Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[BackinBlack]

I suppose Forest are hoping to play there one day.

[Phil Brooks]

Also said on BBC news that they play four-tree-tree formation

[kevin lane]

It's just a ploy to stop model flyers!

[Barryorbik]

Could be so they can play a game of tree halves !

Barry

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Take a bough and then leaf it off

[OZ e flyer]

Maybe they're opening a new branch which, is all well and good as long as they remember their roots. Or perhaps they want to make trunk calls. I think they're barking up the wrong tree tho.

Sorry, couldn't resist. Lol.

[Vince Keld 1]

Was going to post another joke on here but couldn't think of one clean enough.

[Vince Keld 1]

Here we go . My wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tears [tiers] I'll go and hide now

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Fir crying out loud - wooden you know that some sap in an office thought that he should fill the empty space that he could cedar and was pining to spruce it up.

[Martian]

One thing for sure there are some football teams that would still lose playing against those trees ,, no teams will be mentioned

[Barryorbik]

Maybe they'll play tree as side on there !

[Mike Etheridge 1]

This almost counts as a joke:

http://surprise.ly/v/?PK0Hl0kWELE:0:0:0:100

[Peter Miller]

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

[Peter Miller]

Posted by Mike Etheridge 1 on 09/03/2017 10:20:35:

This almost counts as a joke:

http://surprise.ly/v/?PK0Hl0kWELE:0:0:0:100

Mind you, the real joke would have been if he had been 10 yards to the right11

[Peter Miller]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times:...

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught Archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be British, doesn’t it!!

[Gary Manuel]

Posted by Mike Etheridge 1 on 09/03/2017 10:20:35:

This almost counts as a joke:

http://surprise.ly/v/?PK0Hl0kWELE:0:0:0:100

I assume he landed on his back to avoid damaging his gigantic testicles. Very brave man indeed!

[ken anderson.]

three cheer's for peter miller.....

ken Anderson...ne....1...... LOL dept.

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Posted by Peter Miller on 09/03/2017 10:53:05:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times:...

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught Archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be British, doesn’t it!!

Aye lad, makes you proud to be a Yorkshireman

[ken anderson.]

new merc on its way.... ok for the lads with loads of money ...

ken Anderson...ne...1 motoring watch dept.

[trebor]

For a minuite I thought it was 1st of April.

[Peter Miller]

THat is totally brilliant. One of the best laughs for a long time.

[bouncebounce crunch]

I bet on a champion racehorse today, it took 10 others to beat him.

I asked my racehorse trainer how fast my horse is. he gave me a callender.

my luck is improving, i was only six numbers off winning the lottery.

[cymaz]

Wife...."Do you drink beer?"

Husband...." Yes!"

"So, how many beers a day?"

Husband, " 3 beers a day, $5 a beer"

"And how long have you been doing "

"20 years, ever since you became my wife. You know that !"

Wife," I let you spend $5400 per year on beer"

"Yes, I suppose you do, my love"

"So, not accounting for inflation, in the last 20 years you've drunk away $108,000 of beers, how could you waste that much. That's enough for a small 2 seat  plane"

Husband, " Hang on a minute....you're tea total. AND DONT DRINK BEER,! "

Wife, " Yeah....so damn what!"

Husband, " Where's your damn plane?!"

Edited By cymaz on 12/03/2017 14:18:06

[KiwiKid]

Ben was in the dog box good and proper this time. Forgot the wedding anniversary again. His wife was livid and demanded "There had better be something in the driveway tomorrow morning that does 0 to 200 in less than six seconds or your life won't be worth living!" Ben got up early the next morning and left for work. His wife got up later and looked out at the driveway. There was a smallish package sitting there in the middle of the driveway so she went and retrieved it and brought it into the house. Once all the packaging was removed Ben's wife found a brand new set of bathroom scales. Ben has been missing for some time.

[trebor]

True story ex mother inlaw wanted toiletries or perfume for Christmas, I got her a bottle of " Oil of Ulay " don't know why she went off on one as its good stuff for wrinkles.