Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Terence Lynock]

Geezer goes into B&Q and asks for a tin of bright yellow paint, the assistant asks if it is for indoor or outdoor use.

The customer says 'niether really, I want to paint my budgie bright yellow' and the assistant says 'you must be joking! you will kill it if you paint it!' and the customer says 'no I wont, it used to be green but then I painted it blue and now its looking a bit faded so I want to paint it yellow'.

The assistant says 'well, take this tin of Humbrol but I warn you it will kill your bird if you paint it' so the customer takes the paint and off he goes.

 

A few weeks later the customer is in B&Q again and the assistant asks 'hows your budgie?' and the customer says 'ahh, it died' and the assistant says 'I told you the paint would kill it!' and the customer says 'no, it wasnt the paint that killed it, it was the blowlamp getting the old stuff off'...........

[001]

A carpet fitter had a large room to fit a new carpet to. There were a lot of alcoves and doors to fit it to so it took quite a long time..

As he finished he looked over the work and noticed a lump that shouldn't have been there, so he got out a mallet and flattened it.

 

Just as he had finished the lady of the house put her head round the door.

"Have you seen my budgie?!"

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Why do I find that so believable

 

BEB

[Stephen Grigg]

Because your so gullible BEB

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

How true!

 

BEB

[Ultymate]

As a lorry driver stops for a red light on the  A12 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 



The driver ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the driver lowers the window. 



As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 



Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. 



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The driver lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............ 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the.................... gritter"

[Peter Miller]

Because of the awful programs on TV I thought I would suggest some good books to read over the holidays'

 

The Tiger's Revenge by Claud Balls.

 

The Tragedy on the Cliff by Eileen Dover

 

The Baby's revenge by Nora Titsoff.

 

The Dash for the Door by Mustapha (No, I won't put it in because it would only be moderated)

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Collected Ghost Stories by Major Jump

 

Russian Torture by Ivan Pullabollokov

 

Flora and Fauna of the UK by Tresa Green

 

Diseases of the Prostate by Mustapha Leak (acceptable version of Peter's!)

 

BEB

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 20/12/2010 10:29:35

[Ultymate]

I could give you so many more but would be shredded by the Mods

[001]

How about..........

 

Off to Market.    Tobias A. Pigg

 

French Population Statistics.  Francis Crowded.

 

Cooking Pasta. Al. Dente.

 

Let's play snooker. A Q. Ball

 

And so on.

Baby's revenge. No I can't  add that one, no, no.

[Myron Beaumont]

By the way ,my first mother in law converted me to religion.

I never believed in Hell until I met her .

[Myron Beaumont]

This is true!

In Newcastle (Kens' Gods country ) where I am ensconced for a while longer ,There's a methodist chapel just down the road .

There's a large sign outside saying "If you are tired of sin ,come in "

Underneath ,written in what looks like lipstick is written

"If not ,ring Dulcie on 0191-------------- "

[Garry Pollard]

Bloke goes to get his name changed. He is asked "what is your name  at the moment"

Fred Fat Bum Pop Belly Spottyface was the reply  Not supprised you want to change that, what do you want to change it to

"Brian" was the reply

Garry

[Spice Cat]

 

What do you call and Eskimo with five balaclavas on his head?

Anything you like; he can't hear you.

 

It's Magic   by Sven Gali

April Fool!    by Sue Prize

Come on in!    by Doris Open

Parachuting   by Hugo First

Get Moving!   by Sheik Aleg

I Like Fish   by Ann Chovie

Leo Tolstoy   by Warren Peace

The Widening Gap   by Bridgit Quick

I Hate the Sun    by Gladys Knight

House Construction    by Bill Jerome Holme

 

Merry Christmas

[001]

More books.

 

In Farmer McGregor's garden.          Peter Abbott

 

Put some fizz back in your life.          F. R. Vessant.

 

Army Jokes.                                          General Hillary Tee.

 

Safety on the Building Site.                Helmut Waring.

 

Auto Salvage.                                        Rex Toad.

 

Well I Never.                                          I. D. Clare.

Edited By Richard Bond on 20/12/2010 23:32:17

[Vic. P.]

Japanese scientists have invented a new type of camera with a shutter speed so incredibly fast that they are now able to photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[Spice Cat]

I might buy one to see if it catches my mother-in-law smiling.....

[Peter Miller]

Try telling your wife that you like her mother in law better than yours.

[Bri.]

3 men go to the pub and pay £10 each for a meal the waiter takes their money to the till and takes our 5 £1 coins, he puts £2 in his pocket and gives each man £1 back.

This means the men now have only paid £9   (£10 minus £1 = £9 )

Now count the money 3 x £9 =£27 plu the £2 in the waiters pocket =£29

What happened to the other £1?????

 

The object of this is to show how figures can lie.

[Myron Beaumont]

Bri

Trouble is there is only £25 in the till ! The rest (remaining £5) is split into the 2 for the water and the 1 each for the customer . Very clever though . Teaches you to watch the "smallprint" doesn't it .

The point is that the waiter has only rung £25 into the till, the punters have had £3 back and the waiter has £2 in his pocket. £2 + £25 + £3 =£30 so no money is missing.

Myron

[Peter Miller]

I can remember very, very heated arguments over that one. I won't get involved now.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Similar one is the well known 17 camels puzzle - for those that don't know it, it goes like this...

 

An Arab chief had three sons. After he died his will stated that his estate should be left to his three sons divided in the ratio - 1/2 to his eldest son, 1/3 to his middle son and 1/9 to his youngest son.

 

The problem is all his posessions amounted to just 17 camels. At once the sons started arguing - how could they divide 17 camels between them in the ratio there father required. It would mean the eldest getting 8.5 camels, and so on. This was clearly ridiculous.

 

Eventually their wise uncle comes along. "I will solve this" he says. " I will lend you an extra camel. So now you have 18 camels. You, the first son, you are due half the camels, half 18 is 9 so take your 9 camels and go. There are 9 camels left. You, the middle son, you are due one third of 18, that's 6 camels - so take your 6 camels and go. There are 3 camels left. You the youngest son, you are due one ninth of the camels, one ninth of 18 that's 2 camels. Take your two camels and go. Is every now happy you have your share? Good, there is one camel left - ah yes, that's the one I lent you so I'll take it back!

 

BEB

[Terence Lynock]

Yes BEB but did he end up with the ugly camel?........

[Stephen Grigg]

Is there any other Terence

[Pete B]

One Hundred Years in the Saddle - by Major Bumsore

 

The Sign on the Door - by Hu Flung Dung

 

Hu Flung Dung - by Willy Catchitt

 

Pete