Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

They're on backorder Ron, we'll have to borrow one of France

John

[ron evans]

Your right John,and I didn't factor in delivery charges either, best forget the idea.

Ron.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Well we could "annoy them into submission" if nothing else!

BEB

[Nigel Day]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

[Peter Miller]

Mike was areal mug. Priests can't get married!!!

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Not strictly true - Anglican priests who are not a member of a religious order can, and frequently do, marry.

BEB

[Devcon1]

My uncle just got sacked from his job working on the motorways, he was dismissed for theft of company property over a number of years. My aunt was distraught and said she had no idea what had been happening.

I went round to see her to find out what was going on, we took one look in his garage and sure enough all the signs were there.....

[Eamonn Fahey]

Our pet mouse Elvis has died - he was caught in a trap

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

LOL! I like that!

BEB

[cymaz]

If at first you don't succeed .......get a budgie to show you

[WolstonFlyer]

That took me a moment to work out cymaz.. I got there eventually, well it is late and I have worked a 14 hour day

[Devcon1]

Went for an eye test in Specsavers today you'll never guess who I bumped into... everybody.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Regarding what BEB said Peter, ordained and married Anglican clergy who convert to Roman Catholicism stay ordained (and married). It may be rare but it has happened.

[cymaz]

 

Ok,ok, I know this is old ...but it's one of my favourite Round The Horne episodes

Cinderella 

Also

H for Hancock

Edited By cymaz on 17/07/2015 06:43:26

Edited By cymaz on 17/07/2015 06:53:25

[Peter Miller]

Posted by Daithi O Buitigh on 16/07/2015 23:20:17:

Regarding what BEB said Peter, ordained and married Anglican clergy who convert to Roman Catholicism stay ordained (and married). It may be rare but it has happened.

Which would account for him saying mass.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Yes - presumably he was high church

BEB

[Eamonn Fahey]

Bloke walks into a mill in Accrington.

"Does Fred still work here?"

"Yep, but you just missed him, he's gone to fetch some cotton"

"No worries I'll come back tomorrow"

Next day the bloke wanders into the mill again

"Is Fred around ?"

"You've just missed him again, he's gone to fetch more cotton"

"Oh OK, I'll try again next week"

Next week he's in there again

"Fred ?"

"Sorry pal, he died last Wednesday, they buried him in the cemetery at the top of the road"

"Oh no, I'll go and pay my respects"

Up at the cemetry he found Fred's headstone which read

Fred's Gone...........................................but not for cotton.

[Peter Miller]

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Chuckle

John

[Essjay]

I got a call earlier to say my wife's in casualty, well I rushed home and watched the whole episode, and I couldn't see her...................It's late now, and I'm getting quite hungry!

[Eamonn Fahey]

Was sent this this morning - had to share

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7) Things you buy now won't wear out.

8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14) You sing along with elevator music.

15) Your eyes won't get much worse.

16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20) You can't remember where you saw this list.

[The Wright Stuff]

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg!

[The Wright Stuff]

And the Lord said unto me, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

But I came fifth, and won a toaster!

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

Please balance your E-motors ....

 

**LINK**

Edited By Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 08/08/2015 19:32:04

[Dave Hopkin]

While on Holiday in Florida, we went into a Wal-Mart - after wandering round a bit, we asked an assistant if they sold Kinder Eggs for the kids, the reply... "No sir, we don't sell those in America, they are a health hazard"

OK, I said, I'll take two of those assult rifles instead...........