A great story

[winchweight]

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's......... 

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. 

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. 

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because 
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward 
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with 
Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete 
so I was going to try it again. 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly 
a guy who was behind her. 

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, 
it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b***s and a car hit me. 

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack  - he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. 


<blockquote>

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??  

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Like it ......what do you think of this one ...........

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

[Tim Mackey]

Love em !

[winchweight]

 A humour in the face of strong winds!

[Alan B]

 Hope this pastes in

These are extracts from letters that have been sent to Housing Associations throughout the UK

1.     I Want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back-fired and burnt my knob

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his angle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My Lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink that is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is Pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

9. Can you tell me went the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother …….50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I’m an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 5am hi cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp; we have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single women living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the rights tool to finished the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBc2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. And he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I can’t take it anymore. 

24. That is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

[winchweight]

Brilliant! Who says the education system is failing?

[Tim Mackey]

Superb....

[Dave M]

Shaun, made me laugh out loud, nice one

[Owen Hailey]

Hi all

this is my kind of hummer.