Aviation Funnies

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Reader David Cooper has sent in some aviation funnies and although I though I'd heard most of the one-liners by now, those he sent in (below) were new to me, and very good too!

I've started a thread so use the link below to add your own or any others you've heard in your travels........

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach-3' - Paul F Crickmore, test pilot.

'The only time you've too much fuel is when you're on fire'.

'If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter, and therefore unsafe'.

'Never trade luck for skill'.

'The three most famous last words in aviation are, "What does this do? Why is it doing that? Where are we?"'.

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two of these three are always necessary to complete a safe flight'.

'If something isn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to'.

And finally, attributed to Ray Crandell, a Lockheed test pilot, after he had climbed out of the wreck of an experimantal he had been flying and was asked by the rescue crew 'What happened?' - 'I don't know, I just got here myself'.

[Phil Claridge]

Its your model, you crash it

wide runway? yes but very short

Crunch? oh well more room in the boot!

[Chris Dickens]

Helicopters don't fly - they just beat the aiir into subission

Glider pilots keep it up with just a whiff of hot air!

True stories (really) 

Instructor to Pupil - ' right aileron, a bit more right, MORE  RIGHT, NO THE OTHER RIGHT!'

This from a modellerwith 20 years experience of flying fast aerobatic models who had just built his first vintage model 'My model was too high so I gave it full down and full power to loose height quickly, Why did the wings fold?'

And then there was the modeller with 40+ years of experience who crashed a newcommers trainer on it's first takeoff,  picked it up, checked it over, tried again, really broke it this time, all because the ailerons were reversed! (not funny really although everbody else laughed, the guy was dangerous, I was only flying as a guest but I never went back there)

[winchweight]

The chinook doesn't fly, it's just so ugly the earth repels it!

The Shacklton - 60,000 rivet flying loosely in formation

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Instructor to pupil........

"think of the stick as the 'houses' lever - pull it back and the houses get smaller, push it forward and they get bigger!" 

[Alan B]

Glider Pilots do it quietly!

The only things that should fall out the sky are " Para's and Bird droppings"

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 09/07/2013 23:52:51

[Kevin Davies 2]

parachutist jumps from plane drops like a stone pulling and tugging at chute without success sees man coming up shouts do you know anything about parachutes man coming up shouts do you know anythng about gas cooookers.

[winchweight]

Only two things fly at night - bats and tw*ts

[001]

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot
start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.

Winston Churchill was allegedly in the co-pilots seat of a transport aircraft during WW2, he took control and after a few minutes the plane was climbing and slowing down too much. After the pilot recovered the situation Winston said. 'A case of stalling between two fools'

[Mark Lubbock]

David, you forgot the end to the 'houses lever' thread.

It reads-keep pulling it back & they get bigger again!!!

[FlyinBrian]

The damage was limited to the whole airframe

[001]

Employees at the Boeing factory decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the
local River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard
helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated
when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing

[Alan B]

Back in the 70's - Russian owners of a small fishing boat made a Insurance claim that they had been sunk out at sea by a flying Cow!  Nobody would believe them including the rescue services who thought they must have been drinking and must have scuttled the boat themselves.

Months later it transpired after investigation - the fishermen were telling the truth. Apparently a Russian cargo plane was transporting a cow which during the flight broke loose and went besserk - kicking and butting the internals of the aircraft. Fearing for their own safety and being pretty pi***d off with the animal they lowered the back ramp and pushed it out over the sea!

The Insurance company paid out!

[Bob Howard]

Couple of yarns about the English Electric/BAC Lightning

When they first entered squadron service, there were no Lightning 2 seat trainers - it was going to be a case of "pre-flight briefing, get suited up, go fly".

The squadron leader was the first to try out the new machine. He approached the potent beast with trepidation, watched by his anxious colleagues. After all ground checks etc. the engine was started, the aircraft rolled off the tarmal to the runway and took off in a deafening roar. A few minutes later, the aircraft landed, and the squadron leader exited the cockpit and made his way to the hanger.

 "Well" asked his second in command "what was it like" 

"No problems - it was a pussycat. I was with it all the way - until I let the brakes off!

A lightnig developed a minor fault during a training mission, and carried out a precautionary landing at a nearby commercial airport. Rather than transport the aircraft to base, and engineering team was dispatched to repair the fault in on site.

 Later that day, the aircraft was declared fit for flight, and prepared to leave. When the pilot requested permission to take-off, a snooty air traffic controller reminded him the "there are noise abatement procedures in force at this airport. Please be aware that you must not the perimeter at less than 1,500 feet.

"Tricky" replied the pilot "but I'll do my best."

The Lighting accelerated down the runway on full reheat, the wheels cleared the deck and retracted and halfway down the runway the pilot rotated to a vertical climb.

As he levelled out, he radioed back to the ATC "just made it - you did say 15,000 feet didn'tyou?"

[DCW]

If you think that you are good with radio control..... Prove it !

Buy a helicopter ............................. 

[001]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist. Scientists at NASA havedeveloped a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.

British engineersheard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the
US scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "
Thaw the chicken."

[David Ashby - Moderator]

That reminds me Richard - I've read that there's no such thing as rocket science - rocketry is a branch of engineering!

[001]

I think that they were talking about the green leaf that goes into the salad that goes with the cold chicken !

[Iain Johnston]

It is better to break ground and head into wind, than to break wind and head into the ground!

 Advice given to trainee pilots during WWII,    

"If a prang seems enevitable, try to hit the softest, cheapest object in the vacinity as slowly and gently as possible"

A british airline pilot who had just landed at Dusseldorf, pulled off the runway and paused to check which taxiway to take to the terminal. An impatient ATC came over the radio and asked "Have you not been to Dusseldorf before". The quickwitted pilot replied "Yes, in 1944, but it was dark and I didn't Land."

[spanner]

Repeated many times in my career:- Pilot (usually a youngfirst officer)  Eng, when i push this button (lever/knob) the warning light comes on???

reply-Dont push it then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[John Bunting]

Australian bush pilot to nervous passengers, flying in an elderly aircraft in moderate turbulence: "Dangerous? Nah, be OK as long as the termites are all holdin' hands".

[Phils]

Modellin Tip - Never wear open sandels when you are using and exacto knife!

AND

Never hold the cap of a super glue bottle between your lips for convenience when your hands are full.

No, I have never done either of these . . . . . But I know a man who has!

Phils.

[Tim Mackey]

                                                "Who says groundcrew are humourless!"

I did post this somewhere else a while back, before we had a dedicated "funnies" section...so in case you missed it then, here is the link now

groundcrew

[Terence Lynock]

 Pilot - 'How long have you been employing an all-American ground staff here?'

Rep - 'we always employ American  ground staff here in Alabama!'

Pilot turns to 1st officer - 'would you mind asking the navigator where he did his training? it appears he has his Birmingham's mixed up'.

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]