Aviation Funnies

[Terence Lynock]

No need for a funeral, just fill the hole in.............

                regards,               Terry

[Ash]

just going back to what Robin Colbourne said about his brother and the plovers. i live in cairns and have run into the same situation, except the plovers don't attack my plane i chase them (ha ha ah). everyone seems to hate these birds and i am not one to disagree.

 the plane i fly is a small cox 049 powered jet style plane which with a rocket straped on the back can do 125 kmph. this combonation of noise and speed means that i am the one annoying the plovers. now anyone would think that these birds would just fly away but they are so dumb that the just land so all i do is a low levle pass and get them in the air again. its great fun and as long as you don't hit a bird whos complaining.

[Keiran Arnold]

SAd but true:-

A F111 crew had a cockpit fire so decided to eject (unfortunatly the F111 cockpit is an escape capsule)

[Ash]

Eric what you say is very true but harming the birds is not my intention just to have some fun. its kind of like a sheep dog rounding up sheep.

[Bev Lawton]

Similar to the game that used to be played down the Falklands.

Things get a bit boring on the air patrols and they discovered that Penguins are very curious/nosey birds.

They used to fly back and forth a few miles off a flock of Penguins - who dutifully followed the Phantom back and forth.

Suddenly the Phantom would peel off and fly straight and low directly at the flock - who would continue to watch it until the Phantom flew above the flock - the Penguins then fell over as it went overhead.

The winner was the one that got the most Peguins to fall over!!!

They have (supposedely) banned this game now after receiving complaints.

Some people have no sense of humour!! 

[Peter Miller]

See my previous pst somewhere near here.

When a  control line model hit a "Kite" hawk in Aden the bird shook itself and flew off. the model was wrecked. and the crankshaft on the engine broke.

You could soon see a plover flying round with a "kill" marking on it!

[Ash]

that must of been one tuff hawk, and plovers do have spurs on their wings which they will attack people with and break skin with if you go to clost to their nests just like magpies but, as long as the plovers don't figure out that i'm flying the plane i'll count myself lucky ha ha ha.

[Bev Lawton]

High Flight        (with FAA Supplemental Information)

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
  And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
  Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)
You have not dreamed of — Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
  High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung(11)
  My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
  I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
  And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
  Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.

FAA NOTE:

1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

[Crash dummy]

17 ... Passengers are advised that only another only two will Guarantee several virgins in heaven.

[Crash dummy]

17 ... Passengers are advised that only another two will Guarantee several virgins in heaven.

[Crash dummy]

ok ... Buy one, get one free!

[Crash dummy]

A red arrows pilot asked a local in Germany on their first visit for several years, "How big was the wall?"

How many bricks can you afford!

[Tim Mackey]

I am not laughing - 1766 emails so far today, the very vast majority forum notices, and a heck of high percentage of those are from fine people who dont read simple rules!

God I wish it was January.....

[Peter Miller]

Timbo.

Think of this. Those same people who don't read the rules build (or rather assemble) models and fly them. Now doesn't that thought fill you with terror?

[Myron Beaumont]

Quote" I wish it was January  "    All good things come to those who wait ! Except me of course( with the exception of the Model Engineering show) -Not much foam there I hope Except on the top of a decent real pint of ale !

[Ady Hayward]

At a demo at a village fete a lady asked if the models crash often...."Generally only the once" was the answer.

[David Martin 2]

Got home the other day and noticed Julia was very quiet, half an hour later she burst into tears saying she's got something to tell me.....oh dear...this sounds serious...health worries....family worries....

Then came the bombshell.... "I knew I should have let you get down the decorations from the attic.." ....Hang on a minute...all my models are up there ......"You haven't fallen and put your foot through the ceiling have you..? (I said hoping it was that simple)" ..... "No..sniff, sniff...it's worse than that.."

The Helis, the Spitfire, the Thunderbolt, the Blob, the QB20H, the Acrowot would all have survived the impact...but NOT the rear half of my 20 year old Sopwith Pup.....

"Come on (I said with my arm round her for consolation) at least you're alright."

So I just need to say.... AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening...

[David Ashby - Moderator]

At least it had a good innings David

[Peter Miller]

I picked up a copy of "The Book of Westland Aircraft" autographed by DA Russell himself at a bargain price. I put it in the bookcase.

The next morning my mother came into my bedroom and showed me the book. One of the dogs had chewed the covers up. They NEVER did that before. It must have smelt like something decomposing.

 Oh well, it didn't cost much and the drawings were still there.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf region are required to give the Iranian Military Air Defence Radar calls at ten minute intervals if they will be transitting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them callsign, transponder code, aircraft type, and points of origin and destination.

The following was over heard in the cockpit of a commercial flight from London to Dubai on the VHF Guard frequency (emergency) 121.5 MHz.

***

Iranian Air Defense Radar:   

“Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace.  Identify yourself.”

Aircraft:  “This is a United States  aircraft.  I am in Iraqi airspace.”

Iranian Air Defense Radar:  

“You are in Iranian airspace.  If you do not depart our airspace we will launch an interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft:  “This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!”

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[Peter Miller]

Oh that really does my heart good!

[Myron Beaumont]

Brilliant -  Reminds me of John  Wayne !

[Dave Towell]

Fantastic I like things like that!!!!!

[ken anderson.]

 what about the lad who came home and found his wife in tears!!!

 "whats the matter dear" he asked

 "am homesick"  she replied 

 "you are home" said he

 "i know--and i'm sick of it"???????????????

 the old one's are the best. 

[Doug Ireland]

Bev Lawton wrote (see)

Question for Doug Ireland - Were you on The Fighting Cocks (43 Sqn) when they decided to

shoot down the Guardbridge Paper Mill with a Sparrow missile from one of the spare QRA planes?

Hi Bev,

Yes I was but it was a 111 sqdn aircraft that did the deed! Gee this brings back memories!

It was at the beginning of a 12hr "Generation Exercise" and all the aircraft from both squadrons were on the flightline and fully loaded. There was a shortage of Hybrid (all the working parts but with a dummy motor) Sidewinders so most of the aircraft were loaded with "ready use" weapons.

I was standing on the spine of one of our aircraft waiting for the aircrew to come out when I saw a bright orange flash from under one of the wings of the nearest 111 fighter. and watched in amazement as a Sidewinder went streaking across the airfield!  It completly cleared the airfield and imbedded itself in the riverbank in front of the paper mill. It didn't explode as it wasn't going fast enough to arm itself.

When it was recovered it had two of its rear wings missing which were later found on the grass at the end of the dispersal, it had hit the ground when it came off the rails during launch.

It was later determined that water had got into the electrical connection for the missile and it shorted when the pilot selected it for tuning.

Fun and games!