Who says ground crew are humourless

[Tim Mackey]

These were sent to me recently by a member of our car club, he is a senior avionics engineer and assures me these are the real thing.

Made me laugh anyway

                                                Quantas Airlines.

After every flight, all Quantas pilots must complete a form, known as a “Gripe Sheet”.

This is designed to tell mechanics about any problems found with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document the repairs on the form and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before the next flight of the aircraft. Never let it be said that ground-crew lack a sense of humour - here are some actual maintenance complaints reported by Quantas’ pilots ( marked with “P” ) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers ( marked “S” )

Incidentally, Quantas is the only major airline that has never ever had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S:  Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit secondary dash area.

S: Something tightened in cockpit secondary dash area.

P: Dead bugs on windshield

S: Live bugs are on back order.

P: Auto pilot in attitude hold mode produces 200ft per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right hand main landing gear

S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud

S: DME volume set to a more believable level

P: Friction locks causing throttle levers to stick

S: That’s what friction locks are for

P: IFF inoperative in OFF Mode

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield

S: Suspect your right

P: Number 3 engine missing

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums

S: Target radar reprogrammed with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit

S: Cat installed

And finally……

P: Noise from under dash - sounds like a midget pounding something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[simon barr]

Very good, Timbo. Even made the wife laugh! More please.

[the unmagnificent man]

Hi Timbo, Its true, as an aircraft fitter these "gripe sheets" (they have different names) are filled in by the pilots and are eventually passed down to the bottom level I.E. aircraft fitters.

The example you received, although true was more likely to have been a forces "gripe sheet" the reason being that all passenger aircraft documents are official and kept on file. The FIA and CAA wouldnt be best pleased with anyone having a sense of humour.

They are funny though and I had to laugh myself when I first got that mail.

[David Ashby - Moderator]

[Tim Mackey]

Good morning Mr A....up with the lark I see

[Kevin Davies 2]

used to be a motor fitter rep came in with funny noise sounds like a piece of wire wrapped aroun prop. shaft.answer on job sheet. removed funny piece of wire around prop shaft. staightened it out

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Les Littleton]

First class , this is what makes the world go around ,keep it coming.

[Tony Patman]

Doh, Timbo, this one's been doing the rounds for years.  It's still funny, though.

[ERIC CLAPHAM]

  Some of these do make me chuckle. Whist serving at Kinloss during the mid sixties on MOTU one of the snags put in the F700 from the trainee radar position during daylight ops. was " Unserviceable darkness" The write-off was "Unserviceable darkness removed and serviceable darkness fittted." I had nothing to do with it- honest ! Hope that raises another giggle. Eric.C.

[Phil Claridge]

customers complaint the cars making a funny noise  mechanics reply  the giggling pin has fallen out of the laugh shaft  customer, how much is that gonna cost me now?

[Gavin D]

Here's one from a driver in the day's I worked on locos as a fitter for B.R[ as it was]. Despite the efforts of the fitters this loco still works