Terence Lynock Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Geezer goes into B&Q and asks for a tin of bright yellow paint, the assistant asks if it is for indoor or outdoor use. The customer says 'niether really, I want to paint my budgie bright yellow' and the assistant says 'you must be joking! you will kill it if you paint it!' and the customer says 'no I wont, it used to be green but then I painted it blue and now its looking a bit faded so I want to paint it yellow'. The assistant says 'well, take this tin of Humbrol but I warn you it will kill your bird if you paint it' so the customer takes the paint and off he goes. A few weeks later the customer is in B&Q again and the assistant asks 'hows your budgie?' and the customer says 'ahh, it died' and the assistant says 'I told you the paint would kill it!' and the customer says 'no, it wasnt the paint that killed it, it was the blowlamp getting the old stuff off'........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
001 Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 A carpet fitter had a large room to fit a new carpet to. There were a lot of alcoves and doors to fit it to so it took quite a long time.. As he finished he looked over the work and noticed a lump that shouldn't have been there, so he got out a mallet and flattened it. Just as he had finished the lady of the house put her head round the door. "Have you seen my budgie?!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Why do I find that so believable BEB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephen Grigg Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Because your so gullible BEB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 How true! BEB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ultymate Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 As a lorry driver stops for a red light on the A12 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The driver ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the driver lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The driver lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............ "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the.................... gritter" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Miller Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Because of the awful programs on TV I thought I would suggest some good books to read over the holidays' The Tiger's Revenge by Claud Balls. The Tragedy on the Cliff by Eileen Dover The Baby's revenge by Nora Titsoff. The Dash for the Door by Mustapha (No, I won't put it in because it would only be moderated) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Collected Ghost Stories by Major Jump Russian Torture by Ivan Pullabollokov Flora and Fauna of the UK by Tresa Green Diseases of the Prostate by Mustapha Leak (acceptable version of Peter's!) BEBEdited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 20/12/2010 10:29:35 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ultymate Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 I could give you so many more but would be shredded by the Mods Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
001 Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 How about.......... Off to Market. Tobias A. Pigg French Population Statistics. Francis Crowded. Cooking Pasta. Al. Dente. Let's play snooker. A Q. Ball And so on. Baby's revenge. No I can't add that one, no, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myron Beaumont Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 By the way ,my first mother in law converted me to religion. I never believed in Hell until I met her . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myron Beaumont Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 This is true! In Newcastle (Kens' Gods country ) where I am ensconced for a while longer ,There's a methodist chapel just down the road . There's a large sign outside saying "If you are tired of sin ,come in " Underneath ,written in what looks like lipstick is written "If not ,ring Dulcie on 0191-------------- " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garry Pollard Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Bloke goes to get his name changed. He is asked "what is your name at the moment" Fred Fat Bum Pop Belly Spottyface was the reply Not supprised you want to change that, what do you want to change it to "Brian" was the reply Garry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spice Cat Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 What do you call and Eskimo with five balaclavas on his head? Anything you like; he can't hear you. It's Magic by Sven Gali April Fool! by Sue Prize Come on in! by Doris Open Parachuting by Hugo First Get Moving! by Sheik Aleg I Like Fish by Ann Chovie Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace The Widening Gap by Bridgit Quick I Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight House Construction by Bill Jerome Holme Merry Christmas Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
001 Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 More books. In Farmer McGregor's garden. Peter Abbott Put some fizz back in your life. F. R. Vessant. Army Jokes. General Hillary Tee. Safety on the Building Site. Helmut Waring. Auto Salvage. Rex Toad. Well I Never. I. D. Clare. Edited By Richard Bond on 20/12/2010 23:32:17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vic. P. Posted December 20, 2010 Share Posted December 20, 2010 Japanese scientists have invented a new type of camera with a shutter speed so incredibly fast that they are now able to photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spice Cat Posted December 21, 2010 Share Posted December 21, 2010 I might buy one to see if it catches my mother-in-law smiling..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Miller Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Try telling your wife that you like her mother in law better than yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bri. Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 3 men go to the pub and pay £10 each for a meal the waiter takes their money to the till and takes our 5 £1 coins, he puts £2 in his pocket and gives each man £1 back. This means the men now have only paid £9 (£10 minus £1 = £9 ) Now count the money 3 x £9 =£27 plu the £2 in the waiters pocket =£29 What happened to the other £1????? The object of this is to show how figures can lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myron Beaumont Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Bri Trouble is there is only £25 in the till ! The rest (remaining £5) is split into the 2 for the water and the 1 each for the customer . Very clever though . Teaches you to watch the "smallprint" doesn't it . The point is that the waiter has only rung £25 into the till, the punters have had £3 back and the waiter has £2 in his pocket. £2 + £25 + £3 =£30 so no money is missing. Myron Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Miller Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I can remember very, very heated arguments over that one. I won't get involved now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Similar one is the well known 17 camels puzzle - for those that don't know it, it goes like this... An Arab chief had three sons. After he died his will stated that his estate should be left to his three sons divided in the ratio - 1/2 to his eldest son, 1/3 to his middle son and 1/9 to his youngest son. The problem is all his posessions amounted to just 17 camels. At once the sons started arguing - how could they divide 17 camels between them in the ratio there father required. It would mean the eldest getting 8.5 camels, and so on. This was clearly ridiculous. Eventually their wise uncle comes along. "I will solve this" he says. " I will lend you an extra camel. So now you have 18 camels. You, the first son, you are due half the camels, half 18 is 9 so take your 9 camels and go. There are 9 camels left. You, the middle son, you are due one third of 18, that's 6 camels - so take your 6 camels and go. There are 3 camels left. You the youngest son, you are due one ninth of the camels, one ninth of 18 that's 2 camels. Take your two camels and go. Is every now happy you have your share? Good, there is one camel left - ah yes, that's the one I lent you so I'll take it back! BEB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terence Lynock Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Yes BEB but did he end up with the ugly camel?........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephen Grigg Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Is there any other Terence Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete B Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 One Hundred Years in the Saddle - by Major Bumsore The Sign on the Door - by Hu Flung Dung Hu Flung Dung - by Willy Catchitt Pete Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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