Aviation Funnies

[Terence Lynock]

'Triplex' make winscreens and other specialist glass panels and made windows for the 747, when they applied for the contract the American company asked how they were tested for bird strikes and 'Triplex' said ' we go down the supermarket and buy a load of chickens which we load into a special air cannon and fire them at the glass'. So off the Americans went to Tesco's or whatever and bought a box of chickens.

The Americans phoned up a week later and reported that they tried the method 'Triplex' had outlined and it didnt work, the chicken went straight through the screen and took the head rest off the pilots seat before demolishing the instrument panel behind it at the rear of the cockpit.

Afetr some discussion the 'Triplex' techician said 'Ahhh! thats where your going wrong, you should thaw out the chicken first'..................

[Terence Lynock]

That's on page one, posted by Richard Bond.I was actually working at a company just down the road from the Triplex plant in Birmingham in the late 60's and used to chat to all the engineers and other staff in the cafe on the corner of Livery St, may sound far fetched but it was true and somehow got twisted around so it was the British engineers that screwed up.I could have had all sorts of glass panels from aircraft that had been examined and scrapped out as faulty, even front screens for Tornado's which were then front line stuff, what would a collector pay for a full set of cockpit glass for Concord now?,                              regards,      Terry

[Terence Lynock]

Aer Lingus pilot coming in to land and gets on the radio ' Aer Lingus flight 402 requesting permission to land please' and control gets back with 'we cannot give you permission to land without your exact hight and position'.

He radios back 'OIm five foot nine and oim sittin up the front'.....................

[Richard Wicker]

The following is said to be true, but who knows.

A newly qualified navigator in the U.S.A.F. on his first operational posting is warned that his pilot is a "real hard ass" with a reputation for getting a new guy to quit and request a transfer within a week.

On their first flight the pilot holds up a pistol, and when the Nav asks what it's for he replies "It's for shootin' you the first time you get us lost!"

Thinking quickly, the Nav takes out his own pistol and taps the pilot on the shoulder with it, saying "Yeah, well I'm gonna know we're lost before you do!"

After this the two were reported to be best buddies.

[Peter Miller]

Back in the late 50s I was an Airframe fitter in the RAf. At the time I was worong on the Master Diversion Flight at St Mawgan in Cornwall. This was a great postuing because we got all sorts of interesting visitn aircraft.

Even better, we could often scrounge a lift home at week ends.

I had several lifts home in Ansons. On one such flight we landed at Waterbeach in Cambridgeshire. Unfortunatley the pilot landed on the grass approach and literally bounced onto the end of the runway. We taxied in and stopped and as we got out I heard the copilot ask the captain "Which landing shall I log sir?"

The best ever flight home was in a Meteor trainer which had no ejection seats. The pilot briefed me on procedures.

"If we get into trouble I shall slow the aircraft down to 100 knots and jettison the canopy. Climb out of the cockpit and slide off the wing. If you miss the tailplane count to ten and pull the ripchord."

A fellow member of the section was given a lift home in a Vampire trainer (Could have been a Venom) His briefing about the ejection seat ended with the instructcion. "If I say 'Eject' and you say 'What' you will be talking to your self."

[David Ashby - Moderator]

I caught this box in a shop .......

[001]

It was the end of term at the convent school, the girls had finished their exams, and to fill in time the Mother Superior called in a famous Polish WW2 veteran pilot who lived locally, to give a talk about his experiences.

In the assembly hall, he began, in a strong accent. "On my first day I was over the Channel when I saw a formation of Fokkers, they nearly got away but my wingman and I bagged a couple of the Fokkers, the next day I shot down another Fokker over Kent"  At this point the Mother Superior said, "Girls, I think I should clarify things, the name of the enemy planes is Fokker."  "Oh no, Mother Superior, the Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

[Richard Wicker]

This one I can believe.

During WW1 a British pilot had had his aircraft badly damaged in a dog fight. He was frantically looking for somewhere to land before fire or airframe collapse brought certain death, when he spotted a large chateau with immaculate lawned grounds. Seizing his one chance, he managed to get it down and clamber from the wreckage without being badly injured.

As he staggered towards the chateau a group of staff officers came out and started to tear him one almighty strip off, demanding to know what he thought he was doing ruining the garden and ploughing up their croquet lawn. His reply earned him a court martial (Later withdrawn)

"I'm very sorry sir, I didn't realise I was this far behind the lines!"

[Peter Miller]

Reminds me of a true story.

In Aden in the early 60s we did guard dury, patrolling the technical areas in twos armed with 303 rifles.

One night the station Orderly Officer drove round in a land rover and got out near two patrolling guards. They callenged him, "Halt, Who Goes there?"

He replied "Donald Duck"

The guard then said "Right, Waddle forward and quack your last three" ( Of his service number)

 The airman was put on a charge which was generally considered to be completely unjust.

On another occasion an officer was challenged by a gurad who came up to the Land Rover door. The Officer said "Airman, do you realise that I could have grabbed your rifle?"

From behind him came a reply from the second guard, now leaning on the open rear of the Land Rover with the muzzle of his rifle about 6 inches behind the officers head. "Just try it, Sir!"

[Richard Wicker]

During his trade training in the RAF, (Radar Technician) my late father was sent from the class room to the stores one day for a box of 'Cal Pips'. Off he went, thinking nothing of it. At the stores, the storeman asked him what colour he wanted, and not knowing, had to go back and ask his instructor.

"Green of course" he was told, "and hurry up, the class can't carry on 'til you get back with 'em"

Off he went again, around to the stores at the double and asked the storeman for a box of green Cal Pips.

"Sorry son" said the storeman, "no green ones left, only blue or white, try technical stores, they should have them"

Now technical stores was at the far side of the camp, so after a long 'double march', poor old Dad, red faced and sweating, got there and asked his question.

"Got loads of 'em" the Sergeant in charge told him, and went off down the room, looking on shelves. On reaching the back of the stores he shouted back to Dad "What size do you want, large or small?"

Dad of course didn't know but asked for a box of each and he would return whichever box was wrong.

"Sorry lad, can't do that" came the reply "valuable items these are, I can only issue one box at a time, you'll have to go back and find out what size you need"

On his return to technical stores, by this time almost in tears and on the point of collapse, soaked in sweat, with his instructors words "Bloody small ones you idiot, 'avant you learned anything" ringing in his ears, he managed to gasp out his request to the Sergeant.

"Not your lucky day is it lad" grinned the Sergeant, "an officer from air traffic control just took the last box, you'll just have to explain to your instructor"

As he left, dad heard the Sergeants parting words........."Try again tomorrow, I might have some then"

As you will have guessed, this is the 'long stand', 'glass hammer', 'bucket of steam' trick, for those who don't know, 'Cal Pips' are Calibration Pips, the small green dots of light that mark a radar screen.

In memory of you Dad, I still chuckle when I remember you telling me that, God bless you.

[Phil Claridge]

when i was grease monkey iwas sent to another garage to get a packet of tappet clearances, luckily my brother was also a mechanic and had told me all the tricks they might play, so i buzzed off for half an hour then came back an said they didnt have any .when they tried the bucket of steam idea i went off for an hour and came back with two gallons of distilled water and a bill

[Peter Miller]

Two from my days in the RAF.

Someone was sent over to the store for a tin of propeller pitch.

But the best was an airframe Mech on Master Diversion Flight who should have known much better. He was sent round the station looking for the jacks so that we could do a retraction test on a Chipmunk.

Once he had finaly caught on he was not happy.

Some time later he was send out to change the tail wheel on the Chipmunk and asked where the jack was. He was told he didn't need one and he got really cross. Thing was...it was true. you could take the nut off, put your back under the tailplane, lift and remove the axle pin, change the wheel and replace the axle pin.

Likewise, to take a mainwheel off to work on the brakes a couple of people would put their backs under the wing and lift while a tool box was shoved under the bottom of the oleo leg and the aircraft lowered back onto that.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

During an upgrade to the Nimrods the company I work for won an order to supply cables & connectors to link the various black boxes around the tail section of the aircraft. The spec called out the length of the cables required. We made & supplied 30 sets of cable assemblies. A short time later we got a call to say that some of the cables had been made too short & wouldn't reach between the black boxes & some were too long so they were sending them back.....

Once we got them back we were confused to find them correct to drawing....turns out every single Nimrod is a different size hence some cables were too short & some too long........!!!

Similar thing with the VC10 inflight refueling tankers......one of our guys was on an airbase & his host said..."..we won't go over there...I hate to see grown men crying...." Turns out the fitters had measured all the hydraulic pipes on an aircraft & used these as a pattern to make new ones for the rest of the fleet...you can imagine their disappointment when they found every aircraft was different!!!!

Also on the VC10s they once found a double mattress in one of the wing tanks.......apparently the fitters used to lie on them in the tanks whilst working.......comment from the aircrew..."H'mmm I always wondered why the port tank took less than the starboard one..." Asked what the most unusual thing they had ever found in a tank the answer was "a Bike"......apparently they hid a blokes bike in a wing tank for a laugh & forgot it was there when they replaced the inspection panel.........

As the saying goes...."....those who like aircraft & sausages should never see them being made......"

[Peter Miller]

While I was in Aden on the Maintenance Unit we had to carry out a program of modifications on the Scottish Aviation Twin Pioneers. One of the mods was to fit inspection panels in the underside of the engine nacelles for fire extinguishers.

The mod kits came with all the part pre-cut and shaped. The snag was that all the Twin Pins were different, even the nacelle on on side of the aircraft could have the frames (Formers) two inches diffence in spacing form the other side. IT seems that they didn't even build them on jigs!

And I always thought that they were the exception rather than the rule. I see from Steve's story that I was wrong.

Also on the Twin Pins. And order came down that all the control cables had to be changed as some had been found fraying. All the controls, the flaps and the slats are cable operated.

Now the rule on aircraft is, you remove one cable and fit its replacement before going o to the next cable. Of course the stores didn't have anything like enough cables so we were give the order, Replace them with bits of string until we get the parts in. Well, the aircraft sat around the hangar looking like cats cradles in a fit for weeks.

When the cables did arrive it took weeks to sort them out and get everything working in the proper direction and sequence.

[Terry Mills]

There is a preserved  Argosy in New Zealand, complete with the slip-in passenger module, where you can sit and have tea and biscuits whilst watching a film of Argosys' in action. Very olde worlde. In the talk that followed, we were told that the aircraft was liked by its pilots for the spacious "office", but loathed by the engineers because, being hand built, each aircraft was different. Even more annoying was the fact that they needed three sets of tools, as the nuts and bolts were to different standards.

 But then, he said , came the properly engineered Hercules, and everything else was instantly obsolecent at best. 

[Eric Smyth]

Heard on the flying field "it's nice out I think I'll keep it out".

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Peter I think its often with modifications that things go awry.....as we all know the Nimrods & VC 10s are ancient & they were converted/modified/hacked about over a few years....I think it happens because they do a few....wait for money...do a few more etc etc......people hold aerospace up as a paragon of engineering virtue & it just ain't so

[Andy Green]

Now this is a true story, I used to fly at a southern club, and we had one guy who wasn't that good, but wouldn't be told anyhow someone passed him out of the training scheme so he could fly solo.

One fine day he was wizzing his model all over the place performing loops rolls, and low passes. The model then came in to land, and another pilot went to pick it up. Our hapless flyer asked what he was doing when it became apparent that it was the other guy's model.

I transpired that he had lost sight of his model and started flying someone elses, what was going through his mind as he performed his flight is anyones business.

Needless to say his white card was removed soon after, and he never did find his model.

Andy

[Phil Claridge]

we had that happen once during an all up last down competion 8 planes and 9 pilots the ninth glider had landed quietly in the next field

[David Ashby - Moderator]

One of our club members (now departed bless him) was half way through a take-off once when his trouser belt failed and his trousers fell to his ankles .......he calmly landed before hauling them up much to the amusement of those watching.... 

[Peter Miller]

Just a three weeks ago I provided a lot of laughter for the club.

I had a trainer that I wanted to crash for the cameras to illustrate something for an article that I am writing.

I arrived at the flying field and off loaded the models including the ARTF trainer in the pit area. Then I drove off to the car park.

As I did so I heard a funny sound and wondered what was wrong with the car. There was nothing wrong with it. I had just driven over the trainer's tail and one wing tip. I could hear the howls of laughter in the pits from the car park.

[David Ashby - Moderator]

[fly-navy]

 Same as Eric,not really an aviation tale but indirectly connected.I was on that thing with a roof  with aircraft operating from it,Hermes.Our squadron aircraft used to bomb,straff a target called the straff target,now this is a piece of wood with a hole in it which is towed behind the ship at speed and this produces  a plume of water to shoot up in the air through the hole in the wood,got the picture?Now some evil sod said on the ships daily news a "Splash Target Coxwain" was required,you always get one don't you?His application was duly processed through all the major depts,navigation,a/c rec.etc and the last one was to the air weapon supply party chief,evil bast**d,who asked this young junior seaman to report to him for missile evasion tactics!!!!!!!He stood this young kid at the bottom of a deck ladder and threw all kinds of objects at him saying if one hit him he would fail,there was books,beer cans,soup cans you name it it was thrown,and this kid to his credit dived here,there, jumped, rolled,ran and never got hit,stood proudly up at the end and said "Have I passed?"To his credit the chief had a wonderful certificate made and framed,gave him his tot and a crate of beer.

[Barney Barnett]

Many years ago in the RAAF (Australian Air Force) I was testing aircraft seat harness inertia reels with a machine that uses various weights, the young Engineering Officer was very interested in this process until I sent him to the toolstore to get the "long wait", got him out of my hair for about three hours.

[Peter Miller]

These flat top tales reminded me of the best laugh we ever got in Aden.

HMS Centaur was in Aden and she was flying her Scimitars. One of these had total hydraulic failure. They got the undercarriage down but had no flaps etc. It was decied that the aircraft would land on Khormaksar, our RAF station.

Now Khormaksar has a runway that runs across a narrow strip of land, it starts on one beach and ends at a shallow lagoon. At each end there is a crash barrier that can be raised and lowered. It consisted of two arms with a lot of nylon straps between them.

Needless to say word of the emergency spread and there was a good audience. The Scimitar made a perfect but very fast landing and streaked down the runway towards the barrier. As it approached  the barrier it went DOWN, The Scimitar shot over it, straight into the lagoon and the barrier came back up. The Scimtar sank in the mud up to the wings.

It seems that there was a bit of confusion in the tower and someone hit the barrier button which was a "One button up, one button down" system. Realised what they had done and hit the button again. Perfect timing.

The Scimitar was a write off by the time the got it out of the mud..

The icing on the cake came later. The local flight safety magazine ran a caption contest for the picture of the aircraft sitting in the mud. The winning captions was "A bit off Centaur."