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ken anderson.

By ken anderson.,
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Devcon1

Devcon1

Posted
Posted

Bought a brand new Thermos the weekend, it claimed it could keep hot things hot and cold things cold for 24 hours.I filled it with some hot chocolate and two scoops of ice cream, 3 hours later guess what? I'm taking it right back where I bought it..

Edited By Devcon1 on 06/12/2016 13:03:48

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cymaz

cymaz

Posted
Posted
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.>>
> >
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.>>
> >
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
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Peter Miller

Peter Miller

Posted
Posted


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive...

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

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Peter Miller

Peter Miller

Posted
Posted


To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting senior citizens (instead of illegals) in order to lower pensions and healthcare costs (flu jabs, walkers, wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)

The Government has established that older people are easier to catch and, in most cases, will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you - maybe I'd never see you again..


Then it dawned on me... Dash it al


I'll see you on the bus!

 
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Dave Hopkin

Dave Hopkin

Posted
Posted

The three wise men traveled across the deserts for 40 days and nights to get to Bethlehem, on entering the stable one of them trod on a rake which had been carelessly left on the floor "JESUS CHRIST" he exclaimed in pain...

Ooohhh, Said the Virgin Mary, thats a much better name, we were going to call him Albert

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Peter Miller

Peter Miller

Posted
Posted
 
The Pilots Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not Acztec, nor Champ.
The fuel trucks nestled, all snug in their spots,
While north wind was gusting to 49 knots.

The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care
In hopes that come morning, they'd all still be there.
And I at the fuel desk, duties caught up,
Had just settled down with coffee in cup

When over the radio, came such a clatter
I turned down the squelch to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow
Asked for clearance to land at the airport below.

He made his transmissions both lively and quick
And I'm sure that the call sign he used was "Saint Nick."
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Sure that it was only Horizon's late Dash.

I peered at the sky seeking Nav lights on sled
I saw only one at the front it was red!
He called his position, and I heard him say,
"St. Nicholas here, inbound on my sleigh!"

He flew the approach, on glideslope he came,
As as he passed fixes, he called them by name
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now FAF Bacon!
On Comet! On Cupid!" (what pills was he takin'?)

The last of those fixes were bound to confuse,
So the Tower called me to deliver their views
The message they gave was both urgent and dour
"When Santa Claus lands, HE WILL PLEASE CALL THE TOWER!"

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
With "Exit at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He stepped from the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I had run out to give him my very last chock.

He was dressed all in fur, which was covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from chimney exhaust.
His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale
And he smoked on a pipe (but he didn't inhale).

He had a broad face, his armpits were smelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old fool,
And, smiling, informed me he needed some "fuel".

A wink of his eye and a turn on his toes,
He left for the washroom to powder his nose.
As he departed I wondered and saw
That my challenge was finding a fuel called . . . straw.

I thought for a while about passing this test
Then remembered a 'plane had arrived from out West
Just full of supplies for a stable quite near
The freight warehouse must contain straw for the deer!

So I went to the warehouse and warnings unheeded
Found and brought back what the nine reindeer needed.
When I got to the sleigh Santa beamed with relief,
Then went for a phone for a flight-service brief.

And I thought, as he silently wrote in his log,
That with Rudolph, he could land in a one-eighth-mile fog.
He finished his preflight, from front to the rear,
Then on with his headset. I heard him yell "Clear!"

And laying gloved finger upon his push-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Straight out on three-zero," the tower called forth,
"And watch for a Cessna inbound from the North."

I heard him exclaim, as he climbed in the night,

"Happy Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."

Merry Christmas to all,

Alan

(poet unknown)

 
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Vince Keld 1

Vince Keld 1

Posted
Posted

Hi guys new member here.

This is my first post so bear with me.

Bloke goes to the doctor says don't know what's wrong with me but I can't stop singing the green green grass of home Doc says sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome Bloke says is that common Doc says well its not unusual have read the thread through cant remember seeing this one if I has I'll try and do better next time cheers Vince

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