Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[kevin b]

Posted by Mark Agate on 01/02/2015 20:23:44:

I lost a model in the cloud today.
I downloaded it from the transmitter OK, but I can't remember if I put it in Dropbox or my Google Drive...

Don't worry. When it turns up someone is bound to put it on Face Book and then all you will have to do is "right click, save as " and put it into your saved documents folder.

[bouncebounce crunch]

Young David asks his dad where people come from.

well son, Adam and Eve had children, and they grew up and had children and so on until here we are today.

mum is such a liar says David, she said there was monkeys, gorillas, then cave men and so on until here we are today

Oh mum wasn't lying, she was talking about her side of the family.

[Dave Hopkin]

My dad always advised me to take everything with a pinch of salt

Nice man, lousy cup of tea

[trebor]

She must have facial hair then ! ( bouncy ) 

 

Edited By trebor on 02/02/2015 11:29:26

[Dave Hopkin]

**LINK**

I know how he feels, but at least he was woken up again, me, I;m still married to it

(not really)

[Mike Etheridge 1]

Funny I have just been writing about puddles and my sister-in-law sent me this:

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

 An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on

the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to
have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation

while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "and how many

 have you caught?"

'You're the eighth.'

 

Edited By Mike Etheridge 1 on 03/02/2015 12:59:35

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Our local vintage car specialist decided to store his spare parts catalogue on the cloud.

Unfortunately there was a cloud burst and it started raining Datsun cogs

[Nigel Day]

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Nigel Day]

Hopefully this one isn't pushing the envelope....

A precious little girl walks into a Pet Shop store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Dave Hopkin]

My Fleabat purchase just arrived..... so excited an original painting of two pairs of British Soldiers in the D Day Landings...

Opened the package..... gutted......... Turned out it was four jerries

[Dave Hopkin]

I'll never forget my Grandads last words....

"Are you still holding the ladder"

[Dave Hopkin]

I invented a sandal for people with one leg

Turned out to be a flop

[Dave Hopkin]

If I had a pound for every girl that told me I was unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive

[Nigel Day]

Nice ones Dave.

[Nigel Day]

WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS

A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take: shovel; blankets or sleeping bag; extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves; 24 hours supply of food and drink; de-Icer; 5Kgs of rock salt; torch or lantern with spare batteries; road flares and reflective triangles; tow rope; 5 gallon petrol can; first aid kit; jump leads

I looked a complete wally on the bus this morning!!!!!

[Nigel Day]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My husband manages to get on every flippin' one of them.

[Nigel Day]

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!

[Nigel Day]

English Stiff Upper Lip:

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

[Nigel Day]

Notes allegedly left in milk bottles

Sorry not to have paid your bill before but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

Milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

[andyh]

wife: "dear, can you go to the shops & get a pint of milk? if they have eggs, get six"

husband return shortly from the shops with six pints of milk

wife: "why have you got six pints of milk?!?"

husband: "they had eggs"

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Posted by andyh on 11/02/2015 19:54:24:

wife: "dear, can you go to the shops & get a pint of milk? if they have eggs, get six"

husband return shortly from the shops with six pints of milk

wife: "why have you got six pints of milk?!?"

husband: "they had eggs"

Chuckle

[TheFlyingCrust]

From a Canadian relative of mine.

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb person put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.!!!

[Dave Hopkin]

Flash News...

Terrorists claim to have planted a number of exposive devices in the Alphabetti Spagetti Factory, a Heinz Spokesperson stated that if they went off it could spell disaster

[Dave Hopkin]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and tonic, thinly sliced cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of.....

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the new CO can find all about that in your file.

Tell him about the day you were rude to the local witch doctor.

Edited By David Ashby - RCME on 19/02/2015 06:17:00

[David Ashby - Moderator]

A few on this page made me chuckle

Folks, yet another reminder that using ****** to hide bad language isn't acceptable anywhere on the forum.

I'm sure many of you don't care, but for those that do, please just stop to think of the moderator who's time you're wasting when you 'try it just to see.....'.

Thanks.