Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

[Peter Miller]

5 hours ago, Paul De Tourtoulon said:

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

On one of the best so far!!!!

[Brian Cooper]

[cymaz]

Extinct 

 

 

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

Came home today to find my wife still on eBay. . . Think I will have to lower the starting price. 

[Geoff S]

20 hours ago, Paul De Tourtoulon said:

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

 

When I was a teen repairing TVs, one of our customers had a Mynah bird.  Its cage was behind the door where the TV was, so I didn't see it when I went in, but I certainly heard it when it wolf whistled very loudly and realistically. I thought my fantasy of having an attractive, bored housewife lusting after a young lad had come true (it never did!).  The bird had a range of incredibly realistic phrases, much better than any parrot I've heard.

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[kevin b]

[Brian Cooper]

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

[Brian Cooper]

Chap playing golf with his friend..
About to take his shot from a tee next to the road, when a funeral cortège went slowly past.
Chap removes his hat and bows his head until lt passed.
His playing partner said, “Well, that was very respectful.”
Chap said, “Least I can do, we were married for 40 years.”

 

[Romeo Whisky]

 A little boy had been reading about eskimos fishing through a hole in the ice, so decided he would try it.

 

He took his rod and a spade, and was just about to dig into the ice when a loud booming voice suddenly shouted from nowhere "There are no fish under the ice!"

 

The little boy jumped and looked around, but couldn't see anyone, so he raised his spade again - and once again the great booming voice spoke out:  "I told you there are no fish under the ice!"

 

The little boy was now quite afraid, and still seeing nobody around he called out:   "Is that you God?"

 

Then the booming voice spoke again ...  "No, it's the ice-rink manager speaking on the Tannoy"

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were stranded on an island.

They found a lamp and when it was rubbed a genie came out and gave them one wish each. 

 

The redhead said, "I wish I was at home."  Poof and she was back home.

 

The brunette said, "I wish I was home with all my family."  Poof she was back home with all her family. 

 

The blonde said, "Awww, I wish my two friends were here!!!!!"

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

Summers going to be great here this year , I think I will holiday at home

Edited March 5 by Paul De Tourtoulon
roads, 2

[Brian Cooper]

[Peter Miller]

3 hours ago, Paul De Tourtoulon said:

Summers going to be great here this year , I think I will holiday at home

I went into town yesterday.  There was one stretch of road where I was weaving around so much to miss the potholes that I am sure I would have been pulled over for drunk driving!

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

1 hour ago, Peter Miller said:

I went into town yesterday.  There was one stretch of road where I was weaving around so much to miss the potholes that I am sure I would have been pulled over for drunk driving!

Watch me on my motorbike, carefully dodging holes, gravel, diesel spills, and jumping up and down in the saddle like a steeplechase rider over the illegal road bumps🤢.

[Peter Miller]

59 minutes ago, Paul De Tourtoulon said:

Watch me on my motorbike, carefully dodging holes, gravel, diesel spills, and jumping up and down in the saddle like a steeplechase rider over the illegal road bumps🤢.

There was one whacking great hole in the middle of the road of Sudbury's market hill. about two feet by 18 inches,  They had put a shovel full of tar in it!

[Brian Cooper]

[Peter Christy]