Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[kevin b]

Posted by TheFlyingCrust on 27/02/2015 23:40:04:

The test says I'm from the Hull area!!

Born in the Midlands and lived in Dorset since I wuz 3 i.e. 59 years. Maybe I just like Yorkshire.

Ian

Can't fault that .

[ken anderson.]

what about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

ken Anderson...ne...1 education dept.

[ken anderson.]

all the toilets in London's police stations have been stolen and now the police have nothing to go on!

ken Anderson...ne....1....... bill dept.

[Bill_B]

Oh dear.....

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Should be enough coppers to cover of spending a penny

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Archaeologists have found the body of Robin Hood. They were puzzled to find a sheaf or arrows in his back pocket. until a preliminary autopsy showed traces of arsenic

[Nigel Day]

Since we're allowed, nay encouraged, to rib our Yorkshire cousins here, this one's been suitably modified.....

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Yorkshireman was located who had a similar blood type. The Yorkie willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Yorkshireman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Yorkie who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Yorkie a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Yorkshireman was disappointed that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I was hoping you would be generous again, and that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but instead I received a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye lad, and also a personal thank 'ee for tha' Yorkshire blood in ma veins".

[Dave Hopkin]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Here's one Yorkie tha'll not be gerring blood outa

John

[Nigel Day]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.... "I'm the groom!"

[Nigel Day]

Well, I've checked all the posts and sections I thought might contain the forum guidelines but can't find what's OK and what's not anywhere. Those that have come across me here won't be surprised at all by that - but I DID try, honest.

A Royal Australian Navy Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure”?

A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant Commander said it was 50-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee

and asked him, “L.S., what in your opinion is the correct answer”?

Without any hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

Leading Seaman: “Well Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.

Edited By Nigel Day on 23/03/2015 18:07:57

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Well, its very simple Nigel. If you look immediately below the box you typed all that in you will find a link to the Code of Conduct - its all in there. And to make it even easier - so you don't even have to scroll down the screen - here is a direct link to it!

BEB

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 23/03/2015 18:19:01

[Nigel Day]

Thanks BEB. Obviously I'm even simpler than that.

At least the post's still there so I seemed to have guessed right about its suitability.

[Dave Hopkin]

My wife is trying the Superglue diet.....

At least its one diet she might stick too....

Boom Boom....... ok I'm getting my coat.....

[Peter Miller]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great, great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[ken anderson.]

boom boom peter.....

ken Anderson...ne...1 laugh dept.

[Dave Hopkin]

So the original lyrics of "American Pie" sold for $1.2 million..... and still they dont know what the reference to "the day the music died" really means - But we really do know....24th May 1956 the day the first Eurovision Song Contest was held

[Dave Hopkin]

I turned into a cat earlier...... dont ask meow

[Nigel Day]

An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says

“Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.”

A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity To Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.

Doctor: “I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.”

Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congratulations... “You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50”

Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.

Doctor : “I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.”

Engineer : “Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.”

Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.

Engineer : “Congratulations. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50.”

Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.

Doctor : “My Eyesight Has Become Weak.”

Engineer : “Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100.”

Doctor : “But This Is a $50 bill.”

Engineer : “Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has improved. ..That Will Be $50.”

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony".......

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Posted by Steve Hargreaves - Moderator on 13/04/2015 22:02:14:

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony".......

Chuckle

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Off topic post deleted.

This thread is for funny stories - that fit within the CoC - not regional debates!

BEB

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 14/04/2015 11:24:27

[Daithi O Buitigh]

The guy who runs our local fish and chip shop was reported to the RSPCA and was accused of battering a cod

Edited By Daithi O Buitigh on 28/04/2015 22:10:27

[Eamonn Fahey]

A guy was sitting quitely reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 'What was that for?' He asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

'YOUR HORSE PHONED.'

[TheFlyingCrust]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”