Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[TheFlyingCrust]

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.*
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs .
Over the years, many people questioned armstrong as to what the - 'Good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On july 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr Gorsky to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Here is the answer to "who was mr Gorsky":
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town , he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!
It broke the place up.

Neil armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

[PatMc]

Posted by Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 22/08/2013 14:37:48:

I had to look up Wiki to find out who Chuck Norris was then I noticed his birth date. Don't think the Nazis surrendered before the US entered WW2

[John Privett]

Posted by Rentman on 28/09/2013 22:08:22:

Neil armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

An amusing little tale, but totally untrue.

[PatMc]

Posted by Rentman on 28/09/2013 22:08:22:

Neil armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

Nice joke but not a true story I'm afraid.

[TheFlyingCrust]

That's disappointing. But still amusing.

[ken anderson.]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil,take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper round!"

ken Anderson ne.....1 laughter dept

[andyh]

Posted by Rentman on 17/08/2013 23:47:41:

Walked up to a female member of staff in a well know supermarket today and asked, "Do you know where the WeightWatchers meals are?". "Afraid not", she replied, "I'm new here". "Ok", I said. "Let me show you".

Edited By Rentman on 17/08/2013 23:49:31

I was in a long queue at the supermarket the other day

the checkout girl apologised & said "sorry about the wait"

"don't worry" I said, "I'm sure you'll lose it soon"

[Peter Miller]

Part 1

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble! 

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..'' 
His response -- click.. 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG) 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!) 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 

t around.

 

Edited By Peter Miller on 21/10/2013 09:09:30

[Peter Miller]

Part 2
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[ken anderson.]

read it as you see it ........ ....

ken Anderson.....ne...1 .....'rubbish' dept.

[Devcon1]

I was in the pub the other night with a large group of friends, I ordered a round of drinks, the barman asked me if I wanted a tray, I said no thanks don't you think I've got enough to carry already...

[Bob Cotsford]

Barry and Brenda got married. All was bliss for about a month until one day Barry was in his modelling den fettling his latest aquisition.

"Maybe it's time to sell of some of these models as you are no longer a lonely batchelor" suggested Brenda.

"Funny, that's what my ex-wife said" replied Barry

"Ex-wife - I didn't know you were divorced" says Brenda

"I'm not - yet" came the reply

[Bob Cotsford]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.
The man responded, " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

[ken anderson.]

isn't it funny how at this time of the year the binmen start to speak to you as they empty the bin's! .......... ..

ken Anderson ne..1 ....binmen dept.

[bouncebounce crunch]

My wife thinks I am a sex object

every time I ask she objects.

My wife asked if she was pretty or ugly.

I said you are in between.

you are pretty ugly.

[Mark Agate]

I've got a long story about the airbrakes on my latest model, but I don't want to give away the ending -- spoilers!

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Post deleted......please keep it in good taste folks.

[ken anderson.]

off the TV last night............

my uncle died by drinking a bottle of varnish.......it was a horrible end.......but he had a lovely finish...

ken Anderson....ne...1 laughs dept.

[Cliff Bastow]

Seen on a t shirt,

I am a bomb disposal expert.

If you see me running you had better follow!

[Cliff Bastow]

Seen on an aircraft fault report after flight when I was in the RAF

Radar does not work in OFF mode!

[ken anderson.]

One day , an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop - reaches into his pocket and

takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

 

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

 

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

 

 

ken Anderson....ne.....1 .......jokes dept...

[Stevo]

There was an AA van at the corner of my road last night. The driver was in a right state, crying away.
I thought - "He's heading for a breakdown".

I went to buy a food mixer at the weekend. I said to the guy behind the electricals counter - Do you sell food mixers?

"Kenwood?" He said.

I replied - " you better go and get him then..."

Steve Jarman - Tommy Cooper dept.

[Stevo]

Odd thing at the weekend. Four guys were carrying a coffin round and round the graveyard over the road. I thought.."They've lost the plot.."

 

Went on holiday last year to Egypt. When I was out walking, I tripped and fell in some big river. I kept yelling out that "I'm not in the river! I'm not in the river! I'm not in the river! "

I guess I was in Denile.

 

I've been having counselling recently. I noticed the sign above my Counseller's door..

"Satisfaction or your Mania back"

Edited By Stevo on 15/01/2014 19:55:15

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Post deleted for inappropriate language - remember chaps, it may be funny but the rules still apply here as everywhere else on the forum.

BEB