Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[cymaz]

My mate’s been at it again

 

 

[cymaz]

Doing an “all nighter “ at nearly 60 means NOT getting up at 3am for the toilet...?

[Robert Cracknell]

Old age is taking all night to do what you used to do all night...!

[Robert Cracknell]

Woman has 8 children...Doctor said "What do you attribute you large family to..?" She said "It is all the fault of my hearing doctor". "How so..?" the doctor asks. "Well" she said..."Each night my husband asks "Do you want to go to sleep or what?" and because I cant hear I say "What"..........

[cymaz]

For him and her....

 

 

[Peter Miller]

Sign seen i my garage office.

 

SO TRUE

 

[john davidson 1]

It was mentioned to me  today that Beyonces father was actually Roy Castle, however  she never acknowledged  this as she didn't want to be called Beyonce Castle

[cymaz]

[extra slim]

Had a Carpenter come round last week to make me a double bed, he wanted money up front for the wood and now he’s gone and done a bunk!!

[extra slim]

Same fella was telling me he can throw a ball 1/2 mile for his dog and it’ll bring it back… I thought that’s a bit far fetched!

[Shaun Walsh]

Just heard that a British vacuum cleaner manufacturer has bought the Co-op funeral directors. Some people think that's ok, I think they're Dyson with death!

[john davidson 1]

A jockey was requested at short notice to ride a horse and as he had not  ridden it before he asked the trainer what sort of tactics to employ. The trainer replied that she was a very good finisher, to keep in touch with the leaders and at 3 furlongs to go to give a tickle with the whip and stretch her out. Down to the start, good start, tucked in behind the leaders and as instructed at 3 furlong mark a light encouragement and they were  in the lead, but all of a sudden a pork pie came flying over the barrier, caught him on the cheek  then  an empty champagne bottle hit his shoulder and nearly Knocked him out of the saddle, just as he had got his balance again a vol au vent hit his goggles , blinding him. When he managed to clear his vision the others were already over the line. As he reached the unsaddling enclosure the owner came storming up wanting to Know what went wrong when he was in the lead. Sorry boss he replied, I got hampered!                                                                     

 

 The man who invented the cats eye was a very clever man, got the idea from cat's eyes reflected in a torch beam. Of course if the cat had been walking away he might have invented the pencil sharpener!      

[ken anderson.]

ne.......1 divorce dept

[cymaz]

Just had an argument with her Ladyship. Ha, I got the last word!

 

•  

 

 

• “Yes Dear” ?

[Christopher Wolfe]

[Peter Christy]

[cymaz]

The wife’s dog died, so I got her another one.......she’s livid!

” What am I going to do with two dead dogs” She cried

[Richard Acland]

I'm not saying my wife is overweight, but this week she got on a "I speak your weight "machine and it said one at a time please!!

Edited November 29, 2021 by Richard Acland

[Richard Acland]

A little girl is sitting on grandads knee, can you make a noise like a frog grandad she asks. Yes of course I can grandad replies, but why would I do that. Well the little girl replies, Mummy said that when you croak we are all going to Disneyland!!

[cymaz]

 

[Christopher Wolfe]

When your as poor as hell, but still need motor mounts.

 

 

[J D 8]

? A good adjustable spanner is not cheap but then when a "Spanner" is fixing things who knows what happens.?

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

[cymaz]

[Geoff Peacock]

It’s December, winter’s here, but…
I refuse to put snow tyres on my car, because:

 

It’s my car, my choice, my freedom.
The effectiveness of snow tyres is not proven, except by studies carried out by tyre manufacturers and the government. 
My neighbour had an accident after putting on snow tyres: this proves how dangerous they are.
Some are already on their third set of snow tyres: this proves their ineffectiveness.
We do not know what snow tyres are made of.
Winter is a worldwide hoax created by the tyre companies to scare us and thus enrich themselves.
In fact, the tyre companies invented snow: they spread it at night while you sleep.
If you have snow tyres, the government can track you in the snow.

 

Educate yourself, open your eyes, stop being sheep!
This winter - snow tyres?!? Just say NO! You know it makes sense.