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ken anderson.

By ken anderson.,
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Dave Hopkin

Dave Hopkin

Posted
Posted

Bloke sits at the bar and starts to tell a blonde joke to his mate...

The barmaid buts in saying "Excuse me, but I am a blonde and am offended and I have a baseball bat under the counter" She goes on...

"You see that blonde in the corner, she is a karate black belt and has a pathalogical hatred of blonde jokes"

Without pause she continues

"At the other end of the bar you can see a blonde woman, she an all in wrestler and a natural blonde"

after a pause she carries on

"So you should ask yourself do you really want to tell that blonde joke"

The bloke stares at her and thinks about things for a few moments then says

"No your right, I shouldn't tell the joke, I just can't be bothered explaining it three times"

Boom Boom......

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  • 3 weeks later...
Nigel Day

Nigel Day

Posted
Posted

A well-dressed young couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the syllabus subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age and sex of child they were looking for. "It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as it fits into the 8 inch cannon".

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Eamonn Fahey

Eamonn Fahey

Posted
Posted

Love this Japanese Doctor!


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Nigel Day

Nigel Day

Posted
Posted

Sad news at the Nestle Factory today.

A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “the Milky Bars are on me” everyone just cheered!

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