Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[ken anderson.]

go on richard.......   

 

   ken anderson...ne...1.

[001]

Some people say that they dream in colour.

 

I think it is just a pigment of their imagination.

[TonyS]

Woke up on Sat with a nasty bloodshot eye. Everyone remarks on it which is a wonderful opener for the Optrex gag!!

Thanks RB.. 

[Myron Beaumont]

Talking of eyes & stereoscopic vision & sound . Why is there only one speaker in the house of commons. ?? Maybe it's to do with the Aye's only having it ??

Oh dear --I think I'm getting worse

Changing the subject and relying on some of you "lekky's " out there & not sure if I'm on the right thread

I've a problem with my 12V halogen lamps in the false ceiling in the bathroom . I was sat there yesterday reading the mag (like you do ) when the 5 lamps got dimmer & dimmer & went out .I checked all the "bulbs "  (12 V 20 W) & the switch . The bulbs measure about 1.4 Ohms .Do I have to pull down the false ceiling to find a transformer ? There's always something isn't there .The loft has chipboard throughout over the insulation so it might be better to rip that out Any advice ??

In the dark again Myron

[Phil Claridge]

put another shilling in the meter myron

[John Privett]

Odd that they gradually dimmed before going out rather than going out suddenly - or was it just written that way for dramatic effect?

 

I'd have thought if the transformer or anything else had blown, the lights would have gone out immediately.  Can you get at it from above?

[Myron Beaumont]

John

It was just as if I'd turned down a dimmer switch over a period of about 10 seconds

The switch itself ,or the two wires into it have a voltage of 147V having removed the switch & removing all the "bulbs" . Weird isn't it ?

Yes ,I could possibly get at it from above but not unless 'er indoors is around in case something goes wrong.before she's checked out my life insurance etc

[Peter Gallivan]

I love this thread!!

 

What do you call a deaf dog???

 

HUSH puppy

 

sorry!!!

[Phil Claridge]

written on school black board by teacher,THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP underneath written by pupil,SO DOES THE SCUM(it wasnt me honest)

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[001]

He was left behind on the Deceptive Bends. (A24 Mickleham).

[001]

An appropriate video for 2010?

[Myron Beaumont]

Richard

Very appropriate,maybe for the whole decade to come, but the one person I feel really sorry for is a chap who kicks a ball around and is apparently moving his "club" 'cos he needs more than £160,000 a week . I hope he doesn't lose his child benefit -that would be the final straw

[TonyS]

The thing Myron is that being a footballer he's too stupid to understand the he's being used by his agent. If he sticks around until the end of the contract he moves for nothing and the agents 20% is errrrr....r £0. On that basis his agent has to persuade him that now is the perfect time to move. So, being a soft in t'head he falls for it.

 

Agents - you've got to love 'em.... 

[001]

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

[TonyS]

Chap meets colleague at mind-readers conference  "You're well, how am I?"

[David Ashby - Moderator]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes, I phoned her later for a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

 

 

[001]

David, 'your stories are old, but you tell them well! '

 

(Quoted from Jon Voight character in which Sean Penn film)

[001]

I was visiting a hospital and a man in a kilt kept shouting "Och aye the noo".

 

I asked a nurse, is this a mental hospital?

 

 She said "No. it's a burns unit!"

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Don't know the film Richard......

 

A man sees his doctor..........

"Help me doc, I keep singing  The Green Green Grsss of Home!"

"Sounds like Tom Jones syndrome I'd say"

"Is it common"

"It's not unusual"

 

 

 

 

 

[Stephen Grigg]

Guy was born with 5 willies,underpants fitted like a glove--------------boom boom

[001]

The film was......'U-Turn'.. Quite quirky but good.

 

The following is apparently true.

 

A visitor went to a municipal swimming pool for the first time. She said to the lifeguard "Why is that section of the pool roped off?"

 

The answer "That's the warm section, for the pensioners!"

[Myron Beaumont]

Adressing the little girl in plaits the teacher said :

"Mary, come up to the map and point out Tasmania to me ".

Mary did so.

"And now Ned ," she said to a little kid in the front row,"Who discovered Tasmania ?"

"Mary did,"he said

[ken anderson.]

Stop Press.............................

 

 the man who fell in the upholstrey machine is fully recovered.....   

 

 

 ken anderson.....ne....1...

[ken anderson.]

 

stop press 2 .....................

 

 she was engaged to  a man with a wooden leg-but broke it off....   

 

 ken anderson     ne....1.