Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Fredrum]

Another recent death was the inventor of the throat lozenge. There is to be a memorial service next week, but the family have asked that there be no coffin at the funeral.

[David Begg 1]

An old Dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Dog thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep trouble now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dog exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Dog nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Dog sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dog says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

[KiwiKid]

Well, quite.

Two gangsters walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. As they start drinking one of them clutches at his heart and falls to the floor suffering an apparent heart attack. The other gangster grabs his cell phone and calls the emergency service. The operator answers and the gangster yells "My mates just dropped to the floor, I think he's dead". The operator says "Now listen carefully and do everything I tell you". "OK" says the gangster. The operator says "The first thing we have to do is make sure he is dead". "Gotcha" says the gangster. The operator hears a gunshot, then the gangster comes back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

[ken anderson.]

a woman up in court for stealing a tin of peaches................... the judge tells her she should know better...so as a lesson to her he is going to open the tin of peaches and for each slice she is getting a month in jail........................ her husband shouts down from the gallery ...... "she also stole a tin of pea's your honour....."

ken Anderson...ne....1 .... justice dept.

[Dave Hopkin]

Posted by ken anderson. on 18/06/2016 09:22:48:

a woman up in court for stealing a tin of peaches................... the judge tells her she should know better...so as a lesson to her he is going to open the tin of peaches and for each slice she is getting a month in jail........................ her husband shouts down from the gallery ...... "she also stole a tin of pea's your honour....."

ken Anderson...ne....1 .... justice dept.

Strangely SWMBO didnt think that was at all funny.............

[David Begg 1]

I was sitting in the Grandstand watching the All Blacks play Wales some years ago. Eden Park was packed and the only vacant seat in the main stand was right next to me.

The elderly man in the next seat along told me that he and his wife had these seats for every All Black game at Eden Park since 1953. However he said that she had passed away and he was on his own now.

I said to him "did no one else in the Family or friends want to come with you toda and see the All Blacks and Wales"?

He said "No, a couple of them wanted to but they felt they should really go to her funeral".

[Dave Hopkin]

I took part in my very first spell of fast bowling today.

Nervously, I began from a 30 yard run up, got to the line and swung my arm like Sir Ian Botham in his prime. To my delight, the ball flew from my hand, sending wood flying everywhere.

To my astonishment, I was then escorted from the premises.

Apparently, that's not how you play ten pin bowling.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

LOL!

[Mark Kettle 1]

Drinks cans with gas balls in = about 1:8 scale pilots helmet size.

I'm not joking. Here's a funny.

How do you organise a fantastic space party? You Planet.

[ken anderson.]

serious contender for the inner magic circle/not ....

ken Anderson...ne....1 just like that dept.

[Phil 9]

**LINK**

[Devcon1]

There's a guy who does a high wire tightrope act but instead of balancing with a pole uses a vacuum cleaner, some might say he's dicing with death...

[Dave Hopkin]

For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

[Dave Hopkin]

The wife's just accused me of sleeping with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

"How can you say that?" I shouted.

[ken anderson.]

one of the lads went fly fishing yesterday.............caught a 4lb "blue bottle" ... ..

ken Anderson.....ne....1... pass it on dept.

[David Begg 1]

…….As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[trebor]

[Dave Hopkin]

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

[Dave Hopkin]

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's."

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

[Dave Hopkin]

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

LOL! Good to see you're back on form Dave!

BEB

PS Very close with the surgeon one,....oh but maybe I misread it! Maybe politicians do have a pet ass?

[David Begg 1]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

[David Begg 1]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

[Nigel Day]

I asked my gym trainer "What machine I should use to impress lassies?"
"Try the ATM" he said...

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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It's true.

After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.

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I called our local Paranoia Society today.
The guy who answered the phone said, “How the hell did you get this number!!

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I've just been attacked by some little ginger boy doing martial arts.
It turned out to be the carroty kid

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I was watching Peppa Pig this morning when my wife decided to turn the telly off for no reason.

How childish is that?..

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My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"
I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

[Nigel Day]

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the currant exchange rate!..

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I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which companies were interested...I said the Gas, Electric & cable...

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During my wife's labour, the midwife came up to us and said, how about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name

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My wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants. Won't be needing them anymore then.