Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Dave Hopkin]

My Driving instructor told me to "pull over when you think its safe to do so"

Twenty minutes later her said, "I thought I asked you to pull over when it was safe to do so"

"You did" I replied "but we are still in Liverpool"

[Dave Hopkin]

My Mates asked me to do an impersonation of a Man United player

I did my best

[Dave Hopkin]

I guess our first date went like most of them do...

After some drinks she excused herself to go to the toilet

That was last May

[andyh]

25% of Women are on medication for mental illness That's scary

It means 75% are running around untreated!

[Devcon1]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo.. ? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.....

[Nigel Day]

One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

[Nigel Day]

The executive was interviewing a young person with fair hair for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

The fair-haired person quickly responded, "The living one."

Edited By Nigel Day on 31/08/2015 19:29:47

[Sparks]

I have just deleted all the German contacts from my 'phone.

It is now Hans free.

[Dave Hopkin]

A recent survey has shown that wives who carry a little extra weight tend to live longer than husbands who mention it

[Mark Agate]

My quadrotor is tricky to fly because it looks the same forwards as backwards.
I think it's a palin-drone.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Back in the days of George W Bush's presidency, Donald Rumsfeld, then secretary of state for defence, came into the oval office. "Mr President I am afraid I have some very bad news. Yesterday three Brazilian troops died supporting our soldiers in action."

"My God no." said George, slumping into his chair. For a full minute he sat there with his head in his hands before turning to Rumsfeld and asking, "Tell me, exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

BEB

[Peter Miller]

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’


As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.

Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.


What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.


I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.


Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.


My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money from him.

Moderators, please note, This is about a financial situation, not a race.

 

[Dave Hopkin]

My wife and I have finally found something we have in common

We both wish she was married to Johny Depp

[Mike Etheridge 1]

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails in a while.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" atScrabble..
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[Dave Hopkin]

Since the Pig-Gate scandal erupted across the Tabloids, David Cameron has been inundated with emails, but most of them went into the Spam folder.....

I'll get me coat......

[Dave Hopkin]

Husband and Wife were out shopping in a bust pre-xmas shopping center, after a while the wife noticed that her husband had gone awol

After a while she started to worry and sent him a text "WHERE r u?"

A few moments later he replied...

"Do you remember the jewelers we went into just after we first met, the one with the very expensive necklace we couldn't possible afford then but I promised that one day I would get it for you?"

Feeling more than a little emotional she replied "Yes darling, I remember it like it was yesterday xxxx"

The reply came back "Well, I'm in the pub next door to it"

[ken anderson.]

just back from a trip to the doctor's he told me to only have One Glass of red wine a day....

ken anderson...ne...1 medical advice dept.

[ken anderson.]

another Gem to share with you..

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to
my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's
going to jump out of the window."

 

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

 

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open.........

 

and that's a maintenance matter."

ken anderson...ne...1 ....marital advice dept..

[TheFlyingCrust]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing!"

[Peter Miller]

I love it!!!!

[Old Geezer]

ME TOO ! ! !

[Steve Colman]

Brilliant !

[ken anderson.]

another one to share..

as i was packing my bag's to leave my wife she said..... "i hope you have a long and painful death" ...i replied..."so you want me to stay"...

ken anderson...ne..1 ...... have a laugh dept.

[Colin Leighfield]

I just read that one to my wife Someone please come and remove the frying pan from my head!

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

This is the most dangerous species living in the world....every year, for her and by her, starving milions and more people......On the right side of pics...there is a snake.....