Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[001]

An old man was on his death bed, he wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's £30,000 cash to be held by each of you, I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die, so I can take my money with me."

 

At the funeral each man put an envelope in the coffin.

 

Riding away in the limousine, the priest suddenly burst into tears and confessed. "I only put £20,000 into the envelope because I needed £10,000 for a new Baptistry"

 

"Well, since we are confiding in each other", said the doctor," I only put £10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost £20,000."

 

The lawyer was aghast,. "I'm ashamed of both of you" he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin it held my personal cheque for the full £30,000!"

 

[Mowerman]

I was in a pub in Newquay Wales a few years back when the landlord fell into the cellar just like that video.

It was terrible! They shut the bar at 9-30.

[ken anderson.]

man walk's into a bar with a set of jump leads......the barman say's "i hope you're not going to start something" ....

 

ken anderson ne....1.

[Vic. P.]

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a man and his dog, after a few minutes the dog turns to the man and says Hi there matey, can i buy you a drink and have a chat, i have lots of great stories to tell you,.......such as the time i spent travelling with a team of Huskies to the north pole and back in temperatures below minus 50 celcius,..........or my time in the Hilamayas when i carried all the gear for a ten man team for their assault on the summit of Everest, now that was a real struggle i can tell you!,.......or perhaps you'd like to hear of my heroic action during the Gulf war when i single pawedly rescued a squad of soldiers from certain death by pulling them to safety with these very teeth, (points to teeth) after they were ambushed by insurgents"?

"Wow", the man says to the dog, "you can talk"!! .........Wow the man syas to the owner of the dog, "your dog can talk"!!!

"Yep" he says, "d'you wanna buy him"?

"What"? says the man "how could you bear to part with such an obviously intelligent dog which can ACTUALY talk"?

"Easy" says the man "he's always lying"!!

Edited By Vic. P. on 18/02/2011 15:34:04

Edited By David Ashby - RCME Administrator on 18/02/2011 15:43:09

[001]

Well, the postmans been and gone. The invitation has not arrived.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Er, bit to subtle for me that one Richard. Invitation?

 

BEB

[001]

Fom the Palace, perhaps those responsible mislaid my address.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

LOL - I've got mine but I'm not going - I'm flying that day.

 

BEB

[001]

Oh! I was misinformed, apparently the invitations are all delivered personally by courier in a Rolls Royce. So I'm staying in this afternoon.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

 

BEB

[001]

Well, i've cleared that one up.

I have just had a phone call from a very nice lady, I didn't catch her name, but she was very polite and asked me to stand up.

There were definitely the sound of some dogs barking in the background and jewellery clinking.

 

Apparently there were 10 'Wild Card' pews available, 5 for worthy commoners, 5 for random Aristocrats but I was deemed too Aristocratic for the common seats and too common for the Aristocrats places. So I am not going after all.

(I have definitely heard that voice before, but cannot place it!)

So, there you are, but probably just as well because I am Stoatally allergic to Ermine.

 

And smoked salmon.

[ken anderson.]

we wont be attending...i dare not leave the 'hill top posse' GHQ......who will feed enrico...and i have the lad's comming around to clear the moat ready for the new season.....influx of tourist type's etc......

 

 

 

sir k anderson esq.....HTP castle ne...1.

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[ken anderson.]

i'm not sure but i think my wife is having an affair........we moved from nottingham to newcastle.....but we still have the same window cleaner! ....

 

ken anderson ne.....1.

[001]

And Milkman?

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[ken anderson.]

i was stopped by the police yesterday...i opened the car window and was handed some paper and a pencil by the officer......when i asked what it was for ---he replied "he wanted me to help him trace someone" ..

 

 

beat that---ken anderson ne...1.(home of a good joke/or two) ..

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Sparks]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

[Spice Cat]

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

 

The best I could do.

[001]

I have a friend who has two lambs in her large garden, I said "Do they have names?"

 

Yes she said, "Freezer 1 and Freezer 2!"

[buster prop]

There was once a Russian Hokey-Cokey dancer called Yepucha Leflegin. And.. What's the difference between prince Charles, a gorilla and a bald man? One is the heir apparent, one is a hairy parent and the other has no apparent hair. (sounds better after a couple of pints). What's the difference between a cross eyed marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and shoots but can't hit and the other....

[ken anderson.]

Posted by Sparks on 31/03/2011 18:04:03:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

...well done sparks.....

ken anderson ne..1.

[Phil Brooks]

I'm told this happened in Dublin recently, BUT it isn't an Irish joke, honest, a tram and a bus could collide anywhere there are trams and buses:-

 

 

However, just have a look at the side of the bus involved..................................

 

[Phil Brooks]