Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[cymaz]

** Beware **
I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ...
...
...
... A Peeking Duck!

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by cymaz on 10/01/2021 11:33:39:

** Beware **
I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ...
...
...
... A Peeking Duck!

That was a fowl joke!

[Daithi O Buitigh]

He's just quackers Shaun

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by Daithi O Buitigh on 10/01/2021 12:08:47:

He's just quackers Shaun

Ah, that must be Pwawn Quackers.

[cymaz]

Soak it in Irn Bru ..........duck a l’orange

[Daithi O Buitigh]

[cymaz]

I’ve been watching on YouTube “Whose line is it anyway?” Great if you just want a belly laugh for 1/2 hr or so. Most of them are old US programs. Channel 4 had a UK series in the late 80’s....very funny to.

[Gary Manuel]

Some people are just so damned disrespectful! My neighbour for one, banging on my front door at 4 o' clock this morning. Luckily I was still up playing music.

He shouted, "can we have a little respect please?" So I shouted back "I'm not a big Erasure fan, but okay this one's for you".

 

Edited By Gary Manuel on 11/01/2021 11:29:54

[Michael Kulagin]

Sorry for the length of this but just have to share.

A chorister goes to see his priest to take confession.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned" says the young lad.

"And what is your sin my son?" says the priest.

"I have committed a carnal sin with a girl of this parish" the boy replies.

"What is the name of this girl? says the priest.

"I cannot give her name as I don't want her to suffer the stigma of my behaviour" says the boy.

"If you do not give her name how can I help her get forgiveness for her sins?" replied the priest.

"Sorry Father I cannot give her name" says the boy.

"Was it one of the Green girls, Mary or Susan?" enquires the Priest.

"I cannot give her name, Father" replied the boy.

"Or was Julie O'Donnell?" enquires the Priest.

"I still cannot give her name" the boy replied.

"Or was it Anne McBurnie? the Priest enquired.

"I cannot name her" the boy replied.

"Or was it Linda Driscoll? asked the Priest once more.

"Father I cannot allow myself to name the girl" stated the boy.

"Well, in that case" says the Priest "You must say 2 hail Mary's and you are excluded from the choir for 2 months"

The boy leaves the confessional and is met by his young friend who enquires as to what was his 'sentence'.

The boy replies "I got 2 months holiday from the choir and the names of 5 'hot' girls!"

[J D 8]

IT was only long because of the gaps between the lines. Boom Boom.

[kevin b]

I like to make lists.

I also like to leave them on the table and then guess what is on them when I am at the shop.

[cymaz]

I took 4 Es last night..........that's a hard hand at Scrabble

[kevin b]

I tried one of those online dating agencies for older people last week. She was like a breathe of fresh air.

Got right up my nose.

[Gary Manuel]

[Gary Manuel]

[J D 8]

Once as a Welshman lost in London only two people stopped/spoke to help me.

One was an equally lost Scotsman and we agreed to cooperate with direction finding as Jock and Taff and a very helpful, polite Japanese Gent.

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Most Englishmen tend to avoid going to London. It's far too full of visitors!

[Piers Bowlan]

Posted by Martin Harris - Moderator on 14/01/2021 17:26:49:

Most Englishmen tend to avoid going to London. It's far too full of visitors!

😂

[Robert Cracknell]

A party of American farmers were visiting the UK. One said...."You know, I can get in my truck at sunrise and drive until sunset and I am still on my land"

A UK famer rteplied...."yeah, I've got a truck like that"

[Colin Bernard]

[cymaz]

My mate has been at it again....

[Toni Reynaud]

A highly dangerous virus is currently going around. It's called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK). If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE) or "Radioactive Unwork Medicine" (RUM) or "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER) or "Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen" (VODKA).

[ken anderson.]

I never thought I would be the kind of person to get up in the morning and exercise....and I was right.

ken anderson...ne...1 exercise dept.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

A friend of mine was trying to raise money for his wedding and then he got an offer of sponsorship from a paint manufacturer

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by Daithi O Buitigh on 19/01/2021 06:13:41:

A friend of mine was trying to raise money for his wedding and then he got an offer of sponsorship from a paint manufacturer

Was it an emulsional day for the bride? Looks chilly, they could do with a second coat.