Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Please Heed this one!



The Government have issued a warning due to the cold weather.



They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they

have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Tyre Chains
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Spare Can of Petrol or Diesel
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads




......mind you, I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning

Edited By David Ashby - RCME Administrator on 25/01/2011 21:00:25

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Nice one!

 

BEB

[001]

Somewhere, a while ago, I read about a person who buys lottery tickets, notes down the numbers then burns them before the draw.

 

It was their idea of getting a thrill!

Does anyone else remember anything about it?

[CARBON_ROD]

Daddy, Daddy ,I don't like grandma ! Well !push her to the side of your plate then , Boom boom!

[ken anderson.]

whats the difference between iron man and iron woman?........

 

 

iron man is a superhero !!!

 

iron woman is a simple instruction.....

 

 

ken anderson ne...1.

[ken anderson.]

this valentine's wisper three word's to your loved one.........

 

 

i'm away out............

 

ken anderson ne...1.

[Myron Beaumont]

Ken

What are you on ?I don't get your jokes.

[John Privett]

Sorry Myron, but I found Ken's joke mildy amusing. However, I found your "not getting" Ken's joke much funnier...

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back nearly 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after,
a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, the Council in Essex reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be British.

[Gaz Elliott]

Very good!!!!

 

[Sparks]

I was driving to the flying site this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

[Geoff Smith 1]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I stayed awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

 

Sorry about the size of the font. It is as I pasted it from another site. 

Edited By Geoff Smith 1 on 09/02/2011 21:48:54

[ken anderson.]

called at the filling station today-i came over all emotional---'i started to fill up'

 

ken andertson ne..1.

 

for myron....

[001]

Keep 'em coming Ken.

[Vic. P.]

DEPRESSED PM

A man on his way home from work in central London came to a complete stop in heavy traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "It's the Prime Minister, he's so depressed about all the recent corruption scandals that he's stopped his limo in the middle of the street and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set light to himself. He says the whole country hates him but he can't resign yet because he hasn't got a big enough pension to retire on. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh, really? How much have you collected?"
"only about a hundred litres so far but I've got a lot of folk still
siphoning."

_______________

[Vic. P.]

What's the difference between a dead banker and a dead cat on the motorway?

.

.

.

.

There are skid marks in front of the cat.

[ken anderson.]

my house got broken into last night--they stole my dictionary and scrabble board.......i tell you-i'm lost for word's......

 

 

ken anderson ne..1.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

I take it that you still have the dark winter nights with you in the NE then Ken?

 

BEB

[ken anderson.]

Posted by Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 10/02/2011 19:54:59:

I take it that you still have the dark winter nights with you in the NE then Ken?

 

BEB

 

 

correct young BEB....i'm off for a bath and then a small/large firewater....to celebrate another day in the life of ne...1.and family...

 

 

ken anderson ne...1.

[Phil May]

Ken

after many months of reading your posts, I've come to the conclusion that your bonkers( no offence meant)

 

B.P

[ken anderson.]

thank's....BP.........take it that was meant as a compliment...

 

ken anderson ne...1.

[ken anderson.]

what about the lad that went to the doctor's complaining about 'money' comming from his rear end!! ......... the doctor counted up the money and said there was £1999.00... !

 

the lad replied that he hadnt felt two grand.... !.

 

for myron and BP........ken anderson ne...1.

[Peter Miller]

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's backend and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Edited By Peter Miller on 11/02/2011 18:24:41

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 11/02/2011 23:31:13

[Myron Beaumont]

Brilliant !

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]