Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

David Begg 1 · October 29, 2015

A man returns home a day early after a business trip. It’s after midnight and he suspects his wife has been having an affair while he is away.

He asks the taxi driver if he’ll be a witness to his wife’s adultery and he agrees.

On arriving home, they tip toe to the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and sure enough there is his wife in bed with another man.

The wife shouts: ”Please don’t hurt him. I lied when I told you I inherited all that money.

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

“HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

“HE paid for your private box at the football ground.

“HE paid for our holiday house on the Gold Coast.

“HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays some of our household bills!”

Shaking his head, the husband looks over at the taxi-driver and asks, “What do you think I should do?”

The taxi-driver without hesitation replies, “I’d cover him up before he catches a chill.”

Jim Purcha · October 30, 2015

I'd cover him up too.

Jim

bouncebounce crunch · October 30, 2015

A pirate dentist says open up and say AArrrrrr.

Q) What smells funny?

a) clown poo.

Devcon1 · October 30, 2015

Dave was flying down the local club with his mates when he suddenly lands his model and taxis back to the pits, he stands silently and bows his head just as a funeral cortege slowly drives past the club field, that was very respectful one of his mates commented, well, said Dave, we've been married 45 years so that was the least I could do....

David Begg 1 · October 30, 2015

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.'

David Begg 1 · October 30, 2015

A cop calls the station on the radio.

"Hey, Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We've got a situation. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

John F · October 31, 2015

A farmer was out on his quad attending to his flock in a field near to his farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW raced down the lane towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The farmer looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Aye aye, why not"

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his iPad and connected it to a mobile phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"Darn it, that is correct; take one of my sheep, as I have promised you boy" said the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the farmer says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a Management Consultant." said the Sheep Farmer.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required boy" answers the farmer. "You turned up here although nobody bloomin asked you. You want to get paid for an answer I already bloomin' knew, to a question I never bloomin' asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog!"

[Edited for language - but very funny! And sadly true]

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 01/11/2015 13:26:44

trebor · October 31, 2015

You hit the nail on the head with that one

ken anderson. · October 31, 2015

my wife was sitting at the table counting 5p and 10p coin's when she suddenly started crying-i thought she's going through the change............

ken anderson...ne....1........ change dept.

Robert Armstrong 2 · October 31, 2015

One definition of a management consultant;

Someone who borrows your watch then charges to tell you the time.

Don Fry · October 31, 2015

Nay, nay, that's a Conservative.

Kevin Wilson · November 1, 2015

Due to the blind stampede into SMART Metering I have seen quite a few companies do a sales number on my employer.

They come in and fit new meters next to our existing meters (at our cost of course) from which they suck the data into 'the cloud' and charge us hansomely to get our own information back.

Funily enough when we need to read a meter, insted of logging into 'the web' we go and read the old meter as the SMART readings are invariably wrong.

Still, not everyone can be a management consultant.

ken anderson. · November 2, 2015

just back from my mate's funeral--- he died after getting hit on the head by a tennis ball - it was a lovely service..

ken anderson...ne...1 new ball's dept.

Norrland · November 2, 2015

Not a consultant but some common traits...

A helicopter is lost in thick fog over Seattle. The pilot is flying as low as he dares trying to get his bearings. Through the fog he sees a big flat roof and by a stroke of luck a man is walking on the roof. The pilot hovers as low as he can and shouts

“Where are we?”

The man looks up and answers “In a helicopter”.

The pilot replies “Thanks a lot, now I know where we are” and decisively sets a course that will take them to a safe landing the heliport.

The passengers are naturally both a bit anxious and intrigued. “How can that stupid answer tell you where we are?”

“Very simple” says the pilot ”a totally useless answer telling me what I already know, it must be the Microsoft facility”.

We all love to hate Microsoft but still use what they offer.

Typed on a PC just upgraded to Windows 10 / Per R

Eagle 899 · November 2, 2015

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a technician," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Eagle 899 · November 2, 2015

With no apologies to Beamer drivers

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!

I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me,

I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!

(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)

But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

Nigel Day · November 3, 2015

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions.
Why did the Russians take Crimea?
And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says
"I have four questions. My questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?"

Mark Kettle 1 · November 3, 2015

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

......plane sandwiches today.

Dave Hopkin · November 3, 2015

Posted by Eagle 899 on 02/11/2015 20:28:23: