Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Clive Matthews]

Can we be funny without resorting to racist stereotypes? In fact, can we be funny?

[Wingman]

Racist stereotype? Isn't that somebody who gives it to you in both ears?

[ken anderson.]

what about the lad who took his Duck to the vet's and asked is it dead?...............the vet examined the duck and explained he thought it was a gonner(dead)........the lad wasn't satisfied so the vet opened one of his office door's and in came a 'labrador'...the labrador sniffed the duck up and down and shook it's head to the vet..............sorry it's dead..the lad still unconvinced asked for further 'proof'.....the vet opened another office door and in came a 'cat'...the cat examined the duck up and down and also shook it's head....

 

OK the lad accepted the fact the duck was dead and asked for the bill....which came to £300.00..he protested at the total and was told by the vet that it would have been £100.00......but he had a 'lab' report and a 'cat' scan and this had been added to the final amount..................

 

               ken anderson............2010......

[Klippy]

  Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United
> States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
>
>
>   They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden
> Luis says.......
>
>   "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
>
>   "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
>
>   With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
> distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
>
>   There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon
> ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
>
>   "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."
>
>   "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."
>
>   "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like
> bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
>
>   And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5
> metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up,
> and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his
> dying breath,
>
>   "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
>
>   "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
>
>   "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
>
>
>    Ees
>
>
>
>    Ees
>
>
>
>    Ees
>
>
>
>    Ees a ham bush....">>

[Stephen Grigg]

You know when your getting old,its when you watch a "porno" movie and think----Thats a nice comfy looking bed

[Phil Claridge]

readers digest has gone bust, someone was eating all the proffits

[Stephen Grigg]

Does that mean all the prize funds reserved exclussively in my name no longer exist,IM mortified,I cant buy the models I was planning, they were virtually guaranteed you know,They said so

[Barrie Dav 2]

Yeh, well you have to take the rough with the smooth Stephen.  Can't all be lucky.

[Phil Claridge]

no stephen they were exclusively reserved in MY name so there

[ken anderson.]

UK bobsleigh team have withdrawn from the winter olympic's due to a shortage of 'Grit'....

 

             uk reporter ken anderson..........

[Allan Bowker]

Can we get a health warning for this thread?

 

 

 

 

[Allan Bowker]

You will need to click on the photo to enlarge it !

 

 

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Pete B]

It's a terrible thing but each time I see the How low is low? thread come up in Latest Posts, I can't help thinking about the two prisoners sitting in a cell.

 

One says to the other, "What are you in for?" The other replies, "Having relations with dogs". "That's disgusting!", says the other,  "How low can you get?"

 

The other replied, "I managed a chihuaha once.......".

 

Pete

 

[buster prop]

Bobby Davro's pretty good, he was Buttons in our xmas panto. He said he'd had Ham flu, same as Swine flu but it got cured!

[buster prop]

Two Scots women go into a bar. One says to the other' Are ye having a wee tot?' The other one says 'Noo it's the way ma dress hangs'.

[ken anderson.]

new version of the 'flu' up here is 'lazy swine flu'.....it's spreading fast as well.....the sympton's are --- the sufferer wanting to do nothing....

 

                ken anderson.

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[Bri.]

When i try the forum search drop down list at the top of the page every topic i click give the same comment i.e. nothing found,what am i doing wrong?

[ken anderson.]

just been asking people on the radio if they or their families have any claims to fame----a lad just told them his grandad saved 280 lives during WW2.............

 

 

 

 

 

          he shot the cook.....       's...

 

 ken anderson....ne 1.. humour the best........

[David Ashby - Moderator]

you're bad Ken 

[Phil Claridge]

who called the cook a clot ?  who called the clot a cook ?

ps (clot is variable to suit taste or company)

[ken anderson.]

Posted by David Ashby - RCME Administrator on 12/04/2010 09:33:34:
you're bad Ken 

 No - not bad----just like a 'laugh'.......too much hassle in day to day stuff.....so my mission is to make people 'laugh'.............

 

 

    ken anderson...ne 1....       's........ who came out of the front door and got hit on the head with a pizza and some frozen pot's.....................fallout from iceland.... !!

 

     thank's to craig carr...for that.....   

[Myron Beaumont]

Ken

You're wrong -It's not Iceland !. It's Kenton NE3

Can't stand Iceland --Never anywhere to park near a trolley

[Phil Claridge]

well now we know your off your trolley Myron