Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[cymaz]

                                        P A R A P R O S D O K I A N S 

The first time I heard about Paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.    

 

                                            Sir Winston Churchill loved them!

 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my List.

 

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in Public.

 

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

 

7. Knowledge, is knowing a Tomato is a Fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad.

 

8. To steal ideas from one person is Plagiarism. To steal from many is Research.

 

9. I didn't say it was your Fault, I said I was blaming You.

 

10. In filling out an Application, where it says, "In case of an Emergency, notify" .......

      I answered " A Doctor" 

 

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a Bald Head and 

      a Beer Gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

12. You do not need a Parachute to Skydive. You only need a Parachute to Skydive twice.

 

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

14. To be sure of hitting the Target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the Target.

 

15. Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a Garage makes 

      you a Car.

 

16. You're never too old to learn something Stupid.

 

17. I'm supposed to respect my Elders, but it's getting harder and harder for Me to find someone 

      older than Me.

[cymaz]

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.

 

The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

 

“Try doing it with the engine running."

Edited March 6, 2021 by cymaz

[Daithi O Buitigh]

On 21/02/2021 at 22:33, Zflyer said:

Cooking omelettes isnt all its cracked up to be..

 

Taxi !

Now that's a really bad yolk

[Gary Manuel]

Not a funny. More of a smily!

Worth a look anyway.

 

 

[ken anderson.]

lad attending a first aid course...................the instructor asks him"what would you do if your son swallowed the front door key"?

 

he replies..."i would climb in through the kitchen window".. ?  

 

ken anderson...ne..1.... first aid dept.

[cymaz]

[cymaz]

 

[cymaz]

 

[Gary Manuel]

15 hours ago, cymaz said:

 

 

Not the ending I was expecting.

[Eric Robson]

I once gave a pretty girl a lift in my car, she said she was a witch. i asked her to prove it so she gave me a kiss and I turned into a layby.

[cymaz]

I found these on YouTube. There’s more and I think very funny. I recommend wearing some headphones as the sound is very entertaining 

 

 

[cymaz]

?

 

 

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. 
 

The nurse says to the rabbit, “What blood group are you?”  

The rabbit replies, “I’m probably a type 0.”

[Geoff S]

6 hours ago, Martin Harris - Moderator said:

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. 
 

The nurse says to the rabbit, “What blood group are you?”  

The rabbit replies, “I’m probably a type 0.”

 

Took me a few seconds but I got there in the end ?

[ken anderson.]

man catches his wife having an affair, says he is going to kill them both.he puts the gun to his head and tells her...i dont know why you are laughing...your next. 

 

ken anderson...ne...1..next dept.

[J D 8]

15 minutes ago, Geoff S said:

 

Took me a few seconds but I got there in the end ?

   Took until second viewing until? I got it

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Yes - when I first saw it I assumed there was something missing but it dawned when I re-read it - thought it was quite clever...

[Zflyer]

A Priest,  Vicar and a Rabbi walk into a bar.....

....

so much for blind faith.

[Chris Walby]

Interesting take on the original ?

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Smells Like Nirvana - YouTube

 

[Dad_flyer]

And my favourite Weird Al 

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Dad_flyer

[cymaz]

 Very clever...

 

 

[Gary Manuel]

That's Weird.

[cymaz]

“Sir, are you stuck?”

”No Officer, I’m delivering a bridge”

 

 

[Gary Manuel]

[Gary Manuel]