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ken anderson.

By ken anderson.,
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Gary Manuel

Gary Manuel

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Posted
Posted by ken anderson. on 28/08/2017 18:07:55:

just heard this...worth sharing with you's......

I have created an arty underground bunker in case Britain gets invaded ---- it my Handy War Hole ..

ken Anderson....ne...1......war dept.

I've heard that these bunkers cause enemy fire to be off target for quarter of an hour ----- every one gets 15 minutes off aim.

Sorry ...

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G-JIMG

G-JIMG

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Posted

Another true happening........

A neighbour had taken a tumble and managed to break her ankle. She was taken to Lincoln General Hospital where they did all the usual things - X-Ray, Plaster Cast, etc. before sending her home.

A couple of days later she received, via e-mail, a Customer Satisfaction Survey from the Hospital with the question ...

"Would you recommend Lincoln A&E to a friend" !!!

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Keith Lomax

Keith Lomax

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Too many pages to read through, so apologies if this has been on before.

Driving to the West Country earlier this year to visit family who I haven't seen in a couple of years, on the A303 just past Stonehenge. Tempers were a bit frayed due to having been sitting in the inevitable queue for nearly an hour to do five miles. Just past Stonehenge is a pig farm on the other side of the road.

SWMBO says to me "they look like some of your relatives".

"Yes", I replied, "In-Laws".

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Glyn44

Glyn44

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Posted

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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bouncebounce crunch

bouncebounce crunch

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Posted

A fellow was out hunting when he spots a big brown bear, he takes aim, fires and misses. the bear runs him down drags him off in to the bushes and plays birds and the bees with him,

well the hunter is furious and returns the following week with a bigger and deadlier rifle. again he misses and again the bear drags him off to the bushes for more birds and the bees.

the hunter is livid and returns a week later with a bazooka. again he takes aim fires and misses. the bear runs the hunter down grabs him by the ear and asks. " you don't really come here for the hunting do you?"

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Daithi O Buitigh

Daithi O Buitigh

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my pension.
The woman behind the counter asked me for any documents to verify my age..
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got Disability, too'
And that's how the fight got started...... .

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Robin Colbourne

Robin Colbourne

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Posted by G-JIMG on 23/08/2017 13:24:43:

True happening...................

Driving to visit friends of my Wife (who I had never met) I was following her directions. So, when she said, "take the next turning on the left" I dutifully obliged, but was instantly berated, "Why the hell have you turned down this road"?

"Because you told me to dear".

"I meant the other left"!

In our household we have apparently replaced Left & Right with Left and the other left!

This reminds me of a trip to Australia some years ago. It was New Year's Eve, and my brother, his girlfriend and I were driving from Canberra, via the MAAA nationals at Albury, to Mount Eliza, just South of Melbourne, to stay with a friend's family and see the New Year in with them.

Now I'm a bit of a navigation freak, usually taking a map, GPS and Google Maps printout on this sort of trip, so I'm a bit uncomfortable about the distinct lack of all three (well maybe there was a map, but I'm sure the UK was on the same page). Anyway, all the way through the nine hour journey from Canberra, both my brother and his girlfriend are adamant that they knew where the friend lives.... Until we get to Mount Eliza.... at which point the 'heated' discussion in the front starts...

Now I should mention at this stage that the Australian Police, like ours, take a tough stance to drink driving, particularly over occasions such as New Year; its just that their tactics are a bit less subtle. Sure enough, the road ahead is lit up like a Christmas tree, and we pull up to a roadblock where they breath test every driver.

Brother winds the window down and blows in the bag... All clear, as we know it would be, so off we go. Heated discussion in the front resumes where it left off, a few junctions here and there, and.... we are back at the same roadblock... (I'm chortling away in the back by this stage, although the mood in the front is decidedly more frosty)... Window down, blow in the bag, off we go again...
Even more heated discussion in the front seats, so this time the other one takes charge, and we take the alternative direction at each junction. I suggest we ask for directions but am assured that that is completely unnecessary. Anyway, after a few unfamiliar roads, it all looks a bit a deja vu again, and we are back at the roadblock for the third time!

By this stage, to say the atmosphere is frosty in the front seats, well you could freeze helium between them. In the back on the other hand, I'm rolling around splitting my sides laughing enjoying the whole performance (which only makes things worse, as they both assure me the Aussie Police don't have a sense of humour). After brother has blown in the bag for the third time, the policeman decides we look familiar, so enquires what on earth is going on. Fortunately commonsense prevails, my brother asks for directions and we finally make it to our destination whilst there is still some of New Year's Eve left.

 

Edited By Robin Colbourne on 26/11/2017 20:51:51

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Mark Kettle 1

Mark Kettle 1

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Posted

Their was a Daddy balloon, Mummy balloon and a Baby balloon all in bed and Daddy balloon was reading a story to Baby balloon. When he was done Baby balloon played and bounced around on the bed. " Settle down" Daddy balloon said "Ok Baby balloon it's time for bed". Go too your room and stay in there until the morning !!  We will see you in the morning Baby balloon. Remember Baby balloon "to stay in your room until morning"  

Baby balloon did what he was told and settled down in his own bedroom and was soon asleep.

All were fast asleep that night. However in the middle of the night  Baby balloon woke up and he was freezing cold. He jumped up and bounced out of bed and thought 'I slept with Mummy and Daddy balloon in their warm and cozy bed'.

So Baby balloon bounced into their room and going to Daddies side of the bed he to tried to squeeze in on Daddies side of the bed and he couldn't, he was to big, he couldn't get unto or into the bed. So he bounced around to Mummies side and tried on her side. Baby balloon was nearly on, but 'no luck' he slipped off the edge of the bed and bounced unto the floor, what was he to do?

He had a idea, he would let a little air out of Daddy balloon so he could fit on the bed! So he un-tired Daddy balloons knot and let a little air out, after checking he needed to let a little more air out and after a 'hiss'  it seemed right, doing up the knot he tried to get in the bed, but it wasn't enough !

So he let a little bit of air out of Mummies balloon, only a little and after checking there would be enough space for him, he did the knot up tight. It worked and Baby balloon squeezed in between the both of them, into their lovely warm bed, and soon Baby balloon was fast asleep.

--------------

Well In the morning, Daddy woke up first and he 'mushy- ly' bounced out of bed, "Baby balloon wake up and need a word with you" 

I told last night to go too your room and stay in there until the morning. You didn't do that did you ? "No" said Baby balloon, you must do what I say Baby balloon other wise it is not good. Mummy balloon isn't happy with you.

"Not only have you let me down but you've let your mum down" - "but more importantly you've let yourself down".

 

Edited By Mark Kettle 1 on 27/11/2017 00:44:31

Edited By Mark Kettle 1 on 27/11/2017 00:45:29

Edited By Mark Kettle 1 on 27/11/2017 00:48:25

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