Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Bob.....]

i would'nt say my mother in law was on the large side,but,watching t.v one evening and she walked in front of it,i missed three episodes........boom boom!

[Stephen Grigg]

That Ken Anderson ,he is a card.

[bouncebounce crunch]

There was a young lad from Dunblain.

having his first ride in an aeroplane.

he had such a fright.

on that first flight.

we heard "MUM, I won't do that again."

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Edited By David Ashby - RCME on 04/11/2012 16:42:02

[Peter Miller]

One for Timbo

This a list of films in a box set of war films from the latest "Simply Entertainment catalogue".

The Bridge on the River Kwai,

Sands of Iwo Jima

The Buns of Navarone

Etc, etc.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women:- Volume 1" is now out in paperback.

[Ron Harrison]

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

[Ron Harrison]

I dialled a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

[001]

Another old joke, the first time I heard it was by Hank Marvin at a Shadows concert about 25 years ago.

A truck driver goes into a transport cafe he says "I'll have a breakfast, I want my fried egg raw on one side, burnt to a cinder on the other, my bacon fried to a crisp, the sausages burst and black, my baked beans cold and watery, my fried bread running in grease....." Hold on" says the proprietor "we don't do things to order like that!

"Well you did yesterday!" replies the trucker.

Edited By Chris P. Bacon on 12/12/2012 09:51:31

[bouncebounce crunch]

Three mates meet up for their fortieth birthdays as all are in the same month. Where will we go? Let's go to the Lake Hotel, the barmaids and waitresses are glamours.

they meet again 10 years later for their group fiftieth. Where will we go? Let's go to the Lake Hotel, it is quiet, the food is great and the music is relaxing.

20 years later they meet up for their seventieth. Where will we go? Oh let's go to the Lake Hotel, we haven't been there before.

[Eamonn Fahey]

It's at times like these that I wish I'd listened to what my Dad said.

What did he say?

I don't know, I wasn't listening.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday".

[Eamonn Fahey]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made"

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race Evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well dear it is very simple I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[Eamonn Fahey]

Cleaned up version of the deleted post (Ithought it was too funny to be rude)

Have you heard about that nutter going round stabbing people in the backside with knitting needles?

There have been 36 reported attacks police think he is following some sort of pattern.

[Eamonn Fahey]

Don't make fun of a big man with a lisp.

He's probably thick and tired of it!

[001]

The man became very drunk and rolled into the gutter, unseen by him there was a pig lying there.

A clergyman came along and said. "Without doubt you will be judged by the company you keep."

So the pig got up and walked away.

[001]

Heard on a BBC TV property show. (Honest)." In this apartment the floor is really low down!"

[bouncebounce crunch]

Well I heard an American say he lived in the Western Hemisphere the lady behind the counter looked as shocked as me when our eyes met.

[bouncebounce crunch]

A bloke that lived about 5 mile out of town beside the river would row his boat every day down to the bottle shop also beside the river and buy his bottle of whiskey 3 bottles of beer and can of rum.

he was known as cirrhosis of the river.

[001]

I said to my wife this morning, I am glad that we will be getting our five a day over Christmas.

Red wine, white rine, roose wrne, brundie, viskee and vadcha, hic!

[001]

How did that happen, Captain Slog? posted on exactly the same second.

Reminds me of two years ago when I posted dead on midnight at New Year, no time shown.

Edited By Chris P. Bacon on 19/12/2012 10:33:28

[FlyinBrian]

Posted by bouncebouncecrunch on 19/12/2012 10:23:35:

A bloke that lived about 5 mile out of town beside the river would row his boat every day down to the bottle shop also beside the river and buy his bottle of whiskey 3 bottles of beer and can of rum.

he was known as cirrhosis of the river.

I actually saw a boat of that name moored on the Thames at Marlow

[bouncebounce crunch]

FlyinBrian that is funnier than the joke Lol hhahaha- ah good stuff.

[Antiquated]

I hope this is within the rules

This was seen on an american flying site.

As some of you may know, Santa's flying reindeer are subject to the same rules as any other small aircraft.

Amongst other things, this means that he must take (and pass!) an annual certificate of competence.

So one year, the inspector arrives, and after some initial paper-work and pleasantries, Santa shows him all the pre-flight checks he does: checking the reindeer harnesses, making sure all the presents are well stowed, ensuring that all parts of the sledge are in good working order, and so on.

Eventually the time comes for the flying part of the test. The inspector tells Santa to make ready, as he just needs to pop back to his car for a second.

Santa climbs aboard the sledge, and starts singing a carol to get the reindeer in the mood for the arduous task ahead.

At this point the inspector returns, and climbs aboard next to Santa. However, Santa is rather alarmed to see the inspector carrying a shotgun and queries this new aspect of the test. The inspector replies "Well, I'm not really meant to tell you this, but you are going to lose an engine on take-off"

[Olly P]

Brilliant