Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Former Member]

[This posting has been removed]

[bouncebounce crunch]

We have had many great comedians but i find the sixties, seventies, and eighties of last century the funniest.

This one from Rodney Dangerfield is Risqué.

My wife has cut me down to sex once a year, yes it is horrible but i know a few poor blokes she has cut out altogether.

[ken anderson.]

a man knocked at the front door asking for donations to the local swimming pool....I gave him a glass of water..

ken Anderson...ne...1........ easter joke dept.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

The Ministry of Defence announced that they received a squadron of stealth aircraft last month.

However, they're still trying to find them.

[ken anderson.]

new game show............................ Fern Britton kidnaps Chris Tarrant.......................... ?

BRITTONS GOT TARRANT

ken Anderson...ne...1... showbiz dept.

[ken anderson.]

air traffic control to............. easy jet pilot.........."what is your height and position?"

"i'm 5' 8" and in the front of the aircraft....Over" ......

ken Anderson...ne....1...... aircraft jokes dept.

[Cliff 1959]

My daughter laughed out loud last night whilst watching an episode of 'American Dad'.

Apparently a young lad was renting himself out to girls in his school so they could introduce him to her parents as her boyfriend (as he was so polite and clean-cut). She would then be free to date any undesirable she fancied.

The lad told the girl that he would be able to speak to her father about .... you guessed it ... model aeroplanes as this would make him most acceptable in the fathers' eyes!

[Dave Hopkin]

A dyslexic friend of mine decided that going to poetry classes might help with his condition....

He's been going for a few weeks now, haven't heard any of his poetry buts he given me a nice vase and a few cups

[ken anderson.]

what do you call a can opener that wont work?.................. a cant opener.... ....... Groan I hear you say..

ken Anderson...ne....1..... laughter (sort of) dept.

[Shaunie]

I went to see the doctor last week because my throat felt like I'd got a fish slice stuck down it.

He thinks I've got Utensilitis.

Shaunie.

Edited By Shaunie on 08/05/2017 23:14:35

[Peter Miller]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you broken wind yet?'
'No.'
Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand'

[ken anderson.]

just ordered a chicken and also an egg from amazon....i'll let you know which comes first.....

ken Anderson...ne...1 chicken/egg joke dept.

[Devcon1]

Old lady driving home on the M4 from a shopping trip gets a call from worried husband to say he's heard reports on the news of a car driving the wrong way on the motorway, I know she says, there's not just one there's hundreds...

[Devcon1]

Just found out I'm colour blind, bit of a shock it came completely out of the red...

[Shaunie]

I went to the Doctor because my throat felt like I had a fish slice stuck down it. He thinks I've got Utensilitis!

Shaunie.

[Gary Manuel]

Posted by Shaunie on 31/05/2017 22:29:57:

I went to the Doctor because my throat felt like I had a fish slice stuck down it. He thinks I've got Utensilitis!

Shaunie.

The treatment for it that he gave you on your last visit (bottom of previous page) didn't work then Shaunie?

[Shaunie]

Think of it as a delayed double post!

Forgot I'd already put it here, I blame my age!

Shaunie.

[Martian]

How not to start an engine
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWcoCFihJJ7/

[trebor]

It's a shame they cut it short, would have liked to see their reaction afterwards. Maybe he nearly lost a finger previously.

[Glyn44]

Naw just trying out his new Doc Martins!

[cymaz]

Posted by Martian on 12/07/2017 15:32:39:
How not to start an engine
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWcoCFihJJ7/

I nearly fell off my chair laughing...

Here is the other version....

 

Edited By cymaz on 12/07/2017 22:48:56

[G-JIMG]

A Beautiful Blonde woman boards a plane to New York and seats herself down in the First Class cabin, despite only having an Economy Class ticket.

No amount of explaining or pleading by the Stewardess can get the woman to move. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I can sit wherever I like".

Eventually the aircraft captain arrives, whispers in the woman's ear and she immediately gets up and hurries back to Economy, apologising profusely as she goes.

The Stewardess is amazed. "What on earth did you say to her"?

"It's simple" said the Captain, "My Wife is fair haired so I speak fluent Blonde, I just told her the front section of the plane wasn't stopping at New York".

[Peter Miller]

Oh Yess. I love it.

[Peter Miller]

[trebor]

Posted by cymaz on 12/07/2017 22:45:36:

Posted by Martian on 12/07/2017 15:32:39:
How not to start an engine
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWcoCFihJJ7/

I nearly fell off my chair laughing...

Here is the other version....

Edited By cymaz on 12/07/2017 22:48:56

Priceless 👍