Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Klippy]

Local Farmer goes down to the Orchard to pick some apples, whiles he's there he hears some voices from the Dam. Goes to the dam to find a group of female Hikers skinnydipping. They rush to the deep end and say they're not coming out until he goes away. That's OK says he, waving his bucket, I'm here to feed the Crocodile! (sorry, local flavour there)

[ken anderson.]

just in that terrorist's are using can's of alphabetti spagetti tin's with bomb's in them.........if one go's off ........it could spell disaster.........

 

 

 

     ken anderson   ne..1.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

spell disaster - oh v. good!

 

I suppose if they get caught they can expect a long sentence

 

BEB

[Peter Miller]

Did you hear about the farmer driving his tractor and trailer past the local asylum. A patient looked over the wall and asked what was in the trailer.

 

"Manure" replied the farmer.

 

"What do you use that for?"

 

"I put it on my rubarb"

 

"Oh!" said the patient. "You should come in here. We get custard on our rubarb!"

 

Well I know its old but it is clean.

[Ultymate]

A thoughtful Scottish husband
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Well, we know that our Scottish friends have a reputation (totally undeserved I'm sure!) for being careful with the pennies. Well sadly one day old Jock McPherson died. His widow decided that the proper thing would be to put a notice in the local paper. So she goes to the office and asks:

 

"How much is it to put a death notice in the paper?"

 

"You can have 5 words for pound", comes the reply.

 

"Well just put, 'MacPherson's Dead'", she says,

 

"Mmmm", says the guy, "You could have a another 3 words".

 

So she thinks, and says:

 

"OK, make it, "MacPhaerson's Dead. .....Volvo for sale"

 

 

BEB

 

PS With apologies to all Scots - who I know are tremendously generous in real life - he says running for cover... 

[ken anderson.]

how do you drive a scotsman mad?.......

 

 put a jimmy shand record on and nail his feet to the floor.....

 

 ken anderson....... ne...1.

[ken anderson.]

what about the man visiting someone in hospital......one of the ward's he passes...there are loads of scotsmen...walking around shouting "och eye the noo"...the man ask's ...... "are they all cracker's?"....

 

 the doc replies ..."no---that's the burn's unit"......    

 

   ken mc anderson    ne...1.

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[ken anderson.]

or the lad ask's his wife...."what would you do if i won the lottery?"........ she say's---"i would take half and leave you!"...........

 

there you go then he say's" i won £12.00....here's your £6.00....goodbye...."

 

 

           ken anderson    ne....1.

[Phil Claridge]

did you know the scots invented copper wire two of them argued over a penny

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Big Bandit]

Probably been done before, but here goes anyway.

 

Understanding Engineers - Take One

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

 

Chris.

[Terence Lynock]

A line of Irishmen waiting for interviews for jobs, the first one goes in and the boss says ' name please' and the irishman says 'me names Pat sor' and the boss says 'no its not! your name is Patrick so have some pride in it man!'.

The irishman leaves the office and as he passes his mate he says 'watch it Mick! he is a crafty one in der, he asked me my name and I said its Pat, he said its not! its Patrick!' so in goes Mick and the boss says 'Ok, name please' and the irishman says ' me names Mickrick sor'.

Edited By Terence Lynock on 29/11/2010 14:30:01

[Big Bandit]

A bloke who wreaked of alcohol, with lipstick all over his face, and had a bottle wrapped in news paper staggers to a park bench and sits down next to a priest. He then takes another swig of booze and starts to read the paper.

After a while he says to the priest "what causes Arthritis" The priest fuming with disgust at the state of the bloke says "it's caused by  wicked living, loose women, heavy drinking, and general ungodliness.

 

Ashamed at what he had said the priest say's sorry to the bloke and that he should have shown more compassion, he said "do you have Arthritis". No said the bloke, I've just read that the pope has.

Chris .

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Picking up on BB's engineering jokes;

 

A Mathematician, a Physicist and an Engineer all apply for the same job. After interviewing them the guy can't separate them so he tells them that they must undertake an initiative test. Equiped with only a piece of string, a stop watch and a barometer they must measure the height of the building they are in as accurately as possible.

 

The matematician goes first. He climbs to the top of the building, measures one standard second at the top, runs to the bottom of the building and measures a standard second there. Doing a correction for time dialtion, according to Einstein's theory of relativity, he comes to the conclusion that the height of the building is 231 metres plus or minus 15 metres.

 

Next up is the phyiscist. He goes to the top of the building, and measures the atmospheric pressure with the barometer. Then he ties the string to the barometer and carefully lowers it to the bottom of the building where measures the pressure again. Doing a correction for the fact that the air temperature is not at STP, with some satisfaction he calculates the height of the building at 231metres plus or minus 1 metre.

 

Last comes the engineer. He goes to the top of the building.....tosses the barometer of the top and times how long it takes to hit the floor. Result - the building is 231.123metres tall!

 

BEB

[Big Bandit]

BEB, LOL.

[Big Bandit]

A farmer in the states decided to go for a spin in his pony and trap, and took his old dog along for company. Whilst rounding a bend a big pickup truck came speeding long , lost control and trashed the trap.

 

After months in hospital having constructive surgery, the farmer leaves the hospital just in time for the case to come to court . 

 

The case opens with the defense claiming that the farmer told the sheriff attending the scene that he never felt better. When asked by the judge why he said he had never felt better, he said that when the sheriff arrived on the scene he went to the dog and said how do you feel, pretty bad I expect, then shot the dog.

 

He then went to the pony and said how do you feel, pretty bad I expect, then he shot the pony. When he came over to me he said "how do you feel pretty bad I expect". I said I've never felt better. .

[John Privett]

Another one from the States...

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

[Mike L]

A white horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. Barman says " thought you would have ordered a whiskey, we have one named after you" . Horse replies " what, Eric?"  

[Terence Lynock]

A protestant walks into a Catholic church and says 'I am Church of England as was my parents before me but I want to be converted!' so the rugby team took him outside and kicked him over the crossbar........

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Big Bandit]

An elderly couple went to a restaurant. The fella ordered a hamburger, chips, and a drink. He cut the burger in half, divided the chips evenly, and took a sip of the drink. he then began to eat one half of the burger and a few chips from one of the divided pile. In the mean time the elderly lady took a sip of the drink.

 

People in the restaurant were looking and thinking that they could only afford one meal between the two of them. One chap went over and politely offered to buy another meal and drink, the elderly gent explained that they had always shared every thing for the 40 years that they had been married.

 

Mean while the gent took more sips of drink, and ate a few more chips, while the elderly lady sat watching. Again the chap went over to inquire if every thing was alright and would they like a second meal, and again the elderly gent explained that they sheared every thing. The chap then asked the elderly lady why she wasn't eating anything and what was she waiting for......................The teeth she replied.

[Stephen Grigg]

I cant get the last page to go to the bottom on this thread lads

[Tim Mackey]

Try it now Stephen