Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[John Privett]

Shall I admit that I looked at that for about 20 seconds, wondering what was wrong with it? No, perhaps I'd better not...

[Pete B]

I've just deleted a post here, gents. Please remember it's a family-friendly forum and the use of asterisks won't help as they are forbidden under the C of C.....

Pete

[ken anderson.]

one of the kids swallowed some scrabble piece's.....we took him to the doc's who told us......watch for when he go's to the loo-it could spell disaster!

ken Anderson ne....1 joined up writing dept......

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

You are not the only one John

[David P Williams]

You know when you're housebuying and you're surprised when the house you view looks a bit different from the 'creative' estate agent's photos? How about these...

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum Cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
So I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,
So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the Foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely Service.

[Nigel Day]

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwarzkopf

(Am I allowed French jokes here? If so, I've a lot more. )

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

The occassional gentle "leg pull" is not a problem Nigel, but we do try to discourage too many joke around national stereotypes - as it is very easy to offend. Overall best given a wide berth!

BEB

[Nigel Day]

Shame BEB but point noted, thanks.

[Peter Miller]

Surely that is not a joke but a historical quotation

[Colin Leighfield]

I thought it was hysterical Peter, historical as well of course! (Sorry BEB).

[David Tweddle]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the Foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified

I remember that being in the charts.

Not any more thanks to DAB Rock...

David

[Plummet]

On the subject of racial stereotype jokes. I visited India, was told a joke. I returned. and was told the same joke, then my Brother returned from the USA and told me it again. The only difference was the nationalities used, sikh, irish, and polish.

On the same track, many years ago there was (my brother told me when he was living in London) a regular joke slot in the Evening Standard. Many of these were racial stereotype jokes, and people had started to complain about them. There were exchanges on the letters page pro and agin such jokes. Eventually the joke slot ran something along the lines of:-

We are aware of the discussion about racial stereotype jokes, about the offence they may cause to some, and also about how much they amuse others. In no way do we wish to cause offence, but equally we are being encouraged to continue with the jokes.

We have surveyed our readership, and we believe that the European nationality that has the minimum, indeed we believe zero readership of our paper is the Andorans. Thus we have decided that any racial stereotype jokes we print in future will be Andoran jokes. If we do have any Andoran readers we must apologise profusely, and emphasise that the choice of their nationality implies nothing about their true racial characteristics.

Anyway, today's joke :-

There were two Andorans, Seamus and Patrick...

[Peter Miller]

It is an interesting point that the great majority of Jewish jokes are told by the Jews. There was a recent series on TV if I remember correctly. Also the jokes told about the Irish were originally told by the Irish about Kerry people.

Maybe we should just tell the jokes as Martians vs Venusians. But then someone would complain.

My favourite joke?

Seen on the wall of the London Planetaruim:

"Is there intelligent life on earth?"

and written just below that was:

"Yes. But I am only visiting"

I can't help feeling that the visitor was right!!

 

Edited By Peter Miller on 03/06/2014 11:41:37

[Plummet]

A bit like Ghandi's reply when asked what he thought about western civilisation.

"It would be a very good idea."

[Phil Brooks]

Surely that is not a joke but a historical quotation

As was Winston Churchill's "the hardest cross I had to bear was the Cross of Lorraine". For the younger among us, that was the symbol of the free french leader, one General De Gaulle.

Edited By Phil Brooks on 03/06/2014 12:58:45

Edited By Phil Brooks on 03/06/2014 13:01:17

[Phil 9]

A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets St Peter.

He says to Peter " I used to love music on earth can I still enjoy it in heaven"

Peter replies "But of course we have all the greats here just come and see"

Peter takes the man to a room where Elvis is up on stage singing at his very best. "if you don't like that we have many music rooms here" says Peter. They go into a second room where Sinatra is putting on a show. In the third room the man sees Bono.

The Man asked "What is Bono doing here I did know know he was dead"

"Oh that is not Bono". says Peter "That is God he just thinks he is Bono"

Edited By Phil 9 on 03/06/2014 12:58:55

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Posted by Phil Brooks on 03/06/2014 12:58:00:

Surely that is not a joke but a historical quotation

As was Winston Churchill's "the hardest cross I had to bear was the Cross of Lorraine". For the younger among us, that was the symbol of the free french leader, one General De Gaulle.

Edited By Phil Brooks on 03/06/2014 12:58:45

Edited By Phil Brooks on 03/06/2014 13:01:17

But like so many of these "jokes" just plain wrong. The quotation was actually from General SIr Edward Spears, Churchill's envoy to France, not Churchill himself.

In fact - while we're at it, I was going to let this go but, the original "joke" is wrong as well. The entire quote is:

"Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of noisy baggage behind"

This has been incorrectly attributed to Schwarzkopf (as here) and Rumsfelt. Both are wrong.

It was actually said by a character called Jed Babbin - a former deputy under secretary of defence in the first Bush administration - on a TV show called "Hardball" on 30th January 2003.

So, if we are going to engage in a feast of self congratulatory xenophobia - surely the least we can do is to try to get the basic facts right?

BEB

PS  Oh and of course that means that strictly speaking it not just an historical quotation - because its incorrectly attributed!

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 03/06/2014 13:56:52

[Nigel Day]

Well that's told us then!

[Nigel Day]

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke.

The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a fair-haired lady.

After approximately fourteen hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up onto the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly four hours after that, the fair-haired lady finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,

'I don't want to sound like I'm a bad loser, but I think those other two girls were using their arms.'

[Nigel Day]

I hope that this isn't risking the wrath of Mod but here goes....

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank accounts details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

like the swimming gag

John

Edited By john stones 1 on 15/07/2014 15:12:54

[ken anderson.]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,

as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong

enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that

he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a

vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in

a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said, 'I may not be the smartest guy

in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer

can next to my ear is going to help me.'

Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So off home he goes, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He holds it

up to his ear and begins to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point

he paused, placed the beer can between his legs

so he could continue counting on his other hand......................

This procedure also works in Newcastle, Bolton,

Sunderland, parts of Stoke on Trent, Spain and anywhere in Ireland.

ken Anderson.....ne...1 laughter dept.

PS..MOD's-if you don't approve of this joke-feel free to give me a red card and delete it.

[Pete B]

Steady as you go, guys.....they are getting a little close to oblivion... and watch your language!

Pete

[Peter Miller]

Posted by ken anderson. on 21/08/2014 18:27:21:

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,

as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong

enough to nick one. Etc, etc.

There was a couple in our village many years ago. She was put on the pill because they had so many kids.

Next year another one was on the way. The Doctor asked if she was taking the pill.

"No, she had heard that they could cause heart problmes so she had given them to her husband."

True story, not a joke!!!!!