omelettes isnt all its cracked up to be..

 

Taxi !

[cymaz]

I opened my front door.......and suddenly wondered “ oh, what have I let myself in for!”

[cymaz]

I saw this fella in the street, he was only wearing one woolly mitten. I said to him, “ you’ve only got one glove on”.

He replied, “ I watched the weather forecast on tv this morning. The man said that we might have a cold day.....but on the other hand we might not”.

Edited February 21, 2021 by cymaz

[Zflyer]

All the tools in the workshop would regularly go out for a drink on completion of a job. But never invited the anvil co he always got hammered...

 

 

 The Taxi hasnt arrived

[KiwiKid]

[KiwiKid]

On 04/02/2021 at 23:31, Daithi O Buitigh said:

/sites/3/images/member_albums/32322/888392.jpg

 

I don't think worked out well!

 

 

Edited February 22, 2021 by KiwiKid

[Zflyer]

I'd though about joining the Navy    but it was only fleeting.

 

Taxi driver threw me out !

[Steve Colman]

[cymaz]

 

I don’t think I got the job at Microsoft, they’ve not replied to my Morse Code message

[Eric Robson]

I won't be on the forum for a while, I ate a daffodil bulb I thought it was an onion. I have to go into hospital, the doctor said I will come out in the spring.

[Gary Manuel]

Edited February 27, 2021 by Gary Manuel

[ken anderson.]

two years ago i went to the doctors...he said "your going deaf"..............i haven't heard from him since....

 

ken anderson...ne..1...happy sunday dept.

[ken anderson.]

what do you call a woman who burn's all her bills? .......... Bernadette.

 

ken anderson...ne..1...recycled jokes dept.

[cymaz]

Just for the lad in NE1

 

 

[Gary Manuel]

Another duck walks into a bar...

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens every day for the next two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the heck would they want with a plasterer??

[Simon Feather]

Where does the grass grow in Yorkshire? 

 

 

 

 

... In t'urf

[Gary Manuel]