Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

[kevin b]

On 25/03/2021 at 16:10, Gary Manuel said:

 

Obviously the third man was not a Yorkshireman.

We know better !

[Don Fry]

54 minutes ago, kevin b said:

 

Obviously the third man was not a Yorkshireman.

We know better !

I lost my first. My second marriage was a Lancashire lass. All equally Northern to me.  Combatative, combustible, annoying. Handle with care. Worth the effort. 

[john davidson 1]

A jockey was called in at the last minute to ride a horse, he asked the trainer  what kind of tactics to use. The trainer  said that she was a good finisher, keep in contact all the way then with four furlongs to go give just a little tickle  and she would respond.

     The jockey made a good start and as instructed tucked in behind the leaders. At the four furlong mark he made his break and edged ahead easily. Good he thought , in with a good chance but just then a pork pie flew over the barrier and caught him in the face, followed by an empty champagne bottle  which hit his shoulder and knocked him off balance. just as he regained his composure a vol a vent  hit his goggles and completely blinded him. 

     By the time he had cleared his vision the others were far ahead and he finished sixth. As he was dismounting the owner came storming up "what went wrong, you were leading ! .

    "sorry boss he replied , I got hampered!"

[Geoff Peacock]

[kevin b]

Yorkshire folk aren't particularly worried though as they are well stocked up with toilet rolls.

Apparently this happened at the "other end" of the Leeds and Liverpool Canal and as we all know, after the Pennines it is all down hill.

Even the horse has got out of shot in order not to be recognized.

[cymaz]

[PatMc]

Meanwhile in Falkirk the traffic flowed unhindered without even pausing for lunch ...

 

 

... thanks to one cheeky chappie.

Edited March 27, 2021 by PatMc

[cymaz]

What religion are bears?

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

 

[Bill Wood]

[cymaz]

I’m opening my parcel, and the wife says “what is it”
I bought a first aid kit I said. She asks “why?”
I said “Just thought I’d treat myself!!”

[kevin b]

I recently had an operation to open up the dormant side of my brain as I thought it was a good idea.

Now I'm in two minds.

 

(come back Ken - all is forgiven)

[Romeo Whisky]

[ken anderson.]

 

[Steve Colman]

Excellent Ken, brings back such great childhood memories.

[ken anderson.]

1 hour ago, Steve Colman said:

Excellent Ken, brings back such great childhood memories.

hello Steve,yes agree,them lads would have sorted it...

 

ken anderson...ne..1........ FAB dept.

[cymaz]

Oh, the irony...

[Robert Cracknell]

In Honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods
.......

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

[Robert Cracknell]

...and for you animal lovers out there;

 

HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT 

 

1)     Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2)     Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.

 

3)     Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.

 

4)     Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

 

5)     Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

 

6)     Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7)     Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.

 

?     Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.

 

9)     Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply sticking plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10)   Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

 

11)   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T‑shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12)  Ring fire service to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13)   Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy‑duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14)   Get spouse to drive you to the local casualty department. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.

 

15)   Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[Christopher Wolfe]

How to retrieve a model from a tree.

 

1. Throw a line over a branch (bow and de-pointed arrow works well)

2. Tie a cat to the line and haul cat into tree.

3. Phone the fire brigade to rescue cat from tree.

4. Say to the fire brigade cat rescue team "While you're up there"

[Robert Cracknell]

In light of the recent debate regarding SUV's/4x4 in the towns and cities....

 

SCHOOL RUN RULES

 

 1.      Vehicle use is compulsory when the school is more than 50 yards from your house

 2.     Vehicles must be, as a minimum, a Chelsea Tractor, 9 seat people carrier, 4 x 4 or small HGV as appropriate.

 3.     Vehicles must not, under any circumstances, carry more than 2 persons i.e. driver plus 1 child as a MAXIMUM

4.    In the event that you have more than one child attending the same school then find a friend/relative/partner who must obtain a vehicle of the same type and accompany you on the school run at the same time. 

5.      It is not allowed to give any other child a lift to school. If their parents cannot afford a suitably sized vehicle (see section 2) then their children don’t deserve to be educated. 

6.      On arrival, the yellow zig zag lines will be kept clear for your exclusive parking. In the event that the lines are occupied please feel free to park on blind bends, double park, park in front of peoples drives or park completely on the pavement. If possible demand to park on school property. It is your God given right as a 4x4 owner after all! 

7.      Take as long as possible to deposit your child at the school directly at the school gates. In the event that no parking is available immediately outside the gate you may park on the yellow zig zag  lines (see section 6) for as long as necessary until a space becomes available. 

8.      At no time should your child be required to walk any distance to the school gates. High levels of strenuous exercise such as this can be harmful to your child’s obesity level. 

9.      Once the child is in school do not be in a hurry to depart. Leave your vehicle parked wherever it is and look around to find drivers of similar vehicles. 

10.  Having found other drivers please engage them in totally meaningless conversation for at least one hour. This will ensure that other road users will be inconvenienced as much as possible. Gathering in a large group on the pavement is also a good way of antagonising pedestrians as well. 

11.  When collecting your child at the end of school ensure that you arrive at least one hour early and please follow the parking instructions as above. 

12.  To occupy waiting time, follow the instruction is section 10) until your child comes out of school. 

13.  All drivers are to attempt to pull up outside the school gates at the same time. This is to ensure that no child has to wait for long before being collected. 

14.  On the way home please call in at your local supermarket for some shopping. Don’t forget to park in the ‘Mother and Baby’ area even though your offspring is 16. Allow your child to run riot when inside if possible and encourage him/her to scream as loudly as possible whilst running about. After all, checkout operators do need some form of distraction in their mundane job.  

15.  On arriving home make sure your child rests properly, after all he has to do it all again tomorrow!

[J D 8]

Where I live and work all the roads are single track with passing places, although along most there is enough room for two to squeeze past each other.

 Now that the fat 4x4 SUV appears to have taken over from the family car it drives me nuts when they will not even put a wheel on the grass verge so one can get by. [ most can not reverse ten yards in a straight line either ] I had one just stop in front of me and then stare at his roof lining, Took me a while to realise he was just ignoring me, had to squeeze the car past with the NS wheel spinning in the muddy verge. 

 More fun when in my old Land Rover, the looks on their faces as I keep coming and fit through a space only a couple of inches wider.

  Not exactly funny but rant over.

[Chris Walby]

With you there JD8, just need to remember I have the mirror extensions on my 110 ?

 

Best one yet was single track me in the 110 and the SUV on the kids run...expecting me to reverse....took them a while to realize that I had the refuse lorry behind me....like he was ever going to reverse...?

[ken anderson.]

joined the queue at the barbers this morning...the owner came out and gave us all a burger......

 

Best......  Barber Queue.......i've been in ,in a long time.... 

 

ken anderson...ne...1....BBQ dept.

[Don Fry]

JD8, Chris, don’t need size. I’ve got a VW Touran. I get a wide berth when I dominate the road, as the instructors used to shout.

Never repair a dent. Don’t wash it for a decade. Concentrates minds.