Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Dave Hopkin]

I went to the Bookshop yesterday looking for something on conspiracy theories, there weren't any...

Co-incidence? I don't think so

[Dave Hopkin]

My wife always said if I cheated on her she would leave me...

Last night while playing Monopoly I pinched £2000 from the bank

Fingers crossed............

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

Thanks Dave you are right, but for me.... this is closing the barn after the horse escaped....

Edited By Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 09/10/2014 10:01:10

[cymaz]

I was worried when I got in through my front door last night....I thought, "what have I let my myself in for?"

Yesterday, I saw a man wearing only one glove. I said "why have you done that?"

He told me he had seen the weather forecast. The weather man said "it could be warm but on the other hand it might be cold"

[bouncebounce crunch]

Just realised horses have 8 legs,

2 at the front 2 at the back and 2 on the left and 2 on the right.

[Dave Hopkin]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

[Nigel Day]

TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway, and McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Port Pirie and a team of two Martians.

So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift Bruce and Charlie, the two Port Pirie guy’s, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ecutnstphl and Awdotnypx, the Martians came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ecutnstphl, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Awdotnypx and me, we got three in.”

"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ecutnstphl, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[Dave Hopkin]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

[Plummet]

Posted by bouncebounce crunch on 17/10/2014 09:13:24:

Just realised horses have 8 legs,

2 at the front 2 at the back and 2 on the left and 2 on the right.

That's not what I heard ...

They have six legs. At the back they have two rear legs, and at the front, forelegs.

Plummet

[Malcolm Blake 1]

Get it right Plummet, they have 10 legs. Remember they have 2 forelegs and two rear legs !!

Malcolm

[Nigel Day]

Unless they'd been eating rotten apples - and then they'd probably be legless.

[bouncebounce crunch]

Horses are just a bunch of neigh-sayers

[Nigel Day]

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.

Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

[ken anderson.]

old Chinese saying-----man who stand on toilet is high on pot....

ken Anderson...ne....1......ah so dept.

[Dave Hopkin]

A friend asked if he could crash on my couch.

I had to explain to him I was married now and that's where I sleep

[Dave Hopkin]

I was given a bag of cashews which had been blessed by the pope.

I threw them away...... I hate religious nuts

[Norrland]

Alternative medicine.

A pharmacist had to go out for an errand but was hesitant to leave the running of the pharmacy to the young apprentice. He instructed the apprentice to be very careful in recommending anything to any customer if he wasn’t absolutely sure that it was correct and safe. Better to ask the customer to come back later. When the pharmacist returned after his errand he asked if there had been any customers.

- “It had been very quite replied the apprentice. Just one customer that had asked for something against his bad cough”.

- “And what did you recommend to him”, asked the pharmacist with some concern.

- “It was very simple, I just prescribed a large dose of castor oil”, said the apprentice.

- “CASTOR OIL. ARE YOU CRAZY? That don’t help against a cough”.

- “Don’t it help”, said the apprentice. “See the man across the street holding on to the lamppost. Do you think he dares to cough”.

[cymaz]

 

 

 

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'>>

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[John Privett]

Posted by Dave Hopkin on 09/10/2014 08:30:28:

History records that Emily Davidson threw herself under the Kings horse becoming a martyr for the suffragette movement.

Its fails to record her husband however, who didn't get his tea that night

Nice try, but Emily Davison (not Davidson) didn't have a husband...

Every time I go flying I drive past the exact spot where she was knocked down by the horse. A plaque was unveiled there last year, in time for the centenary of her death.

The plaque itself could be considered to be a "Sign of the times".

[kevin b]

History also failed to recall her last words. " Stop pushing at the back".

Edited By kevin b on 01/11/2014 20:09:58

[cymaz]

A constipated mathematician went to the doctors as he had run out of ideas on how to relieve the problem. He was told to work it out with a pencil

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

[Colin Leighfield]

Oh dear!

[Nigel Day]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué, and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."