Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Peter Miller]

LOve it!!!

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

Southwest is the best :

**LINK**

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Posted by Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 08/05/2015 18:34:35:

Southwest is the best :

**LINK**

Thanks Josip

[Dave Hopkin]

Nigel Farage has resigned as leader of UKIP after failing to win the Thannet Seat, Ah well they can get a Pole in for half the price who'll do a better job

 

For Sale: Large Granite slab with graffiti on one side - Contact Labour Party HQ

 

With Ed Milliband, Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg resigning, I cant wait for the next season of "I'm a celebrity"

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 09/05/2015 14:31:19

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Watch the language please gents.

BEB

[Nigel Day]

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's

health care proposals for the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were peed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ... people in Whitehall.

[Shaunie]

😂 love it!

[Delta Foxtrot]

Excellent Nigel! very clever.

[Nigel Day]

A Trinidadian man returned from work one night and headed straight to his bedroom to make love to his wife. When done, he went straight to the kitchen to fetch himself a bottle of cold drink only to find his wife already there looking for something in the fridge.

He asked his wife how come she had made it to the kitchen so quickly, when they had only just finished making love.

His wife screamed: "Aahh!! Dat was me mother in de bedroom, she was so tired when she arrived so I let her sleep in our room."

Alarmed, she ran to her mother and asked her why she didn't say anything when her husband was making love to her.

Mother replied: "Yuh know me, me and yuh husband ain’t on speakin terms talk"

[Peter Miller]

I wonder how long that one will last in this thread!!!!

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

It doesn't breech the CoC - why do you think it will be removed?

Nigel is very clever, he skates close to the line; but, other than one early incident, he doesn't cross it. So far.

BEB

[Nigel Day]

Thanks BEB.

I've got a pretty good idea of what's OK, and what's not, but I try to err on the side of caution if I'm not sure.

Whatever I may think of the policy, I understand why it's here and agree to (try my best to) adhere to it.

Edited By Nigel Day on 12/05/2015 11:00:18

[Peter Miller]

Based on some that have been removed I thought that it might be.

[Nigel Day]

I think that you're a little too cynical Peter.

I don't always agree with the policy but it's here for a reason and I think that it's applied consistently.

Edited By Nigel Day on 12/05/2015 11:01:38

[Peter Miller]

Oh you would not believe just how cycnical I am. Trust me on that!

[Erfolg]

The reference to Trinidadian must be an issue.

I will reference the World Health Organisation, who want offensive and racists terms such a GGGGGG Measles to be removed from common usage and the neutral and correct term Rubella to be used.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

No it isn't - the joke does not ridicule or insult people from Trinidad. Nor does it portray them via an derogatory stereotype in my view. The joke would work equally well if the characters came from Putney! But perhaps Nigel can't write in a Putney accent - Mmmmm, "oh I dunno doh"

BEB

PS Just for the record German Measles is OK on here I think, I'll check, but I think we'll probably allow it. Perhaps best to use Rubella until we are sure though.

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 12/05/2015 14:02:19

[Erfolg]

As would French, English or even German Measles, I rest my case my Lord.

[The Wright Stuff]

I think we should have a little counter at the bottom of this thread, saying "9 posts since the last joke".

Oops, that just rolled over to "10"!

[Peter Miller]

I find one fact very interesting.

From the posts it would seem that all those who have posted so far consider it normal to have a mother in law who would not react to their son in law making love just because they were not on speaking terms with them.

You have some strange mothers in law.

[Nigel Day]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Very good - I like that one!

BEB

[Dave Hopkin]

I called round to see a friend and found him holding a fly swat, "got fly problems?" I asked

"Yes I have five of the little blighters, three male and two female ones" he said

Intrigued, I asked "How can you tell the difference"

His reply...... Three were buzzing round the beer can the other two were on the phone....

No standing ovations please

[Dave Hopkin]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...
Today, you voted."

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

An engineer dies and by some error he ends up in hell. It's not very nice, hot, smelly, dirty and everyone is very miserable.

After a few days the engineer meets the Devil, 'How are you settling in', says the Devil.

'Well, to be honest, this place leaves a bit to be desired doesn't it? I mean, for one thing it's so hot! Have you never thought of installing an air con system?'

'Air con, what's that?', says the Devil.

'Look, leave it to me. Give me a couple of days and I'll see what I can lash up.'

So, the engineer goes around hell, searching the rubbish piles, gathering the odd pump from here and an expansion chamber from there and in a few days - bingo, there is a working air conditioning system. Things are suddenly much better.

'That's fantastic!', says the Devil.

'Oh it's nothing', says the engineer modestly. 'But now we've sorted that out how about clearing up some of this ash? A going over with a large scale vacuum cleaner would make a big difference to the place.'

'Off you go my son', says the Devil, 'you have a free hand to make any improvements you think would be a good idea.'

So, the engineer sets to work. First an industrial scale vacuum cleaner. Then a refrigeration unit for storing cold beer, piped music to add a bit of atmosphere and fountains with tinkling water dotted about the place. Everyone in hell is very pleased with all the engineer has done....

Then, one day, the phone goes. It's St Peter for the Devil.

'Er, have you got an engineer down there by any chance?", says St Peter.

'We certainly have', replies the Devil proudly, ' and jolly good he is too.'

'Well look, there's been a mix up. He should have come up here - not to you. Send him up straight away will you.'

'Not on your nelly', says the Devil. 'He's far to useful here.'

'Look, you know the rules Satan, all engineers come here in recognition of their outstanding contribution to human wellbeing. Now get him up here - pronto.'

'No! I won't', says Satan. 'I flatly refuse.'

'Very well', says St Peter, 'but we're not leaving this matter here. We'll fight this in the courts - see you there!'

'Ha ha ha ha', guffaws the Devil. 'And where are you going get a lawyer from.'

BEB