Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Ron Harrison]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on trolleys next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

[ken anderson.]

i was at a wedding last saturday...at the evening do the DJ asked all the men to stand next to the person who had made their life have some meaning.........the bartender was nearly killed in the crush....

ken anderson ne..1 ........ meaningfull dept..

[TheFlyingCrust]

Ken, I've just read the joke about the swimming pool. That actually happened many years ago when my father and a group of other parents were collecting funds and garnering support to build a swimming pool for the school I attended.

It's still a good joke but it wasn't funny in real life.

Ian

[ken anderson.]

the following is true and hot off the press......world exclusive............on monday afternoon i took my 4 year old grandaughter to our local beach....on the way there she was commenting on the pretty gardens as we were passing them....she suddenly stopped at one and commented that a lot of the plants were 'rusty'...........(had been sprayed with weed killer)....

when we arrived at the beach and had a 'plodge' etc......it started to rain so we took shelter in the cafe......i explained that the dark bits of sky was the rain falling on the sea.......good she replied...that will fill it up again for us.......

ken anderson....ne...1....the world through a 4 year olds eye's....

[001]

Prince Charles was being driven around West Devon by his chauffeur, looking at properties. When they reached the town of Holsworthy the chauffeur turned to his master and said " we have reached the A388 road, sir, would you like me to turn north or south?"

"Oh, north please driver, I would like to pass the Duchy on the left hand side!"

[Peter Miller]

That is going back a long time. I wonder how many get it!

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

With the age profile of this forum, I womder how many are young enough to get it!

[Olly P]

reference to a song?

Olly...Obscure reference dept.

[001]

Musical Youth 1982, well it doesn't seem that long ago to me!

I thought it was catchy enough to be well known, but again, if you have to explain a 'joke' perhaps it's not such a good joke!

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

I told it to my kids - they just looked puzzled. Ended up having to point them at this:

BEB

[Mike Etheridge 1]

God was it that long ago!!---I have just been catching up with King Crimson and their song 'Islands' from the same era, but my 20 + year old sons are not interested,and not keen on the group Fox either.

MJE

[TheFlyingCrust]

Back in my previous employ in a Minor Injuries Unit :-

Young kids have a habit of stickin things like peanuts in odd orifices (above the shoulders!). One of the team discovered that if you had a child that had poked a peanut in their ear or nose the best way to get it out is to pour in a little melted chocolate to float them out.

They come out a treat.

Another one only the wrinklies would understand.

Ian

[Peter Miller]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[ken anderson.]

i re------told the story at my daughters wedding last friday about the day she was born...............the midwife said how much she looked like me.........and then she said............. oop's i've got her the wrong way round...she looks like her mam..... ....

ken anderson ne..1....... wedding do dept......

[Mike Etheridge 1]

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently,
he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."

[ken anderson.]

a man who police arrested in yorkshire....who fell in to a combine harvester while attempting to steal it .........is expected to be bailed tomorrow .......

ken anderson ne..1 .......farm watch dept....

[Pete B]

Meanwhile, at a local Magistrates Court, a man accused of breaking into a soft drinks factory had his request for Legalade turned down....

Pete

[ken anderson.]

and the family who were broke in to and had their dyson cleaner stolen said.......we've been cleaned out...

ken anderson...ne...1...........crime dept.

[ken anderson.]

SCOTCH?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

ken anderson.......ne...1........wine dept.....

[ken anderson.]

A truck has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub...... Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.........................

ken anderson........ne...1..its the way you tell em dept.....

[001]

A friend went down to the river Match Fishing.

Caught a box of Swan Vestas.

[TheFlyingCrust]

Walked up to a female member of staff in a well know supermarket today and asked, "Do you know where the WeightWatchers meals are?". "Afraid not", she replied, "I'm new here". "Ok", I said. "Let me show you".

Edited By Rentman on 17/08/2013 23:49:31

[cymaz]

Bumpy







A very loose bowel movement

Edited By cymaz on 18/08/2013 08:09:30

[Mike Etheridge 1]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]