Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Nigel Day]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're illegitimate children (*)?"

"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."

(*) modified to avoid being moderated (hopefully!)

[Dave Hopkin]

The Late Dick Emery, a great comedian..... but a painfull choice in Charades

[Dave Hopkin]

I was given a Womble Peppermill for Xmas, if that wasn't bad enough, turns out its rubbish, everything is either underground or overground......

Boom Boom ... its the way I tell em

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Posted by Dave Hopkin on 31/12/2014 19:17:30:

The Late Dick Emery, a great comedian..... but a painfull choice in Charades

Ouch!

[Nigel Day]

More good'uns. Keep them coming Dave.

[Nigel Day]

Patrick had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Patrick's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Michael, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Patrick, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! Michael just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Patrick went to see his grandmother ..

"Grandma," he asked, "It’s my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Patrick's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, you idiot!"

[Nigel Day]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[Dave Hopkin]

Whats the difference between a RAF Pilot and a Jet Engine?

The Jet Engine stop whining when you turn it off

Edited By Dave Hopkin on 08/01/2015 16:16:48

[Dave Hopkin]

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

* Rank Has Its Privileges

[Dave Hopkin]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you’re an BA flight, it is 3 o'clock

If you’re an Arny Air Corps plane, it is 1500 hours. If you’re a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you’re an Air Lingus Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. But if you’re an RAF aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour!!!".

[Dave Hopkin]

Military Trueism's

Friendly Fire Isnt

Incoming Rounds have the right of way

Never share a trench with anyone braver than you

If you cant remember, the Claymore is pointing towards you

Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at

Dont draw fire, it iritates the people round you

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics are wrong

If the attack is going well, your walking into an ambush

Tracer rounds work both ways

If the enemy is in range, so are you

Try to look unimportant, they maybe low on ammo

Never tell your Platoon Sgt you are bored

[Dave Hopkin]

Sadly very true but funny (been around a while so you may have seen it)

**LINK**

[Nigel Day]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a few seconds. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

Colleague RC modeler is preparing a kit for his new RC project called : The flying boulder....

**LINK**

[Mike Etheridge 1]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way
to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.Leaning on the wall, he slowly made
his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall;he slowly makes it to the kitchen.There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man? Mustering one great final effort,he threw himself towards the table,landing on his knees in rumpled posture.His aged and withered hand

trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.''BUZZ off''!!! she said,
'they're for the funeral'' !!

[Nigel Day]

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right.. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.........

"What . .. . .. . You're coming empty handed?"

Edited By Chris Bott - Moderator on 27/01/2015 17:51:21

[WolstonFlyer]

ROFL....

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Sorry chaps - but a quick conference by three of the mods ruled the golf story to be "the wrong side of the line" in terms of what is acceptable. Remember this is a "family show" and no one wants to be explaining that joke to their 7 year old daughter!

One other point - please do not copy and paste table entries into posts - as our antique software messes up the formatting! Thanks.

BEB

[Bill_B]

Antique software? That reminds me of another joke: The BMFA Classifieds.

[Nigel Day]

Oops, sorry BEB.

[WolstonFlyer]

You naughty boy Nigel!

[Delta Foxtrot]

Glad I read it before the mods got out of bed.

Nice on Nigel!

[thunderstreak.keith]

what golf joke?

[WolstonFlyer]

The one that BEB deleted.... If you already followed this thread you would have it in an email

[Mark Agate]

I lost a model in the cloud today.
I downloaded it from the transmitter OK, but I can't remember if I put it in Dropbox or my Google Drive...