Richard Acland Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 My wife has decided to go on a diet, she got on a "I speak your weight" weighing machine the other day and it said "One at a time please" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robert Cracknell Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... ****************************************** My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Robson Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 I had to take a taxi from Durham and the driver spoke like Les Dawson. He was a fanatical Sunderland supporter, Anti Newcastle United . His wife said to him I think you love Sunderland more than me. He said June I love Newcastle more than you . No meals for a week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ken anderson. Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 due to current interest....I've set away a Fan club....if anyone is interested...send £1000.... to ne..1... land, Young Ashers and I will do the rest...send you a bit paper with a membership number etc.... ken anderson...ne...1.....fan club/not dept Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Posted by ken anderson. on 23/01/2021 10:24:56: due to current interest....I've set away a Fan club....if anyone is interested...send £1000.... to ne..1... land, Young Ashers and I will do the rest...send you a bit paper with a membership number etc.... ken anderson...ne...1.....fan club/not dept I’d love to Ken but I’ve sent a load of money to my cousin in Ghana. Apparently his 3 wives are sick and need help with buying some real estate to help them recover Edited By cymaz on 23/01/2021 13:04:12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin b Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Posted by cymaz on 23/01/2021 13:03:43: Posted by ken anderson. on 23/01/2021 10:24:56: due to current interest....I've set away a Fan club....if anyone is interested...send £1000.... to ne..1... land, Young Ashers and I will do the rest...send you a bit paper with a membership number etc.... ken anderson...ne...1.....fan club/not dept I’d love to Ken but I’ve sent a load of money to my cousin in Ghana. Apparently his 3 wives are sick and need help with buying some real estate to help them recover Edited By cymaz on 23/01/2021 13:04:12 That's a coincidence. The same has happened to me. Maybe we're related ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Berriman Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Hi Ken My Cheque Book is empty and bank not issuing new one sorry Ken Anderson...ne...1 ... follower Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ken anderson. Posted January 23, 2021 Author Share Posted January 23, 2021 no worries Keith....we'll hold the membership open for you, soon as your financial cramp has passed and you have the dosh get back in touch.. ken anderson...ne...1....fan club dept. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robert Cracknell Posted January 24, 2021 Share Posted January 24, 2021 A friend asked to borrow £10000 for cosmetic plastic surgery on his face. He hasn't paid me back and whats more I've no idea what he looks like now.....!!! A local in a Glaswegian bar suddenly shouted...."all drinks on me". Headlines in the local paper next day..." English ventriliquist murdered in Glasgow bar" Old lady to Chemist..."Do you have cortton wool balls..." Chemists reply..."Do I look like a teddy bear..?" Edited By Robert Cracknell on 24/01/2021 02:40:28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavin Mack Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Miller Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 I have just sent this to all our (14 )members to print out and hang on their mantle pieces or workshop wall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daithi O Buitigh Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Does anyone know, under the current restrictions, how many snowmen you can have in the garden at the same time and do they have to be inside their igloo during curfew? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin b Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 I can't have any. No snow. Before anybody offers to donate, no thank you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Kulagin Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 An 80 year old woman gets arrested for shoplifting. In court the judge asks her what she stole. She replies, a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can? asks the judge. Six your honour, replies the woman. I think I'll sentence you to six day in jail, says the judge. Before he can pass sentence her husband pipes up, She also stole a can of peas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." ... With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's having his way with me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daithi O Buitigh Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 A recent survey has shown that women who put on weight usually live longer than the man who mentions it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daithi O Buitigh Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Cunnington Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Northern Territories (Australia) : Woman Slows Crocodile Attack using just a small 22 calibre Ruger Pistol ..... another good reason to have a small weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol, against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words ..... "While walking along the edge of a creek just outside my house in NT discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 4 metre croc which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.” "If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!" "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee was all it took. The 'croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin Carpenter Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 🐊🐊🐊🐊Hilarious! 😂😂😂😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin b Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Sorry. I've been reading Ken's joke book. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin b Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Ooh look, another one ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Manuel Posted February 12, 2021 Share Posted February 12, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Manuel Posted February 12, 2021 Share Posted February 12, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 5 hours ago, Gary Manuel said: 88888888.....that would work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted February 13, 2021 Share Posted February 13, 2021 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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