Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[cymaz]

 

[Gary Manuel]

Remind me which month Christmas is in.....

 

[kevin b]

Do I post this wanted add here, or in classifieds ?

[cymaz]

The optimist thinks the glass is half full

 

The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty 

 

The engineer thinks the glass is twice the size it should be!

[cymaz]

It’s just been reported that a lorry load of snooker equipment has crashed on the M5.....the police  expect cues in both directions 

[cymaz]

 

The Americans call it an egg plant......we call it a chicken

[cymaz]

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked
him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

[ken anderson.]

just read that people who drink every day are alcoholics ......... glad i just drink in the evening.

 

ken anderson.....ne..1.....happy new year dept.

[cymaz]

[kevin b]

Ok. Off we go !

 

Charlie Watts goes to heaven and there is a huge crowd waiting for him at the pearly gates.

"I didn't think the Stones would be that popular in heaven" says Charlie.

"They're not" says St Peter "but we don't get many drummers up here".

 

(you don't have to be a guitarist to appreciate this one - but it helps)

Edited August 24, 2021 by kevin b
additional

[cymaz]

Jokes I’ve been told by musicians 

1.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

 

With a drum machine you only punch the information in once

 

2.

How do you know the drummers stage plinth is level?........he dribbles from both sides of his mouth.

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by cymaz

[ken anderson.]

 

ken anderson...ne..1..outdoors dept.

[Gary Manuel]

[Shaun Walsh]

1 hour ago, Gary Manuel said:

A quick "thumbs up" for that post!???

[cymaz]

[Gary Manuel]

[cymaz]

 

 

 

BOB HOPE

 

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN  OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

ON  GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON  PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY  POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX  BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY  FAILURES
'I would not have had  anything to eat if it wasn't for the
Stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO  HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
 

Edited September 11, 2021 by cymaz

[kevin b]

[cymaz]

The wit of Gandhi..._

"He who stops to ponder and think will generally come out ahead."
When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a
Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him
intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he
expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch in the dining room of the
University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the
professor. The professor said, "Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A
pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly
replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and
sat at another table. Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take
revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to
all questions.
Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question.
"Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package,
and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money,
which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of
course."
Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have
taken the wisdom, don't you think?
Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he
doesn't have."
Mr. Peters, by this time, was beside himself and so great was his
anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave
it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk
trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor, and said to
him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you
signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
Wit always wins over anger.
 

[kevin b]

[Christopher Wolfe]

[ken anderson.]

 

the good old days

 

 

ken anderson...ne..1..cowboys and indians dept.

[cymaz]

? ?

[Eric Robson]

11 hours ago, ken anderson. said:

 

the good old days

 

 

ken anderson...ne..1..cowboys and indians dept.

Is that why they say it's a stick up.

[Gary Manuel]