Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Ah, you beat me too it Chris - I was just about to edit that!

BEB

[Big Bandit]

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in
the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as
good, I leave her the house and £2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business
and £1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me,
and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong.
Hi Dan!"

Cheers,

Chris.

[Big Bandit]

Signs That You've Grown Up.

Your potted plants stay alive. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favourite song in the supermarket.
You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of Holiday time to 7. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
You're the one calling the police at 11 o’clock because the kids next door don't turn the stereo down. You don't know what time Jokers closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Pedigree Chum instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
A £4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & baked beans. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again" Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a pub.

You read this entire list looking for one sign that it doesn't apply to you.

Cheers, Chris.

[Big Bandit]

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down.
Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra
fries and a strawberry shake.
Then off to a pictures to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and
sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten
again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

Cheers,

Chris.

[bouncebounce crunch]

@BEB is this one fine?

a Blonde woman was walking along the river side, she spots another Blonde walking toward her across the river. she yells out "HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE" the other Blonde yells "DONT BE SILLY YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE."

hope it makes it. bbc.

[Braddock, VC]

Tommy cooper told his mate he was on a whiskey diet, any good said his mate lost three days already said tom.

Hope no one's posted that in the 34 pages I didn't read

Edited By John Gibbs on 06/07/2012 18:58:23

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

That's fine BBC! and funny!

Can we just ask that you consider the joke before posting everyone - I've just now had to remove another one. Remember this is a family website - if you wouldn't tell it to your maiden aunt it doesn't belong on here

BEB

PS Mind you I used to have a maiden aunt that swore like a trooper! But she was a bit of an exception and I'm sure you get the general picture!

[001]

I have just been looking at the fares in the leaflet for the restored railway. The Watercress Line.

Dog Fare. £1 (All day Rover) !

[Peter Miller]

Saw a sticker on a car this morning.

"This car is fitted with an immobiliser and is alarmed"

I was going to photograph it but the owner got in a drove off.

I want a sticker that says "This car does not have an immobiliser and is absolutely terrified."

Edited By Peter Miller on 11/07/2012 18:59:22

[cymaz]

How do you sex a penguin??

Take the wrapper off

[Concorde Speedbird]

I'm rubbish at jokes, so I hope this picture will bring a smile to some of you.

CS

[Big Bandit]

Two cows chatting in a field. One says "Isn't this mad cow thing terrible. I hear some of them have got it over at the Clegs farm".

The other replies "Not too bothered, it doesn't affect us ducks."

Cheers,

Chris.

[Big Bandit]

How to read Haynes manuals

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read the instructions before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An 3 year old could do this... so how did you manage to screw it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, exept what you need to do.

Cheers,

Chris.

[Peter Miller]

Great! I needed a good laugh.

Reminds me of the Fitters motto.

" If at first you don't succeed, get a bigger hammer"

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Cheers Chris

That took be straight back to the days when I 'serviced' my own cars.

[Big Bandit]

Hope this works, I just love this one.

Cheers,

Chris.

[Big Bandit]

And another

Cheers

Chris.

[Big Bandit]

Good drills these.

Cheers,

Chris.

[Big Bandit]

This one ain't bad

Cheers,

Chris.

[bouncebounce crunch]

Fred was found at the bottom of the cliff, stone dead with a little bird, also dead, stuck to his shoulder.

When Mick got to the bottom, the rescue services were already there and asked Mick if he saw what happened.

Yeah, he ran, he jumped, but i told him that budgie jumpin was dangerous.

Edited By David Ashby - RCME on 27/07/2012 10:47:20

[001]

This one is true. Many years ago one of my neighbours had an old Vauxhall, (this was probably in the fiftes, the car had a bonnet that was hinged in the middle and it had a starting handle.)

He had been having trouble starting it and the battery had given up, so he was winding it over with the starting handle. Suddenly there was a big bang and the dipstick flew up and into a tree. We spent several happy minutes throwing sticks at it to get it down.

It turned out that there was a hole in one piston and the crankcase had filled with petrol vapour!

[001]

Another one, true. I followed a Citroen CX along the M25. (This was in my previous job) There was a small fire burning in the area of the exhaust downpipe under the bonnet. So we flagged the driver, who had wife and three children with him. He didn't seem to understand the nature of the emergency and just sat there. Eventually we managed to get all the family out of the car, but they would not get off the hard shoulder, they insisted on standing behind the car. 'Please move your family up the bank!' No response. So I emptied the contents of a very large powder fire extinguisher from under the front bumper onto the fire, before carefully opening the bonnet. The wind carried the powder under the car. The result five people standing there completely covered in powder, it looked like Christmas. They then decided to move.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Thjat's almost as good as this one Chris. The family were carrying a couple of large cans of white paint on the back seat and had a fender bender. They were overcome with emulsion, but the car was a white-off

[Big Bandit]

Posted by bouncebouncecrunch on 27/07/2012 10:36:37:

Fred was found at the bottom of the cliff, stone dead with a little bird, also dead, stuck to his shoulder.

When Mick got to the bottom, the rescue services were already there and asked Mick if he saw what happened.

Yeah, he ran, he jumped, but i told him that budgie jumpin was dangerous.

Edited By David Ashby - RCME on 27/07/2012 10:47:20

BBC, behave yourself.

 

Edited By Big Bandit on 27/07/2012 15:35:36

[Big Bandit]

I've posted this one before but it's still funny.

My next door neighbour, a long time ago (in a galaxy far away) where I used to live had a Reliant Robin, he shall remain nameless, Aka "Bob" (but for arguments sake we'll call him Keith ). Anyway he decided that his petrol gauge was not reading how it should, so he decided to fix it (should have read the Haynes Manual first ). First off he dropped the petrol tank (picture, this was a terraced house, so it was in the street, at the kirb side), and removed the sender unit from the tank (he did well without getting a trip to A&E to get this far).

After inspecting the flange where the sender unit had been, he decided to remove the gasket and clean up the hole in the tank. So off he goes indoors and comes back with an old cylinder Hoover. (the kids were playing along the kirb on their bikes all of this time).

The next thing there was a big bang !. The muppet had only cleaned up the rusty flange with the Hoover sucking up the rusty residue along with the petrol vapour until the sparking from the armatures of the Hoover motor sparked it off . I'll not elaborate on my language and considering the kids were playing outside, other than to say his language isn't repeatable on a family forum and neither was mine.

The Hoover ended up half way up the street, less the hose which "Bob" was still holding, and the mains plug was still in the socket (in the house) less it's lead which was still attached to the Hoover half way up the street.

Needless to say the kids were still ribbing him about it weeks later and so was I.

The upshot is, 20 years later, his elderly mum brought the bungalow at the back of where I live now, her bungalow actually backs onto my back garden, and he's an only child. The future doesn't look bright .

Cheers,

Chris.

 

 

Edited By Big Bandit on 27/07/2012 16:53:09