Aviation Funnies

[Chris C]

class

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Advice given to RAF pilots during World War II; When a crash seems inevitable try to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

 Flying the aeroplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

 Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in the flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

 Mankind has a perfect record in aviation: we never left one up there

 When one engine fails on a twin engine aeroplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

 Advice from the U.S. Airforce Manual; It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over an area you have just bombed.

 Never fly in the same cockpit as someone braver than you.

 If something hasnt broken on your helicopter, its about to do so.

 You know when your landing gear is up when it takes a lot more power to taxi.

 As the test pilot climbed out of the wreckage of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in a crash landing, the crash truck driver arrived and,

seeing the blooded pilot asked What happened? The pilot replied: I dont know, I just got here myself!

 The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: Why is it doing that?

Where are we? and

Oh sh.!

 A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

 What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up,.the pilot dies.

 Without ammunition the RAF would be just another expensive flying club.

 The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire!

 Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

 If youre faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

 And finally: The Piper Cub is the safest aircraft in the World: it can just barely kill you.

 

 

[ken anderson.]

last time out on a flight to malta the captain of the aircraft was walking around outside the aircraft muttering away in maltese.i asked one of the cabin crew what he was going on about he replied.........."if god had meant us to fly he would have given us all wing's"...........................

 

          ken anderson.............'s....

[Ian Holme]

I flew with Easyjet for this years summer hols in Menorca.

 

Mid-flight the rather charming stewardess announced to the passengers;

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, this evening we have a very special guest on board, at 97 yrs of age he his is making his very first flight on a plane.

 

 

So, please put your hands together for....

 

 

 

 

The Captain!"

 

 

Certainly lightened the mood somewhat.

 

[Rob]

 

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

[001]

In the days before hijacks a pilot walked into the cabin of an airliner with two lengths of string connected to something in the cockpit.

 

 In the front row of seats he found a little old lady. He said "I'm just going to the back for a nap, if the plane goes to the left please pull the right string gently and if it goes right pull the left one."

[Colin Bernard]

I remember a story passed to me at university by a friend in the university air squadron.

Apparently once students had a few hours under their belt a particular instructor on Chipmunks would have a joke at the student's expense by giving the usual 'You have control' and then emphasising the fact by unscrewing the control column and waving it in front of the student.

He was cured of this by one student who had smuggled a spare control column on board.

When the instructor did his usual column waving 'You have control', the student happily waved his own column back at him and replied 'Sorry sir, I thought you had control!'

Whether this is true or not I don't know - but it conjures up a great picture of the instructor trying to screw the column back in !!

[TonyS]

A few years ago I had to make a regular flight each week from Birmingham to Edinburgh for work.

On day after a particularly late touch down and some VERY hard braking the pilot announced "If anyone has lost any small objects of personal belongings they'll be right here up front"...

[Klippy]

Many years ago while trying to get my Commercial (I never did get it) I did hauling for some Skydivers. First flight I tried to check the numbers, the Instructor (jump master) says 'don't look round, we're good to go. Used the whole strip, crawled over the fence, then had to find a thermal to gain hight! Finally get to altitude, run in and start dumping the stick, one of the jumpers freezes while standing on the wheel (brakes are on) Instructor says to me, when I wave my hand, release the brakes. Instructor gives 'thumbs up' to jumber, jumper gives 'thumbs up' back, Instructor waves his hand, good bye! The Instructor was the last to go, reaches across, switches off! Takes keys, and jumps! I never went back, I seem to recall they had persistent problems with cracked cylinder heads on that Lycoming!

[Barry W]

This is dedicated to all those who have flown on Ryanair.

 

 

Very sorry Barry - yes it was funny, but I'm afraid it drives a "horse and cart" through the Language Rules on the forum - see here! I had no choice, it had to go!

 

BEB

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 08/04/2011 11:30:26

[Geoff Smith 1]

Posted by Tim Mackey - Administrator on 31/03/2008 13:39:00:

Hiya Tim. I'm plowing through this thread, very enjoyable as well. I don't know whether it's worth while mentioning but the ads are covering a good proportion of the text. Cheers mate.

 

Geoff

[Barry W]

Hi Beb no problem mate I did at the time think it may be a little over the edge.

Perhaps you can email the link on to Timbo as the Welshies like a bit of a sing song!

 

[Mowerman]

Thank goodness I saw it in time.

SWMBO and myself both thought it was a side splitter.

May be some people are over sensitive.

Could the tech guys arrange for some things to be hidden untill the watershed ?

Edited By Mowerman on 08/04/2011 19:25:03

[Major]

Hi all. Do You know any of above?

Here is the old one

 

Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

 

And spotted today...

 

Tower:: BA 758 - We Have VIRGIN 348 on departure with very tight slot. Will you be so kind, to give them way to runway 29?
BA 758: Anything for a virgin, especially with tight slot...

 

Come on, share what You know!

 

Edited By David Ashby - RCME on 03/08/2012 06:15:10

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Just popped this onto an existing thread.

[bouncebounce crunch]

January 27, 1952 a USAF Convair B-36 landed at Boscombe Down.

Pilot to tower- "Gee your runway is rough!"

Tower- "You are not on the runway sir! you are in the field across the road."

taken from aeroplane monthly 1994.

[Concorde Speedbird]

'Are our Jet engines too noisy? Don't worry, we'll turn them off.'

'Some airlines fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We get as close as possible for the best view.'

'The kids will love our inflatable slides.'

All found on the Internet, I'm not that funny.

CS

[ERIC CLAPHAM]

During a stint at RAF North Front (Gib.) in the mid -sixties I worked on Station Flight . A Canberra flew in from Germany on one of the many " navigational exercises " we handled . As we were putting the aircraft to bed red fluid was found to be dripping on the ground at the rear of the aircraft . Closer inspection revealed a substantial stream of this liquid which seemed to originate from the forward fuselage . First thought was a leak from the rudder brake pedal cylinders and that it was OM15 -red hydraulic fluid-but after smell test it was suspected in actual fact to be red wine ! This was borne out by the discovery of an empty demi - john lying on its side in the bomb - aimers position with the cork popped !!

[Jim Newberry - Nuviation Ltd.]

Overheard on the radio at a little airfield:

"G-TD finals to land, runway 27"

"G-PA finals to land, runway 27"

ATC: "I can only see one aeroplane on finals for 27 - one of you is on finals at the wrong airfield"

After a long pause....

ATC: "OK, who is in the blue aeroplane....?"

[Roger 2]

I was on a joint RAF/USAF base in the early 70's. I was the lowest of the low, a signal processing tech.

We were setting up a simulated target for the station radar to follow.

I helped set up the equipment and the trailing antenna and was told I would accompany the Yank pilot and run the electronics.......ok no problems!

We lost the antenna over the sea heading towards Norway.... fine again no problems!

The next words were not fine "hey Rog you ever done aerobatics ???"

"OH NO!!!!!!!"

I wasn't sick, my legs didn't work too well and I did suggest if he did that again I would geld him.

Roger

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 07/11/2012 16:22:02

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

Unavoidable Chuck !!

**LINK**

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

 

Edited By Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 10/10/2014 09:19:01

Edited By Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 10/10/2014 09:26:58

[Peter Christy]

Attending the Military Air Pageant at Old Warden a few years ago, the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight was coming towards the end of its display. Next on the agenda was a USAF F-16, which we could see beetling along the horizon. One of the photographers at the front had an air-band radio, and this is the exchange I overheard.....

ATC: "USAF F-16, the BBMF is just concluding its display, so you can start lining up for yours."

F-16: "Er, I can't see the airfield!"

ATC: "Well, we can see you! Turn right now - yes, that's it, keep turning - straighten up - NOW! We are right in front of you!"

F-16: "Oh, yeah! I can see you now!"

So much for state of the art navigation systems......

And an old family friend - a former airline pilot - related to me the following tale (probably apocryphal!):

Back in the early 60s, a Pan-Am Boeing 707 had just taken off from Heathrow, leaving clouds of smoke in its wake. A much smaller British airliner was waiting to take-off, and was given permission to enter the runway. The captain responded "I'd rather wait a few moments to let the smoke clear." At which point an American accented voice came over the airwaves: "Never mind, sonny. When you grow up, you can smoke too!"

--

Pete

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Two, possibly apocryphal, stories about exchanges between ATC & airliners to amuse you….

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground : (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt tbefore?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

[Peter Christy]

Back in the late 60's / early 70's, the Exeter RC club used to fly at Thorn's Cross, a private airstrip near the top of Telegraph Hill. It was not unusual for full-size aircraft to drop in, and knowing that model flying took place, they would circuit the field, then vanish for 10 mins or so whilst we got all the models down, and then return and land.

On this particular day, a Percival Gull (or one of its variants) flew in. This was a low-wing monoplane from the 1930s, featuring a heavily spatted, fixed undercarriage.

Thorn's Cross was on the side of a hill, and there being negligible wind, the pilot elected to land uphill. He taxied up to the top, where a Rolls-Royce appeared to whisk away the pilot (a late middle-aged gent) and his passenger (a stunning young blonde - obviously his daughter!).

A couple of hours later, pilot and passenger returned in the same Rolls-Royce and proceeded to embark.

Did I mention it was winter?

The aircraft had sunk up to its spats in mud, and after several unsuccessful attempts to power out of it, the engine shut down, and the pilot waved us over to come to his assistance.

After much tugging and shoving, the aircraft was finally released from its muddy grip. Now the land owner used to keep horses on the airfield as well, and as the hill was somewhat convex, the end of the runway couldn't be seen from the top. The pilot elected to take-off the wet grass downhill, so I, being the youngest back then, was dispatched down the hill to check the runway was clear of stray animals. By the time I was half-way back up, I was knackered, so I waved "all clear" to the party at the top, and retired a safe distance to the side of the runway to get my breath back.

The aircraft started its take-off run, and it soon became clear that it was struggling to gain speed. As it passed me, it didn't exactly rise off the ground - more the ground was falling away faster than the aircraft. As it flashed by I could see the pilot staring fixedly ahead, his eyes boggling as he could see his fate - in the shape of a Devon hedge with a granite wall in the middle of it - looming up to meet him. The young blonde in the back had her face firmly planted in a book she was reading, as was completely oblivious to her possible impending doom!

Somehow the pilot managed to drag it over the hedge, and the aircraft continued to follow the contour of the hill down in to the valley below. Eventually it built up enough speed to level off, and by this time, I had been joined by the rest of the gang, running down the hill, sure that a rescue party would be needed!

I pointed out the 'plane to them in the valley below, finally starting to gain height, but it must have been five minutes at least before we were looking UP at it!!!

To my dying day, I will remember that image of the dolly-bird blonde in the back reading her novel!

Ignorance truly is bliss!!!!

--

Pete