Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Phil 9]

[Spice Cat]

I have heard that this is a true story. I hope to God it is. (Hope it's not been posted before. Old but good)

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Phil, just watched "the hobbist" - excellent, I hadn't seen that before!

 

BEB

[Vic. P.]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.



They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.



The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'



He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.



The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.



After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.



The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'



He asks her 'Shall we?'



She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.



This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh-t on its head.'

[ken anderson.]

just found out that one of my friends is addicted to drinking brake fluid... ! when i asked him about it ---he replied he could stop anytime...

 

 

ken anderson ne..1.

[ken anderson.]

my son wanted a pet spider for his birthday--i checked the price..£70.00 .....i told him i could get one cheaper off the web...

 

 

ken anderson ne...1.

[David Ashby - Moderator]

That's bad Ken

[Sparks]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that.... 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

[Broken Prop]

Saint Peter is standing outside the pearly gates when a guy walks up and asks to go inside.

'Well', says St Peter, 'You can only go in if your name is on the list. What is it?'

'I don't know' says the bloke, 'I've got amnesia'.

Saint Peter frowns and says, 'Can you remember anything at all? I need something to go on'.

The man says, ' Ah, yes, I remember. I used to be a carpenter.'

'That's not much to go on', says St. P. 'Anything else?'

'Well, I remember that i had a famous son. Oh yes and he had holes in his hands!'

 

Saint Peter says, 'Don't go away, I'll be back in a minute' and he walks off into the garden. He goes up to the throne where J.C. is sitting and says, Er., excuse me Lord, but I think your dad is outside.'

Jesus exclaims, 'My dad? My dad, after all these years?'

And with that he runs off down the path shouting, 'Father! Father!'

A voice from outside calls back. 'Pinocchio, my son!'

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Eric Powell]

we live in Bromsgrove (do`nt ask me why ,it`s a long story)

anyway we were driving to Redditch one day with my wife navigating(big mistake!) so I asked her where we wanted to turn off to which she replied "the next junction" so like a dutiful husband I turned off at the next junction at which point my earhole got a bashing.

"what did you pull off here for"

"because you told me to my sweetness and light " I replied

"you fool(I think she said) you should have taken the one after this one,thats the one we need,thats what I meant"

women ,do`nt you just love them!

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

OK, your wife buys you two ties for Christmas, so being considerate you duely come down stairs on Christmas morning wearing one of the new ties. What does she say to greet you?

 

"Don't you like the other one?"

 

Proof, if any were needed, that where the fairer sex is concerned you simply cannot win!

 

BEB

[ken anderson.]

bearing in mind that we modern men are the lowest of the low in the 'pecking' order....we were flying back to the UK earlier this week...when we hit some turbulence...her indoor's said......"i'm sure it's more bumpier in the back of the plane compared to the middle/front" .... ..

 

ken anderson ne..1.

[001]

My idea of hell on earth. Driving along an unknown route with an opinionated wife. And a Satnav.

 

I end up arguing with BOTH!

[001]

It probably doesn't help that when turning into a narrow road and cul de sac that leads to a well known beauty spot, the sat nav said that I could, the wife said that I couldn't.

 

I knew that I could and ended up being glared at by dozens of walkers on the road. As well as the ice cube treatment from my left.

 

When I returned home I found the junction and sign on Google Earth Street View. The sign said that there was a 7.5 tonne weight limit. I pointed it out and SWMBO said 'They must have changed the sign (in 3 days!). I said. "I should have asked you to get out and walk!" That's when the fight started!

[001]

I see the Badminton Horse Trials starts next week.

 

 

I know the result!

 

 

***** Spoiler Alert*****

 

 

Dobbin was found guilty.

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Terence Lynock]

And who ate all the Shergar pies?.......

[David Davis]

My ex once instructed me to turn right while gesturing that l should turn to the left.

 

She was Irish.

[Plummet]

Don't even think of mentioning Black Beauty.

P

[001]

This happened at 8 am. this morning. I was with my wife in a small village near where we live.

 

Two Partridges came walking side-by-side down the middle of the road towards us.

 

She said "I wonder where they are going?"

 

 

 

I said. "I expect they are going to the shop to buy their Partridge paper!"

 

 

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Posted by David Davis Telemaster Sales UK on 19/04/2011 13:24:42:

My ex once instructed me to turn right while gesturing that l should turn to the left.

 

She was Irish.

Mine's Scottish but I think it's more generaly female related than just being a Celtish trait. On the rare occasions that she deigns to navigate, I now ask "which right/left" and wait for her to point...50% of the time the words agree with the gesture. If I question her competence the gesture becomes unmistakeable...

 

I suspect that attempting to teach her to fly models would be marriage threatening!

[Eric Powell]

Another one that SWMBO came out with recently whilst we were drivingto the North of England when asked for directions was

"hang on a moment ,the map is upside down" and promptly turned the map around so it was in the direction that we were travellling in !

[David Davis]

"Mine's Scottish but I think it's more generaly female related than just being a Celtish trait."

 

With a name like Dai Davis I should be careful about criticising the Celts.

 

 

[Sparks]

When the wife became ill, the doctor spread lard on her back.

 

..... she then went downhill very quickly.