001 Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 At this time of year millions of Christmas Crackers are pulled and in most cases they go bang and some junk falls out. There might be a hat, a whistle and always a slip of paper with the most awful corny 'joke' you ever read. I forgot all of them except this one from at least 55 years ago. I don't know why but at this time of year it comes into my head. (Probably American in origin).Quote. ' My uncle was killed by a weasle' 'Your uncle was killed by a weasle?' 'Yes he was crossing a railway line and he didn't hear no weasle!' Can you find a worse one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobby159 Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 What was the tortoise doing on the motorway About half a mile an hour That was from a cracker today!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 What does father christmas do in the garden? Ho ho ho! As if no ones heard that before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Hooper Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Not from a cracker, but from an ice-lolly stick; Why does an elephant have four feet? Because it would look silly with six inches. tim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross Clarkson Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Two fish in a tank, One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ken anderson. Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 crab went to the disco and pulled a mussell..... it's the way you tell em...ken anderson....ho ho ho... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myron Beaumont Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 For Ken What's a sage ? Someone who knows his onions! Bigamist? A fog over Italy ! Awestruck? Being hit with a paddle! Absentee ? A missing golf accessory ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IanN Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Boy “I think I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum” Doctor “Don’t worry, I’ll give you some cream to put on it” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
001 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Share Posted December 17, 2009 Two cows in a field. 1st cow, "What do you reckon to all this mad cow business then?" 2nd cow. "Doesn't bother me, I'm a helicopter!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weasel Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 why did the man run around his bed, ? Because he wanted to catch up on his sleep! why dose a bike stand on one leg, ? Because it"s two-tired! Now the worst one....... How do you find a lost rabbit, ? Easy just make a noise like a carrot... HAPPY CHRISTMAS..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimbo565 Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Two ducks paddling up the Irish sea,one duck says to the other Quack,the other one replied i'm going as quack as I can. boom boom, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it man Awwwww! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross Clarkson Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 The cheesiest cracker joke of all time, which you will all get at one point or the other. What do you get if you cross a sheep with a Kangaroo? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Former Member Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 [This posting has been removed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian W Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Paddy gets home to find his wife lying on the bed with a gun by her side. Paddy immediately dials 999 and tells the operator his wife is dead. The operator say’s don’t panic paddy; first of all, make sure she is actually dead. Theirs a click followed by a loud bang…….. Ok done that, says paddy, what next? Edited By Ian W on 17/12/2009 23:49:59 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Keown Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 HONEST these ARE from the misses, WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEER WITH NO EYES ??? NO EYE DEER...... WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEER WITH NO EYES AND NO LEGS???? STILL NO EYE DEER...... WHATS BROWN AND STICKY???? A STICK........ WHAT DO YOU CALL A SNAIL WITH NO SHELL????? HOMELESS..... WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP WITH NO LEGS???? A CLOUD...... P.S IF you get a e-mail saying that it contains naked photos of susan boyle .............. DONT OPEN IT...................IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddy Fidling Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 What say'soH oH oH! Father Christmas walking backwards! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myron Beaumont Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Why does an elephant paint its toenails pink? So it can hide in cherry trees. Why does an elephant paint its feet yellow? So it can hide upside down in custard! How do you know when elephants have been making love on your lawn? Your bin bags are missing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iawnski Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 six ants walking to a breast ,errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr never ever found out what that meant ,weird Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myron Beaumont Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 iawnski Isn't it someting to do with insests? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iawnski Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 this has been in the back of my mind since errrrrrrrr a long time ,what i dont understand is what the first part was supposed to say grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Former Member Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 [This posting has been removed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squitters Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I got the Christmas Tree out of the loft the other day, with the wife. Filthy, dirty, covered in dust and cobwebs........ but she's great with the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squitters Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 What's yellow, and weighs 100lbs? Two 50lb canaries. Merry Christmas, one and all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Former Member Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 [This posting has been removed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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