Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Nigel Day]

Very good Martin.

Posted by Martin Harris on 07/09/2016 12:58:06:

Posted by Nigel Day on 23/08/2016 12:34:04:

This year's 'Best Joke' winners from the Fringe:

"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

Apparently, people either love this joke or hate it...

[Phil 9]

Before you insult a man first walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you will have a one mile head start and you will have his shoes

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Several off topic posts removed - the "topic" as such is jokes - not your medical history gentlemen!

BEB

[Nigel Day]

Why Oh Why
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on air planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?..

[Nigel Day]

Courtesy of 'Maxine', a few things we'd love to say to someone:

"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable - like a coma?"

"Never got to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge!"

"Don't believe everything you think."

"Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?"

"I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce"

"If you have something to say raise your hand - and put it over your mouth"

"You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately."

"Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be let out on its own."

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them"

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Hi John, I will have to delete the above as it won't work and all the associated is just breaking the flow if the thread. Fine if you want to repost but you will have to add the pictures according to the instructions here.

BEB

[Phil 9]

I watched a documentary today about ancient Egypt where the commentator described finding an untouched Egyptian tomb as the holy grail of archaeology.

I smiled to myself as I always thought the holy grail was the holy grail of archaeology

[David Begg 1]

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that’s the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on.

On the eighth hole, a policeman walks up to Joe and says, “Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?”

Joe says, “Yes I did.”

“Well,” says the police officer, “it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house on to the road. A driver rammed into a wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it’s all because you sliced the ball.”

“Oh my goodness,” says Joe, “is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is,” the cop says. “Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.”

[cymaz]

From the late Bob Monkhouse....

"People laughed when they heard I wanted to be a comedian ......they're not laughing now"

[Dave Hopkin]

[Dave Hopkin]

[Dave Hopkin]

[Dave Hopkin]

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

[Peter Miller]

[David Begg 1]

Vegetarian is an old Indian word for a poor hunter.

[Dave Hopkin]

I felt so depressed when my wife left me - I ordered five ARTF's and went out and brought a dog - that didnt cheer me up, so I went and brought a motor bike, that didnt work either, so I spent a grand on loose women and booze

She's going to be so mad when she comes home from work...................

[Keith Berriman]

Has a Funny been removed ?   

Edited By RC Plane Flyer on 21/10/2016 19:48:46

[WolstonFlyer]

Yes RC PLane Flyer, it seems it was.

(I am sure it would be against the code of conduct due to the content **LINK** )

[Bob Cotsford]

why, do we have naked lady contributors who might be offended?

[kevin b]

Posted by Bob Cotsford on 21/10/2016 19:30:17:

why, do we have naked lady contributors who might be offended?

No, but we have a lot of Jewish ones, who's mothers might.

[ken anderson.]

bought a pair of tortoise shell shoe's....took me 4 hours to walk home in them.

ken Anderson...ne...1 .....laughter dept.

[Dave Hopkin]

A Blonde goes to Heaven
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an
overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde,
and asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...
... you're singing it now, aren't you?!

[Dave Hopkin]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Dave Hopkin]

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license... They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription"