Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator]

Ah - we've missed you Nigel! Back on form!

BEB

[Mowerman]

All good Nigel, the last one had me in stitches.

[Nigel Day]

Thanks BEB, Mowerman. I'm not doing any flying or building but I'm trying to remember to pass on any good (and clean/kosher) funnies I receive.

[David Begg 1]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up an 8-foot fence. The next morning, however, the kangaroo was out again, idly roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to ten feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming about the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was 20 feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Who knows? Maybe 50 feet. Unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."

[David Begg 1]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what do you feel like for dinner my love ......... chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, ' chicken please'.

She replied, 'You're having soup you, I was talking to the cat!

[Devcon1]

I got stung by a Bee at the weekend, seven pounds for a jar of honey..

[Dave Hopkin]

Went into a shoe shop the other day and said "I want a new pair of shoes for the wife"

The manager said "That sounds like a fair swap"

[The Wright Stuff]

I spent all of the last week looking for Pokemon. Just didn't seem to have any success. There were none anywhere near my property, so I tried the adjacent estates, then thoroughly searched the town centre, riverside parks, and surrounding countryside. After five days I was exhausted - I just couldn't understand what the attraction was, but everyone else seemed to be into it, so thought I'd give it a go.

Then this morning, someone informed me that you can only see them on a phone!

[cymaz]

After Team Sky doing well at the Tour de France, this should bring them back to earth

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8ScTGnhgdCw

[Nigel Day]

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Paramedics said he could have done with another coat..

[Nigel Day]

I've just been pulled over by the police. They accused me of jumping the traffic lights.

I said you must be joking, they're about 12 foot tall.

[Nigel Day]

I have to admire my other half's stamina in the bedroom.

He's sweating, panting and gasping for breath, but he doesn't want to stop...

16 hours now he's been putting that Ikea wardrobe together.

[Nigel Day]

"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading stuff on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't mess around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

[Dave Hopkin]

*** This may be a bit close to the mark..... mods delete it if needed ***

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

[Dave Hopkin]

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no money in there.

[Dave Hopkin]

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.

Push and pull.

[Peter Miller]

Posted by Nigel Day on 01/08/2016 17:50:08:

"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading stuff on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't mess around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

[Dai Fledermaus]

Two old men were drinking in the Pub. One says, "Did you know Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Just my luck said his mate, "I've just joined the Rotary".

[Phil 9]

[kevin b]

Nice one Phil.

Is it St Peters meeting committee for dead terrorists ?

[Plummet]

re. the pickie

This picture is brought to you by the Whisky Marketing Board.

Plummet

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Ah come on lads, after a few glasses they won't look so bad

John

[Kevin 216]

Enough to drive you to drink.

[ken anderson.]

Irish hunting trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power,
The little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

ken Anderson...ne....1..... its the way you tell em dept.

 

[David Begg 1]

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.
One day Frank said, “Leo, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favour when you get to Heaven. Somehow you must let me know if there's softball there.”
Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, “Frank, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Leo passed on.
A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Frank! Frank!”
“Who is it?” asked Frank sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Leo. It's me, Leo.”
“You're not Leo! Leo just died.”
“I'm telling you, it's me, Leo”, insisted the voice.
“Leo! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Leo. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Frank.
“The good news,’ Leo said, “is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That's fantastic,” said Frank. “It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?”
“You're pitching Tuesday.”