Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Mark Agate]

A friend told me he wanted to start making scale models.
I said "be realistic..."

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

1 hour ago, Don Fry said:

JD8, Chris, don’t need size. I’ve got a VW Touran. I get a wide berth when I dominate the road, as the instructors used to shout.

Never repair a dent. Don’t wash it for a decade. Concentrates minds. 

I recall driving my very well used 1955 Land Rover through Central London in the early 80s.  It was like the parting of the waves with taxi drivers and shiny cars seemingly repelled magnetically from the multi-coloured/natural aluminium mud splattered, tree branch scratched apparition, complete with heavy tow rope adorned front bumper.

[cymaz]

1 hour ago, Martin Harris - Moderator said:

I recall driving my very well used 1955 Land Rover through Central London in the early 80s.  It was like the parting of the waves with taxi drivers and shiny cars seemingly repelled magnetically from the multi-coloured/natural aluminium mud splattered, tree branch scratched apparition, complete with heavy tow rope adorned front bumper.

 

Try a game of chicken in a narrow country lane with holidaymakers in their shiny 4x4......oh, the look of terror from behind the wheel when they suddenly realise a “ quaint Cornish stone hedge” isn’t very forgiving as they’re still 2’ out from it!

Edited April 17, 2021 by cymaz

[Gary Manuel]

Jesus looked across the table and asked "So, where have you been the last few months"?

 

God replied "I've been all round Yorkshire".

 

Jesus was shocked. "There's been a pandemic for a year and you've been in Yorkshire! What were you doing there"?

 

God smiled and quietly replied "Working from home lad, working from home".

 

[Don Fry]

I, being an effete southerner, Midlands, can never get a handle on this Northern thing. I start to understand.

[kevin b]

Nice one Gary

 

????

[john davidson 1]

Quasimido walked into the kitchen to find Esmerelda heating up a wok on the stove "Oh good , stirfry for dinner?"

 

"No just getting ready to iron the hump in one of your shirts!"

[J D 8 - Moderator]

  Some fifteen years ago singer song writer the late  Gene Pitney died suddenly while touring here in Wales.

  Because he was also an expert sound engineer the family requested a special coffin in the shape of an old stage microphone be made to transport him home.  On the request the local coffin maker said it would take him a week to make the coffin from oak, but only twenty four hours from balsa

[john davidson 1]

Two men sitting in the pub, one says " See these two over there ,that will be us in ten years time"    

 

"Wait a minute "  says the other " That's a mirror!"

[cymaz]

A piece of string walks int a pub. “Pint please Landlord! “. The string sips his pint quietly.

5 Mins later a second length of string comes in. He shouts, “ Pint please Landlord! “. The second piece of string drinks quietly.

 

After some time, a third piece of string wanders in, looking a little disheveled.

The landlord looks up and says, “I suppose you want a pint.”

 

The third length of string replied, “ Er, no, I’m afraid not”

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Knot funny.

[cymaz]

[alan p]

2 hours ago, cymaz said:

Impressed you found a modern mars bar big enough to stand a glass of water on?

[Steve Colman]

it's probably a very small glass.

[kevin b]

They don't make them like they used to.

 

 

[Eamonn Fahey]

I had my first Covid 19 vaccine today here in Ireland. ? A friend sent me this:-

[john davidson 1]

When Quasimodo died the priest had no-one to ring the bells so he put an ad in the local paper. Next day a guy turned up  replying to the ad but he had no arms.

The priest said " you wont be able"" 

" i'll show you give me a trial"

So they went up the belfry and the man with no arms ran about headbutting the bells, making such a good job that a small crowd gathered down below to listen. But after a few minutes he gave a weird cry, ran to the parapet and jumped over.

  The priest ran down to see what could be done but the crowd had gathered round the lifeless body saying "Who  is this "

 

  "Don't know his name "the priest said "but his face rings a bell ! "

 

Next day another guy turned up saying he was the dead mans brother and wanted to ring the bells in his memory. So they went up into the belfry and the brother rang the bells, normally this time ,and again so good that people stopped to listen. However after e few minutes he gave  a strange cry, and jumped over the parapet wall.

 

"Oh no not again" the priest ran down to see if there was any hope  but again people were peering at the crumpled body saying "Who is he"

 

"i don't know his name " the priest said " but he's a dead ringer for his brother!

 

[cymaz]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,

went to the local church for confession.

 

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have

no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with special favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

 

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one

more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[john davidson 1]

   An old sailor hobbles into the tavern , a wooden leg, a hook on an arm and a patch on one eye. Orders a beer then a patron says " How did you lose your leg"  

  " Aargh twas the pirates , now me wears the peg aargh" 

 

" So how did you end up with  a hook?".

 

"Aargh got me into a fight with a shipmate , got me 'and cut off by a sword, now me wears the 'ook aargh".

 

"And how did you lose an eye?"

 

"Twas in a storm off Tortuga, looked up at the rigging  and a seagull pooped in me eye aargh"

 

"So that put your eye out?"

 

"No twas the first day me 'ad the 'ook , aargh"

 

"

[cymaz]

[cymaz]

[Ace]

 

 

 

 

[Gary Manuel]

I've just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

[cymaz]

A thief broke into my flat last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

 

 

« A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

 

« It’s weird being the same age as old people.

 

 

« I’m at a place in my life where essential shopping is starting to count as going out.

 

 

« It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

********

 

The local bar owner was so sure that his bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would win the money.

 

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, football & hockey players, but nobody could do it.

 

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000.00 and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

 

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for The Inland Revenue."

[Peter Miller]

A sergeant on our squadron in Cornwall lived next door to a garage. Sometimes the owner would call him out at night to help with a recovery.

 

One night he was called out.  It seems that this gentleman had been driving home in his Jaguar and he took a hump back bridge at speed. The  car with its front wheels turned.

 

When the police arrived they found the driver sitting in the road saying "Where ish my sho and sho car?!!"

 

It was a further 100 yards down the road!!!