Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Bob Cotsford]

Hadn't this been closed down last night? What, is it April 1st already David?

Edit - ok, just seen the 'other' thread.  Thanks mods, your re-opening of this is very much appreciated though maybe David could have edited his post rather than removing it, I'm confused enough by daily life without this adding to it

Edited By Bob Cotsford on 08/01/2021 14:12:57

[Ace]

[Michael Hickman]

Posted by Bob Cotsford on 08/01/2021 14:02:37:

Hadn't this been closed down last night? What, is it April 1st already David?

Edit - ok, just seen the 'other' thread. Thanks mods, your re-opening of this is very much appreciated though maybe David could have edited his post rather than removing it, I'm confused enough by daily life without this adding to it

Edited By Bob Cotsford on 08/01/2021 14:12:57

I am even more confused than Bob, as I don't know what was said in "other" thread.

Happy landings

Mike

Edited By Michael Hickman on 08/01/2021 14:51:50

[kevin b]

Thank you mods for not letting the bullies make you close down the playground.

Here are some from a friend in S.A.

New password. "Type new password" chicken

"Password must contain a capital"

chickenkiev

Just cleaned the TV screen with anti-virus wipes. Lost all the news programs !

Please take your clothes out of the wardrobe and air them in sunlight regularly. Recent tests have proved that clothes shrink during lockdown.

"Propaganda". It's what cockneys do when they look at something closely.

[Phil McCavity]

Posted by kevin b on 08/01/2021 14:59:31:

Thank you mods for not letting the bullies make you close down the playground.

Another confused soul here, what Bullies? I thought this thread was closed because it had run its course and took too much time to moderate? Has that changed? I usually avoid it to be frank the thick paddy jokes put me off.

Edited By Phil McCavity on 08/01/2021 15:23:47

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Kevin - those jokes seem to have come from some Ukrainian secret agents - Minsk Spies

[ken anderson.]

due to the bad weather at the moment...may be wise to re-issue the old perennial warning...…."Don't Eat the Yellow Snow"...… a sound bit of practical advice, even if I say so myself....

ken anderson...ne...1....health dept.

[cymaz]

Ok, I’ve read these over. There’s no swearing , blasphemy, double- entendres or nudity

Edited By cymaz on 08/01/2021 17:15:34

[john davidson 1]

Ok one which you can tell your grandchildren ,(only works verbally.)

Which is the odd one out between a lobster, a crab, a jellyfish, and a Mongolian who has been run over by a roadroller?

the jellyfish

the others are all crushed asians, (crustaceans) had to look up the spelling for that one!

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Number 17 is me.

[J D 8]

17 also me.

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

No. 13 took my breath away...

[Peter Miller]

Definately number 3

[DaveyP]

3 is definitely true and 6 could be 20yrs

[kevin b]

All of them !!!

[J D 8]

Got up this morning and looked out of the window and saw on the garden wall a mince pie, an apple pie and a black forest gateau.

The street was desserted.

From Tony Blackburn's Sound of the 60's

[David Davis]

I'm no.16!

[Eric Robson]

No. 1 for me when the second door opens I think " What did I come up here for".

Edited By Eric Robson on 09/01/2021 10:26:57

[ken anderson.]

first trip booked for 2021...off to Iceland in February...

all been well off to Asda in march and Tesco in April....

ken anderson...ne...1 travel dept......from weasel/Ronnie.

[Robert Cracknell]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”

Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”

Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”

Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”

Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”

Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”

Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”

Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Prcbl em: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”

Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”

Solution: “Live bugs on order.

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”

Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”

Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.”

Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”

Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

[Robert Cracknell]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”

Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”

Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”

Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”

Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”

Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”

Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”

Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Prcbl em: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”

Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”

Solution: “Live bugs on order.

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”

Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”

Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.”

Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”

Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

[Robert Cracknell]

Sorry about the double post - arthritic fingers!!

[Robert Cracknell]

Sorry about the double post - arthritic fingers!!

[Peter Miller]

And one from 220 Squadron. Shackletons

Problem" "Mouse in aircraft!"

Solution: "Trap set. Aircraft serviceable to fly"

[alan p]

Definition of age:-

Number of times you have to go up the stairs to remenber what you originally went up for