Aviation Funnies

[Robin Colbourne]

Air Combat....

I've just had an email from my brother Stephen, who lives in Canberra, Australia.  He has been flying an electric powered Catalina from a lake there, for the last few weeks.

 Here is this morning's instalment:

' The trouble with these flying boats is that are very vulnerable in dog fights.

I was flying along minding my own business when two 'Nazi' plovers came out of the Sun and attacked the 'Cat'.
One managed to break the tailplane and the other managed to tip the model into a dive and as I was only about fifty feet up there was no room to recover.
Unfortunately I was also in the middle of the lake. Luckily the model ended the right way up , so that I could taxi back to the shore.
The fuselage was split open and I never found the broken piece of tailplane.

I should be able to repair it fairly soon though.'

Stephen

He often got attacked on his hang glider by Australian magpies and various types of eagle.  Fortunately they would go for the nose of the glider where the birds thought its eyes were, and not the 'food' underneath. Their talons made a right mess of the hang glider though.

Has anyone else had problems with the feathered 'airspace users'?

[Peter Miller]

Yes, Several cases. Most recent, my Easter Eagle electric glider with a big bird wing motif on top of the wing was attacked by Rooks.

 In Aden the huge Kite Hawks (Polite version of the name) used to circle over the free flight area and follow models. One one occasion a glider had been up for 37 minutes, not gaining much height and not travelling any distance in the flat calm condiditons.

Eventuall a shite hawk attacked it and just knocked it out of trim enough to make it come down.

They also used to circle over the control line circle quite low. One was hit by a combat model. The bird shook itself and flew off. The engine had a broken crankshaft.

[Terence Lynock]

In India during the war Mosquito's were regularly attacked by dive-bombing Kites, I have a photo of a Mosquito with a bloody great hole in the Stbd wing where a kamikazi Kite went straight through it.

Indian Kites are pretty big and were recorded flying at an altitude of up to 15000 ft!,

regards.

[Keiran Arnold]

When I was in RAFG a buzzard decided to kamikaze a Harrier as it approached to land using partial nozzle for lift - quote from the "i saw the bird and thought I hope that doesn't.... -Bang - followed by the sound of the engine running down" at that point he ejected and promptly walk into the flight line a 100m from where he landed.

[Peter Miller]

When I was at St Mawgan they were trying out an idea to prevent bird strikes. Loud speakers all over the airfield broadcasting the distress calls of seagulls.

After a couple of weeks we could see the seagulls sitting on top of the loud speakers looking in as if to say."What are you doing in there you silly B*****s"

Well, that was another waste of money!

[Terence Lynock]

The only way lads is to fit yer birds with heat-seaking missiles,  yet to sea a seagull come back when it has been hit up the chuff with a sidewinder,

                       regards,      Terry

[Terence Lynock]

I have the plans for the Easter Eagle Peter mentioned, just

  wondering how wasy it is to launch as I am having problems getting aloft these days due to tenno-sinuvitis in my shoulders.

Just about to build me a new launching ramp so perhaps that may help, the old one was just too big heavy and elaborate to lug around so a lightweight version is called for I think, the Easter Eagle with its low aspect ratio wing may be what I am looking for.

Launching my Flying Fox yesterday without a launching ramp I got it wrong and the bird made a swift left turn and nosed in crunching the nose and breaking the complete tail fethers off, took about an hour to repair back home but really need to launch with the tranny in my hands.

We went up on Titterstone Clee just west of Cleebury Mortimer in south Shropshire for the day and it was a very nice peaceful afternoon, just the sound of the odd bird apart from a BAe Hawk that just cleared the top where we were by 100 ft or so, watched him come in over the valley then pull up to clear the summit.

On the summit there are a couple of big radar stations and radio towers, had a walk up and asked the technicians if 35 Mhz would cause them any problems and they said no and I was free to use it as it was a legal freq so Titterstone Clee is on my list of flying venues now, plenty of old quarry workings and big almost sheer cliff faces if anybody wants to give it a go,

                 regards,            Terry

[Peter Miller]

Easter Eagle does need a bit of a heave. Don't know how it would work with a ramp but a catapult launch and start the motor after launch could work OK.

[Terence Lynock]

Thanks Pete, can always give it a go and see how it works out,

                     regards,       Terry

[Terence Lynock]

George Bush walking through the foyer of an airport on his way to Air Force One looks across and sees a tall old man in a grey smock with long white hair and beard and a walking staff in his hand and George thinks 'that looks just like Moses! surely it cant be him!' so goes over and asks 'excuss me sir but you look just like Moses from the Bible, are you Moses'?.

The old man doesnt move a muscle and just stands there looking out of the window across the apron, George tries again - 'excuse me but I am the President and I demand to know are you Moses?' and the old man just ignores him so George goes over to his chief of security and says 'that old man there, he looks just like Moses and I want to know if it is him but he wont speak to me so you go and try'.

The chief of security goes over and asks ' excuse me sir but my boss wants to know if you are Moses from the Bible sir' and the old man turns and says 'yes my son I am the Moses you speak of ' and the chief says 'well why didnt you answer the President when he asked? and Moses looked him in the eye and said 'last time I spoke to a bloody Bush it burst into flames and I spent forty years in the wilderness! never again dude!!.

 regards.

[Broken Prop]

[Carl Muff]

here a picture a friend set me and he never seen me fly

[David Ashby - Moderator]

[Terence Lynock]

Ooooohhhhh.......I bet that hurt...........

regards.

[Peter Miller]

I think I would want to go to a flying school where they teach you to miss the trees.

[Tim Mackey]

Clubmate sent me this over the ether today.... Scary.

[Terence Lynock]

 Hi Folks,

                   I had a bad day at home not work, since we put the house on the market three months ago I have been working on the table in the dining room which isnt ideal as I had to clear it off for mealtimes.

As the market is rock bottom and look likes it will stay that way we decided to chuck the bed out of the spare room with a lot of other stuff and move my big desk which was stored in the garage in there to work on, wife is away for a couple of days visiting so I thought what better time to get the job done.

Everything went fine until I started cleaning the dining room, I had sorted out all my wood offcuts and stuff like that and put them away and all my tins of spray paint in the filing cabinet drawer which is most useful, grabbe the cloths and furniture polish and off to do the dining room.

Lifted one of the chairs onto the dining table to give it a good dusting and polish - sprayed it all over and had the sudden thought  'why has it turned silver?....................yup, although it looked very nice silver I had a hell of a job cleaning it off before the missus saw it, the Mr Sheen can and the silver spray paint can where identical size and even the colour of the can was very simular- .to quote the great Forrest Gump - SH*T Happens..........

 regards,           Terry

[Bev Lawton]

Question for Doug Ireland - Were you on The Fighting Cocks (43 Sqn) when they decided to

shoot down the Guardbridge Paper Mill with a Sparrow missile from one of the spare QRA planes?

[Bev Lawton]

Not my story but funny all the same!

 “F” Pan at RAF Waddington in the summer is not the warmest or calmest place in this land. In winter, it is positively hostile territory, I am sure I was once saw the Russian SAS there getting in some experience for a Siberian posting. On a good day, it plays havoc with the bladder; on a bad day, straight after NAAFI break it makes big men cry.

On this occasion, I was on the pan as part of a “seeing off crew” for a Vulcan B2. The aircraft was to fly on a post servicing air test. The “crewing in” procedure for a normal flight usually took ¾ hours, for an airtest, a full hour was the norm. The “seeing off crew” usually consisted of a Crew Chief who would be in charge of the aircraft, two heavies (airframe and engines fitters) from the servicing team who had serviced the aircraft. We were also blessed by the presence of some fairies (RAF technical term for those minions who chase “wiggly” amps around radio and radar equipment).

It was normal for the seeing off crew to turn out to the aircraft some 15 minute before the aircrew. We would get our checks done first, generally in time for us to correct any of our mistakes before those fool enough to fly the aircraft got to see us put things right at the last minute. We received word that the aircrew would be delayed by about 10 minutes, this happened a few times. In the meantime we where all still outside in the wind and cold, no nice warn “Porta Cabins” for us guys on “F” pan. Eventually the temperature got the better of one “fairy” and he was forced to relieve himself against the starboard main undercarriage, leaving a trail of “fluid” under the wheels.

The aircrew bus eventaully arrived, who would expect officers and aircrew at that to actually walk to an aircraft. The captain and the more senior members of the crew boarded to get out of the weather, leaving the co-pilot, and another even more junior flight member to carry out the walkabout to check the physically condition of the aircraft. The junior aircrew member eventually came across the “fluid” and called the co–pilot over to have a look. The “co” was really experienced; he was old enough to have been shaving for at least 12 months. Showing his vast experience he put his fingers to the “fluid” and rubbing them together he declared that it could not be hydraulic fluid, because it was not red in colour, he then sampled some more and said that it could not be engine oil because it was not brown in colour. He then dipped his finger in to it once more and applied it to his lips and said that it was not water glycol because it did not have a sweet taste to it. Thinking it might have been de-icing fluid; the final sample went half way up his nose on the end of his big finger. To say that he was baffled was an understatement.

He summoned the Crew Chief over and asked him what it might be. As cool as you like, the very experienced crew chief said that it was condensation from the last flight, which had been at high altitude. This of course was bending the answer somewhat since as we all knew the aircraft had been in a warm hanger for some 6 weeks on a planned service and repair program!!!! A happy and contented co-pilot went off to fly his aeroplane

I was neither a crew chief nor fairy, just a bemused airframe fitter who learned a bit more about air force life that day 

[Peter Miller]

Oh I DO like that one!

[Steve Heath]

Going back a few pages to posts by the Navy Boys instead of all these Crabby goings on... old Submariners saying:

 Submarines are safer than aeroplanes; there are more planes under the sea than there are boats submarines) in the sky!

[Steve Heath]

Oops, should have been a '(' before the Submarines.  Must be a spot of digital dyslexia.

[Peter Miller]

True, But you can bail out of an aeroplane. I understand that getting out of a submarine at the bottom of the sea can be a bit dodgy.

[Dusty]

Wind and rain can tip the plane but only YOU can tip the pilot

[Peter Miller]

Tlaking of bailing out. Did you ever hear the story of the USAF pilot who had been used to flying aircraft eith a 0-0 seat. i.e, can eject at 0 speed and 0 feet.

He transfered to B-47s.

One day things went drastically wrong on take off so he ejected.

Unfortunately he forgot one vital thing.

The B-47 had downward firing seats.