Aviation Funnies

[fly-navy]

Do you want a real funny?When I have a message from the forum moderator it begins:-

"Hello Sailor"!!!! make opf that what you will.

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Hilarious

[Eric Smyth]

 why does the Navy seem to have all the fun eh? Sailor?????

[fly-navy]

Eric I think most of us (RN) looked at life as the glass was always half full.

[Dave Spratt]

On learning to slope soar under my fathers tuition (1 Tx passed between us) I had gained sufficient confidence to try a little aerobatics on my rudder elevator, foam veneer wing, balsa box craft..Instructions came loud and clear “make sure you have sufficient height over the face of the slope, nose into wind, apply a little down elevator when you have sufficient speed pull up on the elevator and level out flight when you’re about half way through the loop". All elements of the instruction were clearly followed, until about ¼ of the way through the upward pull from the base of the loop when the wing tips decided to clap hands, there was no point in handing the Tx back to dad, as I watched the graceful decent of balsa and foam bits fall to the base of the slope. I turned to dad, my trainer, and asked "what should I do now?" his reply. "He's the car keys, take the Tx back to the car, go in the boot and bring back the large black bin liner", good scout was my dad always prepared. It would appear that from my earlier slightly heavier landings I had created a stress fracture in the veneer and under the excessive wing load they had collapsed.

 A good bit of wood glue and epoxy fibre glass cloth and covering material and she was flying again, so many lessons learnt.

Further states of misfortune for both of us has been met with the cry "get the bin liner".

[Terence Lynock]

U.S Air Force Major on seeing a M-D Phantom for the first time was to ask 'are you sure you landed it the right way up?'.............

                     regards,          Terry

[Dave Towell]

An EXPERT is a has been and a drip under pressure!!

[cyprus steve]

If you haven't crashed you aren't trying hard enough.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Not strictly an aviation funny but it makes me smile so I thought I'd share it........

I've just had a technical presentation from work about how the EU is trying to curb the use of harmful chemicals/heavy metals in manufactured products. A lot of what we make ends up in the military arena & particularly on weapons & ordinance (air & sea launched missiles such as ASRAAM & Stormshadow etc) The EU are pushing hard to make our products more "environmentally friendly" by eliminating some key chemicals that give our products their high performance

So rest assured.......when that 2000lb bomb lands on its target,  no environmentally harmful chemicals will have been used in its contruction......apart from the warhead obviously!!!!!!

[Tim Mackey]

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Or cause lasting damage to the environment..........if you discount the odd crater!!!

Its good to know our rulers are concerned about these things innit!!!!

[Robert Leach]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers :

      Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!'

Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.'

TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'

Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

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This is my personal favourite.........

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

[Robert Leach]

                  **********************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground : (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt t before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

[Tim Mackey]

[Peter Christy]

An RAF chum of mine tells a tale of flying near Yemen - formerly Aden - after the British had pulled out, and the Russians had moved in!

A Russian transport was departing, and, aware that an RAF plane was in the area, called out:

"Ah, English! You used to control Aden!"

"Er, yes?" replied the RAF pilot.

"And now we have it!", continued the Russian.

"Er, yes?" responded the RAF again.

"And now we would very much like you to HAVE IT BACK!", concluded the Russian! 

--

Pete

[Peter Miller]

Having done a tour in Aden...I like that one.

[Terence Lynock]

Blond gets on a 747 and sits down in Business class, stewardess looks at her ticket and says' sorry miss but you are economy class please move to the back' the blond says 'I am famous, beautiful and i am going to Hollywood'.

So the stewardess goes to the first officer and explains and he comes down and asks her to move to economy class and gets the 'I am famous,beautiful and I am going to Hollywood' routine so the first officer goes to the captain.

The captain comes down and whispers something in the blonds ear, she gets up and flounces off to economy class without a word, the first officer asks the captain what he said to the blond to get her to move so easily.

The captain just says 'oh, i just told her the front half is going to Chicago and the back half is going to Hollywood'..............

                            regards,            Terry

[Bev Lawton]

One of the best Air Traffic - Aeroplane exchanges I have heard of was :

Heathrow Control to Pan Am Heavy 326 - "Pan Am Heavy 326 please hold, we have a Virgin with a tight slot behind you" 

[Bev Lawton]

Another funny (and very true) story regarding the build-up to The Falklands War.

Basically we were very short of transport aircraft and the VC10's were at that time only passenger/cargo planes. The RAF "borrowed" the entire NATO war stock AIM 9L Sidewinder missles from Germany before asking the Yanks and transported them to the UK for forward supply to Ascension Island.

Because we were so short of transport aircraft and qualified aircrew to transport munitions ordinary RAF Trolley-Dollys were used on a flight moving 50 AIM 9L's to Ascension on a VC10.

Just seconds after take-off said Trolley-Dolly arrived in the Flight Deck with 50 Red "Remove Before Flight" arming Flags with the comment "Phfeww, just made it, I manged to get them all out just before we took off"!!

The request to land immeadiately back at RAF Lyneham was met with a Foxtrot Oscar reply and directions to Ascension!

True! - I swear. 

[Tim Mackey]

Very good

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Was that you then Bev ?

[Lee Burke]

This is not new so maybe you've all heard this one - not a joke but real ATC at JFK having a REALLY bad day.  ATC

If you download the airport diagram its fun trying to figure what's happening.  Just like the controller

I can't get the link to work but the url to the diagram is : http://www.naco.faa.gov/d-tpp/0804/00610AD.PDF

[David Ashby - Moderator]

OMG - it's a wonder they ever manage to find their way about!

[Tim Mackey]

Love it

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]