Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Steve Hargreaves - Moderator]

Sorry Dave....made me smile but that last one had to go.....

[Dave Hopkin]

Fair enough Steve.................

Parachutist leaps out of plane, mail chute fails and to his horror so does the reserve...

Plummeting down to earth he see's another bloke without a parachute passing him going the other way (as you do)

"Hey Mate" he shouts... "know anything about Parachutes?"

"No" replies the bloke "Know anything about gas boilers?"

[Dave Hopkin]

I learn from people who took my advice

[Dave Hopkin]

Whats the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

[Dave Hopkin]

I have always wondered why my wife insists on starting every conversations with "You haven't listened to a word I have said"

[ken anderson.]

a couple in the sea food restaurant ordered the fresh octopus..... the waiter informed them it would take 4 hour's to cook !!!!!!!!!!!...... when the couple asked why...he told them that the octopus kept reaching out of the pan and turning the gas off..........

ken anderson...ne....1............ culinary dept.

[Michael Willey 2]

I was driving along when I heard a siren behind me. I thought I hope its just an ambulance but it was a police car. The officer said, "I'll have to give you a ticket". I said, "Do I get a prize?" He said, "Three of these and you get a bicycle". Then he said, "What's in your boot?" I said, "Me foot".

An Irishman met his fairy godmother. She said, "Now that you have met me I will grant you 3 wishes. What do you want for your first wish?"

He said, "I want a bottle of Guiness that never runs out". The fairy godmother waved her wand an there was a bottle of Guiness. He took the bottle and poured it into a glass and immediately it filled up again.

Then the fairy godmother said, "What do you want for your other 2 wishes?" "That's easy", he said, "I'll have another 2 of these"

[Phil 9]

Posted by Dave Hopkin on 29/10/2016 22:59:37:

Fair enough Steve.................

Parachutist leaps out of plane, mail chute fails and to his horror so does the reserve...

Plummeting down to earth he see's another bloke without a parachute passing him going the other way (as you do)

"Hey Mate" he shouts... "know anything about Parachutes?"

"No" replies the bloke "Know anything about gas boilers?"

wow that's an old joke. It is amazing how it is east to remember the jokes that are not funny

[Plummet]

Posted by Phil 9 on 04/11/2016 19:20:31:

Posted by Dave Hopkin on 29/10/2016 22:59:37:

Fair enough Steve.................

Parachutist leaps out of plane, mail chute fails and to his horror so does the reserve...

Plummeting down to earth he see's another bloke without a parachute passing him going the other way (as you do)

"Hey Mate" he shouts... "know anything about Parachutes?"

"No" replies the bloke "Know anything about gas boilers?"

wow that's an old joke. It is amazing how it is east to remember the jokes that are not funny

What do you expect. Anything to do with plummeting is less than hilarious.

P

[Glyn44]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his damn widow."

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Reminds me of the one about the nervous recruit in the Paras - all through jump training he bugged the instructors over what would happen if the main 'chute and reserve happened to fail. Numerous briefings and demonstrations hadn't put his mind fully at rest and on the day of his first jump he was sitting next to the Sergeant in the aircraft as it was reaching jump height.

"Sarge", he whined, "are you sure the canopies will open properly?"

"For Pete's* sake, Private - how many more times!"

"Yes but..."

In exasperation, the Sergeant snapped, "Look, I'll let you into an old Para trick - if both 'chutes fail, shout Geronimo and flap your arms like crazy, it will slow you down enough to land safely..."

"Oh thanks - let's hope I don't need to though - sounds like hard work." replied the slightly relieved recruit.

A couple of minutes later, the jump light came on and the stick of recruits left the door one by one. The Sergeant closed the door, turned to the Corporal and shouted, "Thank goodness* for that, I didn't think we'd ever get number 10 to jump, let's tell the pilot to return..." but was interrupted by a furious banging noise on the door.

Quickly opening it to find out what was causing the noise, he was amazed to see no. 10's panic stricken eyes and sweaty face, arms flailing up and down madly, with the remnants of his failed 'chutes trailing in the slipstream.

"Sarge, for pity's sake, what was the name of that flipping Indian?!?"

Edited By Chris Bott - Moderator on 04/11/2016 22:12:39

[cymaz]

Sign of the times? Here's Dave Allen on flying

[Peter Miller]

That was brilliant.

[cymaz]

Chris Eubank has just written a book on Ethics. If its a success he will write one on Kent.

[J D 8]

Posted by cymaz on 05/11/2016 06:41:48:

Sign of the times? Here's Dave Allen on flying

Standup's best.

[Dave Hopkin]

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

[Dave Hopkin]

Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

[Dave Hopkin]

A wife is like a hand grenade. Pull the off the ring and say good bye to your house.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Er,...Dave I think you should have gone to Specsavers mate!

BEB

[ken anderson.]

football latest.....the whole country is celebrating Sunderland's win today by setting of firework's...

 

ken anderson...ne...1 sports dept.

Edited By ken anderson. on 05/11/2016 18:47:02

[David Begg 1]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man, he fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became, he just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief they finally arrived back at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled at her, ‘while your in there you might as well get my hat and the credit card!’

[cymaz]

In light of the US election , John Cleese has sent them a letter...

Here

[Dave Hopkin]

[Nigel Day]

Hopefully a few new ones here:

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine.

[Nigel Day]

A man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor who immediately rushes the man to the local hospital to undergo tests.

After the tests are completed the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital.

On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve just received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty disease called R.A.T.E. which is a combination of Rabies, AIDS, Tuberculosis and Ebola.”.

“Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”

“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.”

“Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously.

“Well no," replies the doctor, "but it's the only food we can squeeze under the door.">>

Edited By Nigel Day on 21/11/2016 17:53:08